A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A little back story, I recently turned 23, about 5 years ago I started talking with a woman I met long-distance, she had been coming to see me for about a year, and then I went to see her. I stayed at her house one night, and they kicked her out.. she came home with me and has been living with me ever since.Jump to the present, I'm 23, she's 29. I've only been with her, and her with me- a plague or a blessing I'm not sure. I am constantly telling her to clean up her mess of clothes and papers in our room.. she seems to hang onto every piece of mail she gets for years. I have expressed interest in the past, about having same-room sex, or sharing her with another couple/guy... maybe its because I'm young and have only been with her.. or because I'm just a sex addict lol.We recently got into a huge fight, and I told her she was boring in bed, which is the reason I haven't been interested in having sex for the past while. I feel like I've been lying to myself and her about our relationship (partly because when my mother died 2 yrs ago she said we have to take care of each other). Mind you, I have tried to get her to watch porn (I can enjoy ALL porn), and she criticizes everything and everyone in it. I will not go to couples therapy, I don't believe in it. I'm also bi-curious and have previously told her this. I honestly do not know what direction our relationship is going to take now. I do love her, but I need a fun and spontaneous sex life. Bad sex=bad relationship. The internet never fails me, give me some advice!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUnfortunately your answers have proven not so useful! We cuddle, we kiss, we go to the movies very often, watch our shows on dvr Etc.
We are literally the perfect match for each other, even the thought of being separated, makes us both sick, like we wouldn't know what to do.
That being said, we have found our own ways to deal with it.
Thanks-
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 October 2011):
 Read what Honeypie said... it's pefect...
THE OP said: "She has been completely fine with the relationship thus far, except for me not wanting her at all in bed. Not even kissing because that will inevitably lead to more plain sex."
Kissing SHOULD lead to sex..... it does not have to (see below) but it leaves the ideas lingering...
plain sex.... WTH is "plain sex" missionary position, in the dark under the covers witb no foreplay etc?
and then please what would NOT plain sex be? animals? dressing up? beatings? sex in the backyard with the neighbors watching?
I think that maybe your expectations of what is normal sex in a relationship may be a bit off kilter.
I happen to think our sex life is rather plain... we use various positions, we have lots of affection NOT related to sex... (and that's very important) are you and your lady affectionate? do you:
touch each other non-sexually just because (i.e. let's watch a tv show and cuddle on the couch with my feet in your lap or my head on your shoulder)
cuddle in bed even without sex
kiss often... sometimes just a peck but occasionally during any given day I get grabbed and get a whopper of a kiss that leaves me wanting more...
PLAN date nights... we have one planned on Friday and I have been on pins and needles waiting for it... even if it's just dinner out and a new DVD we got.. getting dressed up and prepping for a date (even though we live together now) is still exciting and FUN... and then a whisper in his ear as to what lovely lingiere I'm wearing under my sexy dress.... and poof life is exciting...
Relationships are NOT stagnant they have to be nurtured...
THE OP SAID: "After telling her that she is a boring lay, she responded by saying "you never take initiative". Sorry but if she is satisfied, and im not, she should be the one to take the initiative and try something new, doesn't even have to involve anyone else. Especially since I'm open to just about ANYTHING. Am I right or wrong here?"
You are WRONG.
why: if YOU are not satisfied YOU need to be proactive about what you need.... THE ONLY PERSON responsible for YOUR sexual satisfactiion is YOU. NOT her. I love my boyfriend... he is not the one responsible for my orgasms. I am. Takes a lot of pressure off of him so that HE CAN ENJOY OUR LOVE LIFE.... and lets me ENJOY it as well knowing that he's OK with my "fixing myself" as needed.
Sometimes he even helps participate in my orgasms... many times he does not. And hon, I'm not always there for his either...
If she's satisfied that's GREAT. IF YOU ARE NOT, why are YOU not suggesting things to do??? Why can't and don't YOU take the initiative to spice things up? WHY is this HER responsibility.
Personally it sounds like you are truly unhappy and are settling. do both of you a favor and end the relationship now so that 2, 3 or 5 years from now you don't end it even angrier and more frustrated than you are now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 October 2011):
 I think the only thing you are open to are YOUR fantasies and ideas - think about it.
If it's not working for you, end the relationship. Find someone who is as "adventurous" or "curious" as you.
You know how people say you can "lead a horse to water but you can't make then drink"? Same thing goes for trying new sexual thing, food, experiences. You can not expect her to change because you WANT her to. I would say the same to a girl if she wanted her BF to suddenly change for her.
There are MANY ways to spark up a sex life without adding more people to the "bed-room".
And no, I don't think you are addicted to sex, but I do think you have a really skewed view of what a realtionship is when it comes to sex. Things like group stuff and swinger lifestyle is not something you "just" decide you should do for shits and grins. I would honestly think that if it is a HUGE part of your sexual curiosity you need to either explore it by yourself (as a single) or find someone who wants to same.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has been completely fine with the relationship thus far, except for me not wanting her at all in bed. Not even kissing because that will inevitably lead to more plain sex.
You all seem to be under the assumption that I'm addicted to porno and that I assume what I watch is the status quo. This is not the case. As sad as it may seem, our dull sex life is what led me to watch porn in the first place!
