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male
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*dude
writes: Dear Cupid,I have a father who is very pushing and demanding. I don't know what standards he has set but he pushes other people to achieve more and more in life. Sometimes, his advice and push helps other people, but for me it is making me lose my confidence. When i was young he used to set targets for me to achieve and would buy me a thing i wanted. Usually, i did manage to achieve them for the desire to get the thing i wanted. It was like a sugar and ant scenario. This thing continued till i became adult. But what i realized is that all this time, whenever i achieved something, he would never give me any praise for it. He would rather attribute to other things. He would praise children of other people, even though they might be less able than me. The more i try to satisfy his targets, the more demanding he becomes. At times, he becomes so demanding that he doesn't even consider whether it is appropriate to demand something like that from your child at such an age. He becomes so careless and cruel. Sometimes he asks me to do things for others that are quite insensible and impractical. I sometimes do entertain them for the sake of pleasing him though.Because i am never able to satisfy him completely and don't get any cheer from him, i have developed a low self-esteem. And now it seems, i just can't do anything to improve it as my father's demands are insatiable. Please help me with this.
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reader, pops +, writes (4 September 2005):
How can anyone else help you with this? You sound like you still want to please your father, no? We can't help you do that. No one can. Now, your father has a problem, but you can't address that, either. He has treated you, and raised you like you would a trained hunting dog, and not as a child. Shame on him. You need to get counseling for your low self-esteem, and you should start with your counselors at school, or with your physician. You have nothing to feel low about. You are a good kid who has tried all his life to meet his father's standards. You desire praise, and love. You don't mention your mother in all this. What does she expect of you? What does she say to your father about his demands? Does she have any control of him at all? Does she show you any love? Tell the guy in the mirror each morning that the world is lucky to have you, smile, and then get on with your day. Years ago, I studied briefly with a famous musician. Every lesson, he tore me down, and told me how bad a musician I was. I knew better. I was 15 or 16 at the time, and I finally told my mother I was not going to study with the guy anymore. It took a little convincing, but she called him up when we got home, and canceled the future lessons( which were costing big bucks). I continued to earn horors and awards for my performances, and never looked back. Sometimes, older people are wrong, and sometimes these older people are one or both of your parents. Get some adult help, so that you have an adult who can speak to your father for you. But, also work on learning to like that guy in the mirror.
A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (4 September 2005):
You are despairing, every daughter wants their fathers approval. You have tried so hard all your life and have never been praised. Your fathers' tactics may have worked to help motivate you, but they have done nothing to help your self esteem. I believe your father thought he was being such a good and loving father so you wiil have to approach this sensitively. Write a letter to your Dad in which you thank him for all he has done for you and given you, tell him you love and admire him, it is clear that you do. Tell him that you need his praise, say very clearly, DAD I NEED AND WANT YOU TO PRAISE ME ONCE EVERYDAY FROM NOW ON. End the letter on a loving grateful note and post it to his place of work or your home address, that way he will take it seriously.
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A
female
reader, MonaLiza +, writes (4 September 2005):
You sound like such a mature and responsible young man. First of all let me start by telling you that parents aren't perfect people and sometimes they see so much potential in their own children that they forget the fact that the most important thing they can give that child is to love them unconditionally. Nothing wrong with wanting to see your child achieve the best but it's totally wrong if you loose the abbility to show your love. You will have to speak to your father about this and tell him exactly how you feel and don't try to spare his feelings when you do this. Make it clear to him that you are a individual, someone who always tried to please him but it's time you start thinking about yourself. What do YOU want, and what do YOU need to be happy. Start doing things that would please you and not him.It's your life, not his, so start living your life the way that will make you feel good about yourself. Tell him that you do understand that he only wants the best for you but it's time he starts trusting in you, and that he should give you the space to live your live in such a way as you see fit. Tell him how all this pushing from his side is making you feel, and that he is draining you emotionally with all his demands.
Stop trying to satify your father because he is so wrong, and start living !!!.. not in your fathers shadow but in a way that will make you happy and feel good about yourself. I hope you can do this because by doing it you will slowly start building your self-confidence again. Keep well and best of luck to you !!!
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