A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why am I struggling to form friendships? I message people and try to make arrangements but people don't really bother with me. I asked someone if she would like to meet up and she said it would be lovely to, so I told her to let me know when she's free. I haven't heard back, so I messaged a week or so later and haven't heard back.Someone else said about meeting up in the school half tearm so I asked her what she was doing one of the days and she didn't get back to me. These are just a couple of examples of trying to make arrangements with others but people never follow up, even though they seem enthusiastic at the time.I don't understand where I'm going wrong. I'm friendly person but I don't make friends! I don't understand where I'm going wrong.Maybe this is karam or I have some sort of blocks that are stopping me from forming friendship with others but I feel really sad as if thereIis something wrong with me. I haven't had a proper social life for years now. I feel like a person who doesnt matter. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): Your age is down as your late twenties, so I need to check - are you still a student and if so where? College? Uni?Best thing to do is check that there is nothing obvious that you've missed - like really bad breath or some other obvious to others but not to you habit - is there anything at all that's anti-social that you are doing?I know it can be hard when you just want the same as what everyone else seems to have, to then be told by others that you may come across as 'needy' - it hurts and it seems a bit crazy. The thing is though, I've spent a lot of years feeling exactly like you did and I've only recently found that yes, in a sense you are needy, but there's also more to it.The MAIN thing is that you really must find your own hobbies and things that you like doing in a group context. It doesn't matter how artificial or weird they feel at first, you really must have something to help people connect with in a very casual way - it takes out any possibility of intensity and you seeming needy - people pick up on incredibly subtle clues - not because they are massively sensitive as people, but just because some needy people DON"T fit the norm in the way they come across. The other thing is that you need a LOT more exposure to different kinds of people - different age groups, different backgrounds, different interests. You probably do not quite fit into whatever groups the people you've been approaching fit into - and sometimes we just cannot see this until we meet different people in different contexts. For example, I recently understood that, due to my life experiences I actually get on MUCH better with people who are about 10 - 20 years older than me - I feel much less pressured and like they just understand that people for whatever reason get lonely and need friends sometimes - they're often far less judgemental. Prior to that and because I'm a mature student, I was really stuck - on a surface level I got on really,r eally great with the students at college - who were on average 10 years younger than me. Because I look younger and I really do have a lot in common with them and I am very socially skilled, I could NOT understand why they weren't involving me more. Thing is, at that younger age, people are literally much more blaze about forming friendships - they literally don't care all that much about forming really lasting friendships and often the friendships involved have some sort of criteria that you may not be into - eg. smoking pot on the side is a HUGE factor in why some people form groups and seem really cliquey - another one is feeling like they are going through very, very similar struggles together or are from very similar backgrounds. Another one can be race or sexuality. What I'm saying is that until you try different kinds of contexts you won't see that you are in the wrong context for you.Finally, it helps if you have something to offer. By this I definitely DO NOT mean that you must be a doormat and provide for people and get used and I do not mean that you must become the 'caring' friend who offers support in order to retain friendships. I've fallen into those traps and been used. What I mean is, once you form a really good relationship with yourself and can have a lot of fun by yourself then you develop a natural effervescence and buoyancy - this is NOT something that you can fake, people can sense it genuinely a mile off. And I do not mean becoming super confident or the centre of attention - you can be quietly bubbling and 'up' and yet give out a great vibe. This is the kind of 'offering' I'm talking about - and it does not mean that you cannot also state your needs or your problems when you have them - but general enthusiasm for life goes a very, very long way - it kinda makes other people want some of what you have.For some of us it;s not that easy to form friendships and the longer it goes on the more we convince ourselves we are not needed and there's something wrong with us. It really is very, very important to keep developing yourself and to keep putting yourself in different social contexts. Voluntary work is another possibility. Also, DON't expect any deep bond with people. Just value whatever time you spend with them - even if it's a two second hello, value it instead of thinking immediately 'is that it?" Value when you're in shops buying stuff and the cashier wishes you a nice day - respond and realise it's all part of being in a social context. The more you value the little bits of socialising you have, the more you will gain confidence and draw people to you indirectly ; sometimes people simply do not respond well to a more confrontational "would you like to do ..." Sometimes just a "wow that looks interesting I'm going to go to that" or a 'I went to this amazing ....." and then talk about the actual event but without trying to persuade the other person to join in. You will probably find that your enthusiasm will rub off and they will want to come with you.
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (15 June 2014):
 Maybe you are coming across as being a bit needy and desperate for friends? Perhaps you need to allow friendships to grow naturally rather than push to arrange things a little too soon? Maybe you are so intent on forming friendships that you are trying to do it with anyone rather than people you have built up a good rapport with?
Ive found its better to get to know someone for a while, at work, or through your interests, before trying to arrange to do something or go somewhere.
Mark
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