After telling her that she is a boring lay, she responded by saying "you never take initiative". Sorry but if she is satisfied, and im not, she should be the one to take the initiative and try something new, doesn't even have to involve anyone else. Especially since I'm open to just about ANYTHING. Am I right or wrong here?
Thanks
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 October 2011):
OP: "I stayed at her house one night, and they kicked her out... she came home with me and has been living with me ever since."
So you guys ended up together because basically she had nowhere to live... and it was not a choice to live together as much as a need and it seemed to make sense...
OP: " I am constantly telling her to clean up her mess of clothes and papers in our room."
"in our room"... do you share a house/apartment with others? because that can create issues... sounds to me like maybe she moved in with you and your parents....please correct me if I'm wrong.
Your desires to have "same room sex" or "share her with others" is not because you are young or because you are a sex addict.... it has nothing to do with age... and a sex addiction is so all encompassing as to permeate every aspect of your life and that does not sound like what's going on here...
Not sure how you define fun and spontaneous for your sex life.... I mean the truth be told, as you get older and work full time and have responsibilities.... spontaneity goes out the window... you will schedule dates... seriously and having the dance you know with the same partner has a charm all it's own.
My response to my boyfriend when he says something that is clearly based on porn is “you watch too much porn" and thankfully he laughs and says “yes I do".... and it's dropped. Porn is not inherently bad... it's what people choose to do with it that's the issue.
IF you choose to base your judgment on your life as good or bad based on porn.. That’s not a good thing to use porn for. Porn is for sexual release, not a guide to living your life.
You say you love her but I think you are just stuck in a rut with a woman you fell in with due to circumstances and that you stay with her out of a moral obligation and not love....
If you are truly not happy you must be honest with her and tell her and give her time to adjust and find other living arrangements.....
Adding sexual partners or porn to your sex life will not fix the underlying problem.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 October 2011):
I think you are together because you think you should be, or because it is convinient. I don't see any love there. At least not from you to her.
I also think, you come of as rather selfish and passive-agressive. Thinking that the relationship is all about YOU being sexually gratified.. NOT that there is anything wrong in wanting the sex to be fun and stay fun.
Because she doesn't want to do the "Swinger" lifestyle or porn doesn't make her boring, but it makes the two of you imcompatible sexually. Not all women actually WANT swinger lifestyle. Many women find porn uncomfortable and degrading. And most women understand that porn has nothing to do with reality. It's fake.
I think you know what to do. Break up with her, give her a couple of week to find a new place to move out to.
And next time you find a partner look for someone who you have more in common with, sexually and otherwise.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 October 2011):
 Well, if you find your sex life boring and the spark is totally gone , I am afraid your relationship is doomed ,
without mutual chemistry what you can have is basically a friendship, not a romance.
Yet... good luck in finding a substitute. I think that, to your surprise and dismay, you'll find that girls are not exactly eagerly queing around the block to be shared with other couples/guys, or even to introduce porn watching into their sexual routine. A few may be interested, but many more will be uninterested/ repulsed/ annoyed by your suggestions.
It seems to me that you have snugly modeled your idea of what sex is over porn movies.
It's like those monthly cooking magazines with all the multi-tiered cakes and complicated recipes; intriguing to look at, perhaps, but what real people eat in real life is quite different...
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 October 2011):
 OK bear with me on this since I don't think it's going to be what you want to hear.
I believe your idea of good sex has been warped by porn. You are pushing for things that are pretty out there that seem to come straight from porn scenes (having a lot to do with voyeurism), then when she declines, you get angry at her because you feel these are "normal" things.
As well, rather than try to fix things, you are retreating into a fantasy world or trying to bring her into that fantasy world (trying to show her porn).
This is not conducive to a good sex life or a good relationship, at least not with another person. You haven't described anything in this post that makes me think she's done anything unreasonable or anything that would put her in the category of "bad at sex." All I've heard here is someone whose expectations seem to have warped to fit a fantasy world.
I think if you stopped/cut way way back on porn you would be a lot happier with your sex life. In the most repeated study ever done on porn use they found that porn use significantly decreased a person's satisfaction with their partner's sexual curiosity. It's been circulating around the psychology world for years now that porn use has been warping what is expected in a sexual relationship. It's worth a try anyways. Worst that happens is that you spent a month without porn, best case scenario is that your sex life gets a lot better.
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A
female
reader, alicia89 +, writes (25 October 2011):
 Your young go look for a girl that is intrested on what you want to do. Have some fun! ;) If you know what i mean! Im 22 and i watch porn with my husband every once in a while. I dont see anything wrong with that. This is just my opinion but i wish you the best! Hope i helped. :D
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (25 October 2011):
It sounds like you didn't plan to move in together, it just sort of happened. At 18 you probably didn't set out to get into a long-term relationship. It sounds like you're wanting to sow some wild oats, which isn't unreasonable. But pressuring her to do things she's not interested in is unreasonable.
You haven't told us what she wants. Fair enough if you're not interested in counselling -- it's not for everyone. But that puts more pressure on your communication skills. You've told her what you want -- have you heard whether she's happy with the status quo, or if she has needs you're not meeting?
It may be that this relationship has run its course.
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