A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i am 43 yrs old married for 18 yrs and have a son 16 and a daughter 9 but here is the situation. it was love at first sight at the age of 16 instantly i knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life with this girl, still a virgin (both of us) i didn't want to just give that to just anyone so i said to myself the girl I give my virginity to is the one I will marry. so I made this commitment to myself and to my heart and that fateful night i surrendered myself to her and her to me. i love this girl. two and a half years go by but there is a problem she is an introvert and I am an extrovert (at that age I can't even spell that leave alone know what an introvert is) she doesn't say i love you and isn't open and outgoing like me and i struggled hard not hearing the same from her that i was telling her and it was like pulling teeth to get her to say i love you to me. so what do i do? the dumb thing, i bluff her one night and say,"you don't love me like i love you so just get out of my life ". me thinking if I say this she will defend herself and tell me she loves me right? wrong she clammed up more and started crying, well great that wasn't in my plan so now what do I do ok ok i will apply more pressure i'm a man that's what we do so while she is standing there i say just get out!!!!! still thinking now she will tell me she loves right? wrong again she turns with tears in her eyes and leaves. after three days of stomach aches cramps etc I can't take it i run to her house on a thursday morning and knock on her door. she answers in her pajamas, i say i'm sorry i made a big mistake but she will not take me back, influenced by her sisters and mother and rightfully so i suppose and i never get the chance to tell her what the argument was really about. more days go by and now weeks and then a guy 9 yrs older than her gives her his number and they start dating. (I find out now what i did was i broke her heart and she went with him to get herself out of her parents house) so it's over for her and i and i move on reluctantly get married and make the best of it and it's great my wife loves me and waits on me hand and foot and i on her we are compatible and all and decided to have two children now 16 and soon to be 9. mind you with two affairs under my belt trying to find what i had with my first love ok? so i'm not perfect. but for the last 25 yrs once a year i called my first love and wish her happy birthday my heart still pounding when i call and every day i think of her what she is doing does she ever think of me and when i get in the shower and water running down my face at the end of the day and the first thing in my mind i wonder how is she what she is doing now and after 25 yrs she doesn't know the truth of the argument that happened that day all those years ago. so michael jackson dies a good reason to call my first love (it was the 80's ok hehe) and so i do and again heart racing and pounding nervous etc and we talk about m.j. and we finally exchange email info. after all these years of calling her on her bday I never wanted to jeopardize what I had with her which was just talking so i never mentioned the argument to her during those 25 yrs. but now, an opportunity to tell her and we start to talk about it and she thinks it was over another girl and i tell her is that what you think it was over? she says yes and if not what was it about? i tell her, if you remember correctly you were not outgoing and introverted (and still is) and so she said what did you expect from a 16 yr old girl and would do anything to change it now. i've never stopped loving this girl,my first love and true love, we still love each other and want to be together so you have all the info can somebody give me some advice? this is not a strange piece of a** it's been my life long dream to be with the one I gave myself and have loved since day one and feel stuck. i'm here done shuffling the cards what now?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): If it was like pulling teeth to get her to say she loved you back then, and you say she is still introverted now, then the communication problem and that behavior is still present. Remember it upset you enough then that you felt you had to "test" her. Can you live long term in a relationship with somebody who can't tell you that she loves you? It is normal to have strong feelings and memories for the first love of your life, but what happens when you start living together in the present and the extrovert/introvert problems have to be dealt with every day? How will she treat your children? If she is not able to express love to you, what will she convey to them? Will that hurt their feelings? Will they feel comfortable and happy being around her? One important thing to consider is you are at the age of a the "midlife crisis" -- that spot in time where we look back and look forward and realize time is passing by and the shoulda's and could'as are in play. Personally, I think you should stay with your wife. Romance her. Book a weekend at an exotic getaway. Buy her some sexy lingerie. If you aren't in shape, get a gym membership or take up running together in the mornings. Consider it a challenge to put some spice back in your relationship. Most importantly, think about what this will do to your kids if you divorce. They will be bounced back and forth between your house and hers.
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (26 October 2009):
 Well in all honesty have you asked your first love if she is happy in her marriage? I am assuming she is still with this older guy? Does she have children with him?
You made a committment to your wife and you also have children as well so don't jump out of the frying pan into the fire without having certain answers that your first love wants you in her life and wants you in every sense of the word, not just meeting up on the odd occasion.
Don't break everyone's heart unless you are 100% certain that your first love reciprocates your love back to you.
You were young and naive when you played the game of testing her love for you and as she was introverted she couldn't express herself properly. The problem I have with all of this is the fact that you say she is still the same in as much as not being able to express herself.
Don't linger after someone if the love you imagine is NEVER actually going to appear with her. Maybe she isn't as loving as you have made her out to be, maybe that isn't in her and that may be something you have to accept.
You currently have a loving wife and two wonderful children so don't jeopardise that on the idea that your first love is the one for you if she cannot tell you how much she cares and loves you, she may NEVER be able to be that perfect woman you imagine she is.
You have a loving relationship right now so be VERY VERY sure before you turn your life upside down as there are most definitely at least 3 innocent people in your life who will not thank you for just dumping them on a whim.
If your first love also has a family she needs to be certain before she makes the jump as well.
Sometimes the idea we have in our heads is not reality so be certain before you change your life forever. Fairytale romances aren't always the same in real life.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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