A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:It is thanks, by and large, to the really helpful replies and other articles on this website that I have now found the strength to tell my unfaithful, lying, controlling, husband that I will no longer tolerate his awful behaviour to me. While I was making up my mind I couldn't talk to friends so it is just great that there are strangers out there who really care enough to take the time to help. When I've got through this I'll try to do the same for others.In the end of course, like everything else that was important in our 21 year marriage he made the decision for me. He went to see his mistress again in spite of all that I thought we'd agreed between ourselves and with the counsellor about him having no more contact with her. And he did it deliberatly and he lied over and over again when I asked him, knowing full well that all i wanted was the truth. And his attitude was hostile towards me before he realised that I knew the truth and that is the thing that I can't forgive...the fact that in spite of everything he still insists on blaming me. And I now know (and my conscience is quite clear) that it is not me who has the problem, but him. He just can't accept blame for anything, at all, ever, so the breakdown of our marriage will somehow in his mind be turned into my fault. I accept that and don't care anymore. I just want rid of him and the hurt that he keeps inflicting on me.This has been like a slow death for me till today, but now I feel that most of the hurt is over. The fatal wound has been inflicted. This may sound like a silly analogy but like a tree has to die in the autumn before it regenerates itself, I'm in January and the snowdrops are out and there is hope that the spring will eventually arrive and I will blossom again.It's like I was blinded by his dominant personality and couldn't see properly, but seeing our relationship through the rational eyes of strangers has given me insight into something that was flawed almost from the beginning.So, I have booked to see our counsellor to ask her advice now that my mind is made up, but she can't see me till a week on Friday. My husband is away this week on business, but what do we do when he gets back? What do people do???? What rights do i have? I still can't talk to friends, but I will soon. meanwhile, what do people do in this transision period between breakdown and lawyers? I suppose he has a right to come home again after his business trip even though I don't want him back and he is the guilty party? What are his rights? Could I insist he goes again maybe to his mother's? I am strong now but when he gets back he will persuade me that i am wrong because he is so dominant. I need to be here for the children, so know I have to face him. How do I tell him that it is over? what words? I am not the ranting and raving sort. Please give me your advice, it has been fantastic so far and many thanks for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): Hi poster
Followed your post from day 1 hoped you and hubby would make it as you both agreed to help, so sorry when other post came through that he let you down again I felt like posting right there and then saying get out now its not worth the hurt, anger and everything else that goes with it, but held my thoughts as each one of us has to make up our own minds but when he lies and lets you down time and time again you cna only take so much!
Glad other aunts have supported you and help you through it also supports others that r in same situation although everyone is diff (not really) but I just want to say, thinking of you I know how hard it is (been there) and my thoughts and best wishes are with you and others who are going through the same.
Chin Up
Mawh xxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTuatara, yet again you have got to the essenial factors....thank you so much. And thanks to you all,but also special thanks to ask older sister for that fantastic article on the single woman married man, which helped my understanding of 'her', which I so needed to have (no idea why now!)
I've moved on, and it is with very sincere thanks to you all that i've done it. What else can I say???? Just this, you have helped me to change my life for the better and you are very special people. My friends in the UK will take over from where you left off now and now I've begun to tell one or two people because the decision has been made. With much love from a happier person in England. xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): Hi there hun! Well done! The others have given you great advice and your lawyer should be able to guide you carefully with the next steps. I would check on anything you consider doing at the moment, with your lawyer.
In my experiance, divorce and seperation will generally run smoothly, if tempers and personal grievances are kept to a minimum! In other words, don't be too much of a bitch!
You will feel better if you apply reason and logic to any settlement and not simply want pay back. This is his payback!
Anyway honey, your awesome for not taking his crap any longer. When he was originally caught out in this affair, he had his options on saving your marriage. You are correct that his actions did not say the same thing. So good on you.
Let him sort his own mess out now - particularly where the accommodation is concerned. He should go to his mothers, it is in my opinion, inapproprate now for your two to share a house. He should move out, which is what he did with the relationship, you stay there until the divorce is settled. This also makes the shit face his friends, family and work collegues with the news that he has stuffed up his marriage. So let him face the music, and you start making some future plans and dreams for your new life, which I have a feeling will be pretty good! Your a strong gutsy women, with a good head on your shoulders and this will not stop your flow!
I wish you all the very best and congradulate you on kicking him to the curb! Good luck - Hey become an Aunt!
Cheers
Tuatara
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again to you all for this helpful advice. And yes, Tuatara I am the same person. He wasn't working very hard on the marriage by going off to see her was he? For me that was the deciding factor. If he really wanted me then he would have broken off contact by now and I just can't keep on checking on him anymore, it's too time consuming and heart-breaking. I've got loads or documented evidence, and have a good solicitor to talk to. I just feel relieved now that the decision is made.I'm sorry that I can't report a happy ending.
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female
reader, red1982 +, writes (26 February 2008):
Before you tell him that you want a divorce go and see a solicitor and talk to them about what you need to do. What evidence of his affair, etc.
Once you have told him that you want a divorce then his guard will be up and you won't be able to gather the evidence you need. You don't want it to be just your word against his because it is really hard to prove, especially as he is controlling and has already shown you that he is a good liar and manipulator.
You need to try to be one step ahead.
He will probably expect you to be a complete walk over, whereas you expect him to be devious so you have the upper hand already.
From what I've seen of my friends divorces from men like your husband is that they don't fight fair, and they deny everything so seek legal help from day one.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (26 February 2008):
 Tell him , you want a divorce and you will go and see a lawyer or better still to go together to the lawyer's office .
If he does not want to go with you, it is no problem.You can sign first and ask him to sign later.
If it is a mutual divorce, you may have to wait 2 years to proceed your case unless you have evidence of his adulterous affairs.
Your lawyer will advise you on the course of action to take.After 5 years , you don't need his consent for divorce.
You need to mutually agree on the division of properties and custody of children because the lawyer will ask you that.
You will need to be civil and work things out with him.
When it comes to this stage, the man may wake up and may try to compromise with you . It will be your decision whether you want to go ahead or give him another chance.
Good Luck to you .
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (26 February 2008):
 Well, he does have a right to live in the house but I don't think that is going to work. So yes, when he comes home, give him a few days (for sure ask you lawyer and don't do anything until you talk to her!) and then tell him he must move out of the house whilst this is being settled.
Then you calmly tell him that a) you have made it clear that you were unhappy b) you have tried to make things work c) you just can not continue on and that you would like a divorce. Be prepared for him to rant and rave and be angry. Make sure none of the kids (if there are any) are around when you tell him and make sure someone you know is sort of on deck. IE: They know you''re telling him, the time, etc and then you must check in with them when you are finished or else they come to see that everything is ok with you. You just never know what some people are capable of. But like I said, your lawyer may want you to wait until she files a motion or something.
And just thinking out loud here but how 'bout he made his bed and now he should just go lay in it. You know, can't he just have one big affair during the transition?
For me, we were civil and we both stayed in the house for 30 days but it got really hard for him because he didn't want the divorce. He ended up moving out of the house into an apartment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): Hi there,
Are you the lady who's husband was in love with his affair but still saying he was working on the marriage?
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