A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:About 3 yrs ago i got talking to a guy on a social networking site, i did not know what he looked like or anything about him, but instantly liked hes personality and i was kind of drawn to him, i can`t really explain how, nothing ever happened between us and i`m sure that he was totally unaware of how i felt anyway because i never showed it, i kind of felt a little silly if i was to say something because i didnt even know anything about him and he probably would have thought i was weird or something. I just felt very comfortable talking with him and felt a connection but i wasnt sure what, he made me laugh and i loved hes sense of humour, i doubt he ever felt the same about me but i was just wondering if anybody else has ever experienced something similar like this? he kind of stopped talking to me after a while and i felt like i had done something wrong to offend him in someway but i hadnt of course, i just felt i was gaining a good friendship then it just got taken away kind of thing and i felt a little disappointed but just let things be. I don`t open up to many people but with him i felt i could. i know its over 3 yrs ago now but i still wonder about this sometimes, im not sure why? I`ve spoken to many many people on socail networking sites but he was the one i liked speaking with the most. Any advice will be genuinely appreciated, Thank you. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Thank you so much to everybody who has responded to my question, it has helped alot. I wouldn`t exactly say this guy emotional hurt me, i was more disappointed when we stopped talking i think and just so very very curious to who he was, i liked the way in which he wrote things and felt he was a deep person and i think thats what attracted me so much to hes personality but i didnt see it has anything sexual, i kind of admired him in a way and yes you are right TEM i think i did create a bit of a fantasy around our friendship, now im not sure why i did that because i have never done that before. I have no problem with socialising with people in general but at that certain time when were friends i was going through a bit of a bad time in my life and felt sensitive and vunerable i think and i suppose speaking with somebody who i didnt know felt more comfortable then speaking with somebody i knew. but yes 3 yrs is a long time and a lot has changed. Im happy in a relationship and i think contacting him wouldnt be right because he had hes reasons to stop contact in the first place and if he did or does have a partner i wouldnt want to create a awkward situation , even though we were justfriends and she would not have anything to be worried about anyway because like i say it was nothing sexual and he had never said anything inappropriate, just someone who i felt i clicked with. All i wanted to know from the beginning is who my online friend was and hope life is treating him well. Thank you again to everybody who has taken the time to respond, all of your advice has helped.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Just a piece of general related advise to girls: Say it! Go out on a limb!If you felt a connection with him, suggest meeting up. I don't know if that would have been possible for you two (distance apart?), but guys don't tend to have great communication skills, our brains just don't dedicate as much room to it (read "The Female Brain" by Louann Brizendine). Don't let your male partners use that as an excuse or anything, but really, if you "felt a connection" but thought it might be "a little silly" to say something, there's a decent chance he feels (well, felt) the same way and is struggling to express it in a comfortable manner. And honestly, he's not going to be a dick and go "What the hell are you saying!" if he doesn't feel anything. Far more likely he'd be a little confused and surprised.Try not to be shy. Yes, much easier said than done... In my very limited experience though, people tend to surprise with their kindness and amiability in these sorts of situations.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (10 March 2011):
In counselling, part of the way that the therapeutic process can work is called transference, where we project our feelings onto the therapist in a safe environment, where the therapist is largely anonymous. I think a similar process can happen in online communication, where we feel safe enough (because the process is reasonably anonymous or at least virtual) to open up more than we sometimes can in real life. People say things to strangers on dear cupid that they don't have the courage to tell their partners often, who are the most important people in their lives, so you can see how much easier it can be to open up in the virtual environment :) When we meet someone online who is nice, who listens to us, when we like the way they communicate and express themselves, it opens up the possibility of us accessing and expressing deeper feelings that we might not feel safe enough to express to anyone in our real life. Obviously he was someone you connected with naturally too, you liked the way he communicated, or understood you, or took the time to listen to you and respond in a way that made you feel connected. Mostly, he was someone you could open up to. This has to do with his qualities as a person, the communication between you two, and the fact that it was happening online. It sounds like it was a good thing. You could message him and see if he wanted to reconnect, maybe it would mean something to him too. Maybe not. There is no harm in asking. Or you could leave it and keep the memory of a meaningful connection that you had at a time in your life. Perhaps you could make a few new connections, and find someone new that you could open up to in a similar way. I am sure you have tried of course, but you never know who you are going to meet in the future.... Today might be a good day :)Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): I think the not knowing who he was is very mysterious and exciting and that is why you keep having these thoughts about him. It`s normal to want to know who we are speaking with online anyway. He probably had a partner or something and thats why he stopped contact because he might have picked up on how you really felt and you just didnt know it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): I wonder if you have built this internet friendship up a bit over time. I'm sure you felt a connection with this person. But you had never met so what you had was a bit of a fantasy in a way. He broke off, he may have been in a relationship already or sensed you were too keen - who knows. But what you are recalling is, in a sense, quite unreal. Yes what you felt was real but whether he felt the same, again is a mystery. It is bound to stay that way, so accept it and put it behind you.
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A
female
reader, TEM  +, writes (9 March 2011):
 Well, there isn't much to go on here, so I will make a couple of observations. Sometimes we create a fantasy around a relationship such as you have with the online guy.
Although it was just an online relationship, in your head and heart it became more. You became attached to him and might have had hopes of meeting him one day. When he abruptly disappeared it was a loss. You missed him and no one since has been able to fill that void. It happens. I don't think it is all that unusual that it happens either. Whether you realized it or not, you were involved in an emotional affair. It doesn't matter if it was one-sided. All that matters is how you felt. You developed a crush.
However, people can only show so much online. You really don't know a whole lot about him, other than you clicked and had fun talking to him. If he has a significant other in his life (such as a wife or a girlfriend), she might have noticed that he was spending a lot of time on the computer and asked him who he was talking to. She might not have appreciated it and told him to stop.
I do not think he disappeared because something you did or said. The fact that he didn't say goodbye, knowing full well that you would have no future means of contacting him, leads me to believe he was talking to you in secret and got caught. I'm sorry he did this. It must have hurt and you have had a hard time getting over it. Take what you have learned from this and apply to your life. You know what kinds of qualities you are looking for in a man now. Try to find an available one.
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A
male
reader, dannn +, writes (9 March 2011):
People feel connections with people they feel they can relate to or people who can relate to them, (my experience) or sometimes someone just seems to push all the right buttons, has similar interests or other things. Personally I'd say it was a nice experience but focus more on your relationships with people in person. Liking someone online is like loving a great book. Yes they're people, but perhaps you felt more comfortable since you didn't know him, he didn't judge on appearance, or first impressions? Maybe I'm biased but I think online dating and meeting people online is very superficial.
Anyways hope you find someone who makes you feel that way, or better :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): It's the same as in real life...you sometimes just 'click' with someone...it happens all the time. Just because it's an old friendship it doesn't mean that you can't like someone.If you miss him so much, why don't you send him an email or something? Just to catch up.But if you are looking for something more, I do think you should move on as 3 years is a long time...:)All the best.
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