A
male
age
41-50,
*roubleMan
writes:I got very drunk last night with my fiancé and a few friends. By the end of the night I was pretty inebriated. I often feel the desire to have sex when drunk however she was not interested because of the way I was acting earlier in the evening. I had an erection and tried to initiate sex with her. She told me no and I proceeded to restrain her. I came close to peneitrating her and realized she was crying. I stopped and apologized and slept on the couch. This morning we talked about it and she told me that someone in her in her immediate family raped her from ages 10-15. Her experience with me (another man who is close to her) forcing my will brought up those suppressed memories. We have never had any abuse in our relationship in the 4 years we've been together. Now I fear she will look at me as someone she can't trust aswell.Today we registered for premarital counseling but this i feel is not enough. Please give some guidence.
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (16 June 2014):
 Although what you did was harsh for any woman, what happen needed to happen for her sake. You might be thinking WHAT?!? How could you say that??Life has a way of teaching us how to be strong with our problems, and the things that hurt us the most, the things that we RUN away from will keep coming back until we learn to deal with it. Your fiancé had a bad experience in her life. She may not have dealt with it. Life will continue to bring it up through you again or someone else. We can try to run, but life lessons will always come back to test us. Let’s look at her experience as going to the gym for the first time. The first time you go to the gym (have a bad experience) all your muscles are in pain (Your world seems shattered). But the more often you go the gym (the more the bad experience keeps resurfacing), the less pain you feel and the stronger you get. If you hold to a heavy weight for too long (holding on to the past, and bad experiences), the more strain you put on your muscles (the more strain you put on your life and relationships), and more chance you have of damaging the muscles (Holding on to the past can lead to major depression, guilt, anger, and resentment, which could shutdown anyone and their relationship).Because of what happen she is now seeking help, and maybe able to get rid of all the past feelings. If this did not happen, who knows how long she could have gone trying to block out or run away from that bad experience.All bad experiences will make us stronger, if we learn to deal with it, learn from it, and let it go. You cannot change the past.I always say…Bad things happen for good reasons. And that bad thing was what you did. Now you both can heal together…then let go of this and put it in the past.
A
female
reader, maisy1  +, writes (15 June 2014):
OMG!!! What on earth were you thinking?!?!
You came so close to raping this girl, and even though no penetration took place you could still be charge with sexual assault!! Who did you think you were treating someone you are supposed to be in love with like that?
"We have never had any abuse in our relationship in the 4 years we've been together. "
So what? The four years of no abuse doesn't in any way excuse this one incident.
"Now I fear she will look at me as someone she can't trust aswell"
Really? She will ever trust you again. How could she possibly trust you? This is something she will never forget or truly get over. The fact you are considering IF rather than WHEN she stops trusting you shows how blind you are to the reality of this. Instead of fearing you wont be trusted you should be worrying about how much you have fucked up this poor woman's emotions and should be concerned with being charged with sexual assault.
" I came close to peneitrating her and realized she was crying"
And that surprised you?! You forced yourself at her, held her down, made her feel threatened, violated, ashamed and that she was going to be raped (again) and it took TEARS or fear, heartbreak, violation and desperation for you to stop? You disgust me. Did the word "No" not register enough for you or were you deaf as well as drunk?? Did the fact you had to restrain her not register as far from concent? Or do you think being drunk is a reasonable excuse?
What bothers me is the way you so coldly and emotionally distantly describe the way you restrained this girl, how you had an erection that needed to be used and how you often have the need for sex when drunk. Almost as though you are describing a strangers actions rather than your own terrifying actions!
Your user name is very apt....Troubleman indeed! Stay away from this poor woman and let her rebuild her life and shattered self esteem with someone who will treat her right. She deserves a lot better. You sound a Jekyl and Hyde.
Get your self sorted out before you get drunk again and don't stop next time. I don't care how nice and kind you are when sober, when drunk you are a monster, a near rapist and a threat to women.
I hope you feel the shame, regret, disgust and anger at yourself that you deserve, and I trust that this incident is enough to make you realize you have a big problem that needs professional help. I also hope you have the maturity and sense to get that help quickly, stick with it and appreciate that whatever you are feeling right now, and no matter how much our words on here hurt, that is nothing compared to what you have put this poor woman through.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (15 June 2014):
 OP what do you think the response would be if your fiancée was the one asking the question? If she, or any other woman, described what you did when drunk how do you think we would advice her to act now? I would advise any woman who suffered what you did to her to LEAVE right away for her own protection.
"She told me no and I proceeded to restrain her. "
Your words. Read that through again a few times.
