A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I grew up in on pretty much a single-parent household, my mum's been on benefits all her life. My dad has spent the majority of his life in jail, and he's been extremely violent and emotionally abusive to both me and my mum, but my mum has always invited him to stay with us, even though she just claimed benefits as a single parent. (She's been in jail for a short time too.)Ive never really bonded with either of my parents, and to be honest I am not really sorry, as they truly dont seem to have my best interests at heart. They've never supported my education, always telling me why I couldn't do something, and their reputation was so bad (even in a neighbourhood like the one I came from) I didn't make any real friends at school.Thankfully I managed to get to an OK university and i have now moved away from home. I have made friends and my studies are going well, but one thing that keeps depressing me is my lack of a stable home life in general. I see all my friends having their parents come over, and I wish I had parents more like theirs.In particular, I miss having a proper father-figure. Maybe I just haven't grown up enough yet, but I feel like this will always be a problem. I wish some guy would just give me a long hug and stroke my hair and tell me everything's going to be OK, something i never had as a kid. I wish I felt like someone else actually cared about me and wanted to protect me. (My mum, also, was barely able to take care of herself let alone me, she never had a job.)What should I do? Should I just continue trying to "grow up" and hope that this childish need will one day leave me, maybe when I have a job and am more able to look after myself?Or should I try to look for someone who might be able to act as a sort of surrogate father-figure (like a chaplain or something)? Im not sure how much good the latter would do, though. I know it sounds silly, but it's mainly physical affection I want, and I can't exactly go asking a guy I barely know to start hugging me, it's going to come off completely the wrong way.I do know someone who's about 4 years older than me (he went to university late and already has kids), who's sometimes nice to me in a totally platonic way. We kind of know each other, and he occasionally pats me on the shoulder and stuff. But I don't want to come across as a clingy or needy friend. Also, as nobody here knows about my family situation and my lack of proper parents, I'm scared of coming across the wrong way as mentioned earlier.Help, please... what do I do?
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male
reader, Odds  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 You're not alone - this is fairly common among girls today. What makes your case unique is that you've consciously recognized the issue and are trying to solve it. So, before anything else, you deserve congrats on that point.
It's not childish to need a father figure. They do a lot of good, good which I don't think can come from any other place. You idea of finding a chaplain is a good one, some religious direction would probably help you a lot. God is the ultimate father figure.
The need for physical affection is a common response to your situation, but it's important to control it. It's far too easy to fall into a pattern of picking the wrong guy, just any guy, and getting hurt, then falling for the same trap again. Players know that girls with "daddy issues" are easy pickings, and that last thing you need right now is to be used.
Maintain your self control and find a guy who you believe would make a good father figure - not to you, but to your future children. He may not end up being that guy, but he will be less likely to use you and leave. Note: you're not looking for a husband or a potential father yet, just someone with that character. If he turns into all that one day, great, but that's not the goal. The goal is to find enough happiness and satisfaction that you can move forward, without throwing your life into a destructive path.
Best of luck to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): It's not childish to want those things it's natural but you have to see it for what it is. You can't get a new father figure, you're grown up now, you don't need to be raised. Friends are your family now. I grew up in similar circumstances no father and a mother who's boyfriends were abusive or just assholes.
I too had those feelings of being envious of others "complete" family units. Except over the years I've noticed none of those families were perfect either and even people that come from backgrounds like that often have big problems in them that they keep to themselves. I used to wonder and yearn for a strong father figure, someone who'd take me fishing and teach me how be to be a man, instead of punching me in the face for disobeying or at age 9 forcing me to spend two hours eating a man sized meal when I wasn't hungry.
But you know what, those experiences did teach me how to be a man, being raised in the wrong way is almost better than the right way, well it was for me, that might seem strange to most people. But my experiences taught me how not to be a bad man, how to overcome extreme hardship, how to treat people well and how to value good people and an excellent ability to spot abusers and people intent on hurting me a mile away. I can easily and without emotional trauma to myself dump a person who is bad for me, I can rid myself of someone at the first sign of trouble and not care for one second. Most people don't have that protective mechanism and they get used and abused. I have not once in my adult been used or abused by anyone. Anyone who "used" me I let them by choice because they had something I needed too so that's not using.
