A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This needs to be long, but I’ll try and sum it up as best I can!I'm 23 years old, and in a long term relationship. I have anxiety problems/am a chronic worrier etc. My boyfriend has dyspraxia, and possibly a touch of autism, which prevents him from feeling certain emotions properly, mainly sadness. We were friends for quite some time beforehand, and he has always been so supportive and understanding towards me.My boyfriend has been a bit more distant recently, and last week we had a bit of a chat, in which I’ve realised I need to change in order to make us work. I’ve started getting help, and have started to recognise things I need to change etc.We met up at the weekend, me with the intention of convincing him I could and would change, so that he would give me a chance to fix our relationship. However, it came up that he can’t see what’s next for us, we don’t really talk all that much, don’t do a huge amount, and doesn’t seem to think we have much in common. I convinced him to let us try and work this out, and fix it.All weekend we didn’t hold hands, kiss, or cuddle in bed (although it has been very hot!) We haven’t had sex in about 3 weeks, and he never says he misses me anymore. But he does still say he loves me. He is an honest man. I’m worried that he doesn’t want to fix this as much as I do, and therefore we will just end up fizzling out. I truly feel like this relationship is worth fighting for, I think we are better matched than he realises. I know for a fact that I need him much more than he perhaps needs me…so I REALLY need to try and fix us.We obviously need to discuss things more, but has anybody had this situation before? Can this work out? Any advice on what I can do, say? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2014): I want you to stop and think about how this relationship is good for you, if you worry about how he feels about you all the time?
You mentioned he may have a mild form of autism, and he doesn't express emotions and feel emotions properly due to dyspraxia. I understand symptoms of dyspraxia can impede memory, as well as motor skills. You knew this all from the very start.
Knowing all this about him, exactly what kind of advice are you asking for? You say you know he means he loves you when he says it; then what exactly is the problem?
Perhaps your anxiety disorder conflicts with his impediments. As I previously indicated, you may be incompatible romantically; but not as friends.
You chose a mate that you cannot interpret or discern his feelings. Either by his actions, nor his emotions.
You suffer from anxiety and worry. How do YOU expect to function as a couple under such opposing psychological issues?
You were friends to start. I suspect you decided to make more of it. From the way you describe his difficulty in expressing appropriate emotion; it wasn't he who initiated a romantic-relationship.
I guess if you choose to remain in a romantic-relationship with him; you'll have to learn to live with the uncertainty of it. He has emotional impediments that he has no control over.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2014): A relationship requires 2 people to sustain it.
You can't keep it running on your own forever.
If he's not into it, let it go. You'll meet someone else who will give you what you need.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE, I perhaps should make some things a bit clearer. First off, I did specify that he is my boyfriend, he has been for almost a year. I also haven't accused him of anything; I'm just worrying in my own head that he doesn't want this as much as I do. Because he doesn't show emotion as much as some people, it is quite difficult to tell without asking directly. I also am not asking him to tell me he loves me etc, he does that anyway. If he didn't mean it, he simply wouldn't say it. I've known him long enough to know that. I won't see him until Saturday so I guess I'm just trying to find out what I can do for us in the meantime, thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2014): Relationships only last as long as "two" people are willing to work at it. Together!!! You've become emotionally-dependent on him; and he is probably feeling the pressure from your anxiety to keep it going.
You're now incompatible as a romantic-couple. Your anxiety might be a lot for him to handle. Don't forget, he has his own issues. You're pressuring him to show you feelings he may not have; or can no longer offer you.
If you do have an established relationship that has been long-term as you say, you are probably seeing the signs that it is winding down. So if it worries you, it's best to let it go for your own health and peace of mind.
Therapy is definitely necessary; if you're clinging desperately; even though you feel he doesn't feel motivated to make it work. He has a right to end it if he wants to.
I noticed that you said you're in a long-term relationship; but you didn't specify if he's your "boyfriend;" or how long you've been together? I venture to guess you're longtime friends, and you want more?
You oddly left-out these very important details.
Regardless, I will not paint rosy pictures for you; or just tell you what you want to hear. You've formed an attachment; but it wasn't based on him reciprocating the same feelings. It seems to be predicated on a "friendship;" which later became a romance. At least from your point of view.
I think you're "trying" to create a romantic-relationship with him. In spite of knowing his emotional limitations. You aren't leaving him the choice to be honest with you. You've accused him of not trying. Perhaps he has given you all he plans to give you; of has done the best he can.
You can love someone without being in-love with them. Your anxieties and worries can't force people to love you the way you want them to. If it's not there, it's not there.
If you are unable to deal with this without it causing you high anxiety, you may need to work closer with your therapist. You don't seem to be handling this well without professional help. So my advice is to lighten your worries
with therapy to determine if it's all in your mind, or the reality of things.
He says he loves you, because it may be necessary to calm you down. Actions speak louder than words.
You're miserable, because you don't see much evidence to back up what he says. You may have difficulty accepting rejection, and you're forgetting the limitations of your friend's diagnosed psychological disorders.
It's time to seek a little extra counseling to help you cope. You're trying to force him to behave in a way he may not be able to; while you're not able to handle and control your own feelings about it. You're avoiding the reality of the situation. He can't just fix himself.
You may be asking him to "pretend he's in-love with you" to make you happy.
Do you really want that?
You cannot force him to function beyond his emotional and/or mental capabilities; and the reality may be he doesn't want to.
That's where you should seek therapy to help you deal with that possibility; without it causing you undue emotional trauma.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 July 2014):
 You have an insecure attachment and it makes him avoidant. Have you tried letting him make plans and work for you? Is sitting back considered a change for you? Don't fear it fizzling out. A man, autistic or not, should put in the effort. If you are unhappy in the relationship it should indeed fizzle out. Don't let the fear of break up make you stay miserable and lonelier within a relationship.
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