You quite frankly should be ashamed of yourself and need to accept that you have a problem with your drinking and your self control. If she had not cried you would have continued to the point of rape? Yes?
Do yourself a favour and seek help for you drinking and your behaviour when drunk. Do her a favour and stay well away as she has suffered enough without a drunk forcing her to tears and the point of rape. You have violated here trust, bought up trauma from her past and I doubt she will ever trust you again. How can she? You tried to rape her while drunk and she could not get you to stop physically as you over powered her. How must she have felt at that moment - you forcing her, almost penetrating her, restraining her, all while she begged you to stop and tried to fight you off! Bad enough for any woman to experience that from anyone, but one who has been through sexual abuse as a child getting that treatment from the man she loves....?!
Mark
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 June 2014):
 Stop drinking. If when you are drunk you are capable of going to this lengths and assault women to a hairbreadth from rape,- then obviously drinking iis not for you.
You have been lucky that it happen with a loving Gf who is ( perhaps ) willing to forget and forgive . Had it been a casual hook up, you might very well be in jail by now.
The advise isn't half moralistic as it may sound, it is very practical in fact. Even supposing that premarital counseling works, and that she is willing/ able to disassociate you from the horrible memeories that your action must have triggered... you say you fear she'll look at you like someone whom she cannot trust. OF COURSE she'll look at you like someone she cannot ever trust fully . If she knows that when you drink you may turn into a wild beast, why should she trust you, and how could she.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (15 June 2014):
 You restrained your fiancé and literally almost raped her. The only reason you stopped was because you noticed her tears. What came over you?? I know you were drunk, but you don't ever pin a woman down and force sex. It doesn't matter if you're her fiancé or not. Forcing someone against their will into having sex is rape. Period. Regardless of if you are strangers or if you have been married for 30 years. Something like one in six women have experienced some type of sexual assault in their lifetimes. That's a truly disturbing figure.
I don't know what to tell you in this situation. If she were the person who came on here for advice, saying that her fiancé wanted sex so he held her down and started to try to force her and she started crying, I would most certainly tell her to break up with you. I'm not trying to make you feel ever worse. But you need to realize the full magnitude of what happened. You just made a very huge mistake. And being drunk doesn't change the damages potentially already done.
My gf has suffered sexual abuse in her past, and if I ever did what you did, she would not only be terribly traumatized, but never speak to me again. You are lucky she has even spoken to you since it happened.
You probably just opened Pandoras box to her. Many survivors have pushed those memories so far back to the back of their mind, that when something triggers that memory and makes it come flooding back, it literally becomes them reliving the single worst moment of their lives over again. It's a horrible thing.
She may not be able to get past this. Maybe, and hopefully for her sake, she can cope with it and learn to move past it. But also be prepared that she may not. Truth be told, you're just lucky she didn't press charges against you for attempted rape.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2014): I agree. NEVER DRINK AGAIN! You are a HORRIBLE, ABUSIVE drunk. That is dangerous.
With that being said, I'm glad you now feel very guilty and I think you should allow yourself to wallow in that feeling for about 30 minutes, to truly accept how awful it was and to help you swear off of alcohol for good.
You will need couples counselling, but you may also need individual counselling to stop drinking and she will need individual counselling to deal with the suppressed rape trauma.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2014): You were "pretty inebriated," but could still stop once your fiance was crying - to which you then apologized...Something doesn't quite add up for me.
Did you realize at that exact moment, when she was crying, that what you did was attempted rape? Or did you simply stop because you, who was intoxicated and not in a straight state of mind, was able to translate crying as something generally bad and therefore stopped?
Apparently you weren't all that drunk and all that out of control to realize what you were doing was wrong - which makes me worry for you and your fiance.
I would continue with the premarital counseling and go see a personal counselor where you can discuss alcohol and your actions. You acknowledge that more can be done, which is good because more does have to be done. Might I suggest no more alcohol? Given what you've done, it's the least you could do.
Your fiance should also see a personal counselor if she isn't already. She needs to divulge her pain to someone else. I'm not sure how supportive her family is or whether they know of her past, but she needs an outlet, someone who will make her feel safe and comfortable. Someone who commonly works with victims of rape and sexual assault, and won't make her feel shameful or guilty by speaking honestly.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 June 2014):
 You basically violated her trust and ALMOST full blown raped her. I don't blame her for being upset.
Talk to HER and ask HER what she NEEDS from you in order to rebuild trust in you.
I would suggest you stop drinking if you can't control yourself. Being horny & drunk is no excuse for not respecting a NO!.
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