OP you have to be very careful with this need you have for physical affection, I learned pretty quickly that it can get you into a lot of trouble. You have to be careful because you might find that affection in the wrong person and your need might outweigh the bad effects that person has on you. I have a female friend who as a similar background to us and she has the same need you describe and it's ruined her life.
Firstly when she has had male friends her need for physical intimacy from them, her need for that 'closeness' you describe always goes too far and turns into sex. Now for her she doesn't mind giving the guy sex because she gets to have that physical intimacy for that night or for however long it plays out. She gives them what they want because when you get that close to a guy most guys will want sex and she so desires that intimacy and closeness that she never had from her father that she's willing to put up with horrible treatment from those guys just as long as they don't abandon her. I'm the only male friend she has left and she's in her mid 30's and she doesn't make friends easily with women because she needs male attention too much, she doesn't care about women as much as she does guys and she's always stepping on toes to get what she craves.
Yes we too have gotten that close, we've had sex and it nearly tore our friendship apart. In fact I had to take a big step back from her for a while because I'd fallen for her. You see that kind of closeness and physical intimacy is not normal for friendships, it can complicate things because it can feed romantic desires. For a lot of us guys girls that are that physically intimate are like a drug, we get we get to be cozy and intimate with them and we want more.
She has lost pretty much all of her male friends over the years through her need for the affection of a father figure, because the affection and closeness you have with a father cannot be transferred over to friends. That kind of closeness is too close, that kind of affection is crossing a boundary from friendship into a family type closeness more resembling romance. It doesn't work that way.
Another problem she has had is boyfriends. Her quest for the family she has never had means she gets involved with obsessed weirdos, guys who check up on her constantly and control her. She's been in an on/off relationship now for 6 years in which time he's used and abused her very badly, but she always went back for more. Because for some sick reason she felt that control was the closest thing to a father she ever had. She was willing to put up with all his shit as long he came back.
My advice, if you want physical affection, if you want a companion that will always yearn for affection, that will love you unconditionally and every time he sees you will be extremely happy and always want to be close to you. Will support you when sad and will never give up on you. A guy that will always be there for you and would fight to the death to protect you. Then get a dog. I'm serious too.
If you go out seeking this kind of thing in a man then you're going to get used, abused and be disappointed all your life. No man can fill a fathers shoes and you certainly don't want a man like your father. You want to be able to approach friendships and relationships without that neediness. Get a big old German shepherd if you want those things and do not treat male friends as fathers, do not get that physically close to them. Learn to gain the same satisfaction of closeness from emotional bonds of friendship.
Physical closeness between a man and a woman can get very complicated and when you "need" that life can be very tough. You might as well start taking heroin it can be so damaging to your well being.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 It is not childish to grow up without a father figure, but, in my honest opinion, you do not need it. What you DO need is to reconnect with your mother. I grew up without my father and I do not miss him, I do not regret growing up without him. He was exactly like your father except he got away with it all and in the end, he started a new family. I try not to let it affect me because in reality, it doesn't. At time, I admit, I do think about what I would have been like with a father figure. Sometimes I wonder if I would have made the same mistakes. I found a Father figure in school once. My Form tutor would speak to me and care for my wellbeing like a father and then I realized that it did not change a thing about me. Yes it was all well and good, a part of me felt as though I could look up to someone who would understand me completely but, it just did not change anything, it was not something I needed. Granted, there were no hugs, only handshakes but everything else was very fatherly about him. If it is hugs you are looking for, find it in friends.
Family is all around you, nestled in the hearts of those who love you. Talk to your mother and try to reconnect with her. She did after all, TRY to take care of you did she not? We all make mistakes but I am sure she still loves you as only a mother can love her child.
Do not be afraid of anything. Everybody needs affection once in a while, it is entirely understandable and I doubt you will come off as being clingy. If you need a hug, just ask for one from this friend of yours.
I hope that helps.
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