A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing a chap for two years; he is a widower and I am a divorcee with a young son.'My' chap has met my family (parents and sister) and I have met his friends but not his family.I don't want to come over all 'bunny boiler' about this, but I am finding it somewhat perplexing that he says he is awfully serious (keeps trying to persuade me to move in with him) but hasn't felt able to introduce me to his mother and siblings. I know he's mentioned me in telephone conversations, but not once has he suggested I meet them; if I suggest this he comes up with some excuse or other about timings or the problems of getting me to meet them (I live on the way ....).I fully understand that his late wife was the love of his life, and that he still misses her terribly, but I am persuaded that he isn't actually as sincere about the long term as he thinks he is .Helpful suggestions are welcomed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2014): Then you must be direct and ask him why. You've waited two years and you'll accept no more excuses. If he can't answer your or will not answer you. Continue to date if you like; I just wouldn't recommend living with a man who doesn't want you to meet his family. If he's over 40, most of his family is even older. He's too old to be worried about their opinions toward who he chooses to love. You can rule that out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's Scottish and I'm English, but he tries not to hold that against me. As for religion, neither has what you would call a mainstream faith so, no there isn't that issue either. We both come from middle-class backgrounds, so I guess he just isn't as 'in to' me as either of us thought.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2014): You are rationalizing. Two years is too long to keep you away from meeting his family. He lost his wife, that's really sad. What has that got to do with you being his girlfriend for the last two years? Now he wants to move you in.
Do not move in, until he is able to introduce you to his family. Don't make excuses for him. He will never get over his wife. So that excuse is worn out. I lost my partner of 28 years to cancer. I will never get over that, but I will not commit myself to someone for two whole years, and not introduce them to my family. Nor would I let anyone get away with that.
You still didn't answer my questions. Are you of a different ethnic origin or religion? He doesn't think his family will accept you. You wouldn't have written your post to this site, if this all didn't seem odd to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice; on balance I don't think he's that ashamed of his family - he talks about them all the time - and they sound about as 'sane' as mine. I do, however, think he feels guilty about seeing me after his wife died.
He is lovely, and will - hopefully - make some woman very happy, but only when he's in the right place, and that isn't now.
I am not sure he realises it but the next time I see him I will be having 'the talk'.
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A
female
reader, Angora998  +, writes (24 July 2014):
Tell him point blank that you need to meet his family before even considering living together. He may be afraid of what they may tell you. My mother feels the need to tell my new boyfriend that I'm a lousy housekeeper (by her standards), and bring up an old boyfriend or two. I tell them ahead of time what she does when it gets to the stage of meeting her.
Tell him how you feel. If he refuses to introduce you, than ask for his reasoning? It would piss me off, but if he's ashamed of where he came from he needs to tell you now. because if it turns serious, they will be your family.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (22 July 2014):
 Your instincts are telling you what to do...I'd follow them. Anyone that 'hides' their family has something to hide more than the family. most folks are proud of the family they came from and can'y wait to have them meet the prospective family member. Your instincts are telling you what is wrong here. Lots of luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2014): After two years and not yet introducing you to his family; I'd say he may feel embarrassed about them in some way.
Perhaps they are dysfunctional as a unit; and your family
is the completely opposite. He may be ashamed of his economic status as compared to yours. He doesn't want you to judge him or his family; if they are very poor.
I'm confounded as to how he can come-up with two-years' worth of excuses. That would make me quite nervous.
I don't recommend that you move-in with a man who has avoided introducing you to his family for so long. Are you of a different ethnic background or religion? Why have you allowed it so long? Maybe he's protecting you from something. Family should come to you as a surprise, they should be formerly introduced.. You have a right to know his origins; and to meet his mother, before you blindly place yourself into a situation that could leave you so vulnerable.
He may be a very nice guy; but he's keeping you away from his family. Not a good sign.
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female
reader, auntieJ +, writes (22 July 2014):
 Families are funny things,it could be a anything from not getting along with them very well to his family being close with his late wife.
Perhaps his family were close to his late wife & they also miss her terribly?
I don't see why you can't just sit him down and say
"Right you have met my family and I wish to meet yours. However you come up with excuses for me not to and I'm beginning to wonder if there is something you're not telling me."
It's honestly THAT simple.
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