A
female
age
30-35,
*andy89
writes:Please people, please help me on this one! I've been very depressed and i don't know who to talk to. I hope that I will get some good advice here. That would be appreciated a lot. Basically, I'm Vietnamese and my boyfriend is English. He came to Viet Nam a few years ago to teach English and Maths. However, he wanted to get back to England to fisnish his Master Degree and he asked me to come with him. We planned the future together, i tried to apply for my visa and suddenly he just changed his mind and wanted a break from me. After 6 weeks being away from each other, he had a serious accident, i guessed he didn't have anyone to take care of him while he was in bed so he called me and asked me to come over to take him to the hospital some time. I agreed because i loved him so much. Since then, he said sorry for being stupid to me and he wanted us to plan our future again. He promised me he would stay in Viet Nam for another 6 months to wait for me to apply for another visa for England. He promised and he broke his promise! 3 months ago, he started complaining how boring it was for him to stay in Viet Nam and teach English. He was sick of it. He booked his flight back to England and to be honest i was pretty shocked and devastated. I could never believe that he could leave me easily like that. He didn't care if he promised me he would stay for me. He made promises again that he would talk to me regularly when he got back to England, that he wanted me in his life and hoped that we would reunite in 4 months in England. However, since he left, i was the one who put a lot of effort in this relationship, he did nothing. I tried to talk to him everyday, send him a lot of pictures and videos. The most annoying thing was whenever we talked on whatsapp, he was always the one who disappeared without a word. He explained that his whatsapp didn't display my messages. So if he didn't log in whatsapp, he wouldnt get my texts. But it was bullshit, he was talking to me, how on earth could he not check the phone? He just left me hanging there and wouldn't reply me at least 4-5 hours later. And one day, i told him about one of my classmates sleeling with another girl while he had a 6 year girlfriend. I asked my boyfriend if he ever thought about cheating on me and he said Yes without hesitating! He told me when we argued in the past, he did think about cheating on me, he said everyone does! I was very surprised and angry! I didn't talk to him for a few days. When i talked to him again, he wouldn't explain or reassure that i was just being silly. 2 weeks ago, i called to surprise him but he wasn't very inetesrted in talking to me on the phone. His excuse was because he was hungover, when he was like this, he didn't want to talk to anyone. I thought that i was different, but i was off beam. I was very pissed at him, i talked to him on skype and told me how i felt, he told me that i was unreasonable, should he send me texts and photos everyday? He wouldn't try to understand how shit he put me up with, he wouldn't try to understand how sad i was, he wouldn't care when i told him how i felt. After that day, we didn't talk and he never tried to call or simply send me a text to say sorry. I felt like i was a fool, i tried my best to keep the relationship going, but he was the one who put the least effort in it. I was the one who was left, i needed his assurances but he couldn't give me one...My feelings for him are very deep. I have been crying, waiting, telling myself that i should forget about him, but i can't do it. What should i do? Please give me some advice to put me at ease. I'm too young to put up with this shit and busshitter!
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (6 October 2011):
Hi there. What you have is a classic long distance relationship.
These are very challenging at the best of times.
And I think it's the greatest part of the problem really, that you aren't seeing each other.
Perhaps he is having second thoughts about the relationship with you after all. It does sound like it.
For one thing, if you were to be together, it would definitely mean that one of you would have to think about moving to be near the other. This is a HUGE change for anyone to make. Especially, as it is 2 different countries.
As you were saying about obtaining a visa to live in England, should you get this visa, you would be leaving your family behind. This is something you would have to seriously think about if you did make that move.
And many times, when people migrate like this to be with the other one, it's not uncommon for the relationship to fail because they miss their family too much.
You might not have thought of that.
No doubt he thinks of this himself.
I wouldn't be contacting him anymore, because as you said it's mostly you who is making all the effort. And he's doing very little or else making some excuses why he didn't answer your messages.
It honestly seems like he's trying to let you down gently by not actually saying straight out he wants to end it, so he's backing out of it slowly - bit by bit.
This is probably worse, because you are still living in hope that things will all work out well. It's actually hurting you more, by him doing this. And you really don't know where you stand with him.
Your best advice realistically, is to cut all contact for now and let him contact you instead. Because he's not really giving you the response that you'd like. He seems to be half-heartedly sending some answer out of obligation, and to keep you quiet and off his back, I guess.
So because of this, go out and make your own life as interesting and fun as it can be and see your friends.
In other words, don't just sit at home by the phone - hoping he'll call you.
And in your mind, give him about 2 weeks to about a month or two, and if he then contacts you, well that's good. However, if it gets to be 2-3 months and nothing from him of any sort, well then I'd call it quits and forget him.
Don't actually call him to end it - No, I mean to just count it as being the end, and move on.
Only time will tell, what the outcome will be.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): I am so sorry to hear about this, you seem very upset, which of course you have the right to be! I'm afraid this guy sounds terrible, I don't think there is anyway to have a relationship with someone like that, he seems like he was just using you.
I think the best thing to do is to stop trying to contact himm ignore him, and block him out of your life.
Keep yourself busy and focus on other things your job, your other interests and try and try not to waste another moment thinking about him. It hurts now but it will get better.You are a strong person and you do not have to put up with that sort of behaviour. One day you will meet someone who will treat you properly. Good luck and all the best.
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