A
female
age
41-50,
*ella555
writes:As the title states, I'm in deep over my head. I met and got into an intense relationship with a great guy last year, one which he broke off with claims of needing time to heal from the relationship he was in before us. Though we were only involved for about five months (we'd known each other for nine months by then), he'd already proposed and I'd accepted--I was thrilled, not only because we would marry, but because I'd found my soul mate. Well, perhaps I got complacent, careless, or worse still, dazed by my own good fortune and happiness, and I made SLEW of rookie mistakes. The first big one was not keeping the element of "chase" high, or at least present--I believed because we are mature adults, obviously in love, and already talking marriage, that we didn't need to engage (no pun intended) in such silliness. The second gigantic mistake was begging, pleading, and negotiating when he broke it off. The third was asking about our relationship status after the break, something that angered him. Then he stopped contact for four months. When we began talking again, I assumed he was interested to some degree, as he'd made sure to mention he hadn't seen anyone since me, and had pointed out his accomplishments in his update. We maintained sporadic (and painful, for me) contact for months until he flirted slightly, then a great deal, and...I...fell apart, confessing my enduring love for him. Rack up mistake number four. Number five is even worse. I went to his city (we live in separate states, a very long drive from each other) and attempted to reunite with him, which was a disaster that involved fighting, fooling around, crying and pleading. I did most of the crying and pleading, obviously. It goes without saying we are not back together.I have since found out he has started an online romance with another woman, someone he's been pursuing since he broke up with me. He has not been forthcoming about this at all; I found out in a roundabout fashion.Now, the inevitable question(s)...how can I make this right? By right, I would like another shot with him, though I've blown many opportunities in the past. Is there any hope to salvage or renew this relationship? Has anyone out there reunited with someone they love though the situation seemed as grim and hopeless as mine, or worse? If so, would you be willing to offer your advice or strategy?Thanks for reading. I'm at wit's end.
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female
reader, Bella555 +, writes (28 November 2010):
Bella555 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
I'm sorry for your pain too. It blows my mind the extent of the hurt this man has caused you; there's no way he should have had any expectation you'd alter your entire life for a relationship he didn't seem to value. I could see moving on if your relationship with your husband was over and beyond repair, and your new love seemed on board with that as well--I don't know the details of your situation, but I am sure ending your marriage was not a decision you took lightly. You must feel lost at this point, and I hope you have friends and family to whom you can turn for support. You were planning a new life and it evaporated in an instant, so please do your best to stay grounded every day.
I hope you are spending time with your daughter too--I am sure you miss her quite a bit.
As for me, interacting on this site is slowly helping me; there are a lot of empathetic people here, and I appreciate their points of view, probably more than they know. My soul mate may never return, and I will have to accept his absence and soldier on. I would like to think the mistakes and flaws of my situation were/are forgivable, and ultimately, they are. Perhaps someday resolution will be a reality, but until then, life must be lived.
I wish you all the best as you heal...my heart goes out to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): ella,Oh my! Your story sounds almost exactly like mine. The man I got involved with was someone from highschool. He found me on FB and we began talking. He told me that he was ending a very lengthy marriage. Before long, we had been talking for about 7 months. We lived in different States. He decided to come to my State and we met for a drink. We hadn't seen each other since 11th grade. We fell madly in love. We met numerous times in many different cities. Talked marriage and the rest of our lives together. We were meant to be together forever!His divorce was final 3 months later. He said he would move to my State after I got divorced. I filed and my husband moved out. This man came to visit my home after my husband and daughter moved out. He was supposed to stay for a week. My husband's Father died. While I was gone to the funeral, this man left. Never spoke to me again and refused all my calls. It's been 3 months and not a word. My heart's broken. I feel your pain.
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A
female
reader, Bella555 +, writes (24 November 2010):
Bella555 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your frank and heartfelt answers! I have just embarked on the "No Contact" approach, so to speak, as of nine days ago. In many ways, not responding to even the most cursory email is a challenge. Even in this short time, I have been afforded some difficult introspection about myself and the situation. I wish I had had the foresight not to act like such a fool, over and over again...
I missed so many warnings along the way. Someday, even if he never wants me again, I hope I have the chance to tell him what I've learned. Maybe he won't care, but I want him to know, some time far off in the future, that I don't entirely blame him and I take responsibility for my own idiocy.
To the first person who posted, I am so sorry you had such a horrendous experience with your ex fiance! Your pain must have been unreal. I am glad your life has turned out happily, and thanks for offering some faith in these dark days.
Despite my resolve to *try* and move on, I'd still love to hear about reunions in the face of adversity. Yes, there will always be a nugget of hope in my ridiculous heart that yearns for his return...and I know that may hinder me.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (23 November 2010):
 See this guy as one big life lesson and call it quits with this relationship. He seems to be moving on, getting involved with new relationships and he doesn't seem to be into you for anything other than the occasional hookup. The more you go running back, the weaker you become. Stand up for yourself, and don't go back to a guy who you continually plead and beg for love.
I think we've all had "this" guy, and you always look back and thank the Lord that it didn't work out and that all your pleading, begging and plans didn't take. So start building yourself up again, learn from the past and move on. Sorry, sweet thing! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): Draw a line under this relationship and move on. If for nothing else but your own sense of dignity and self respect. Go for the 'No Contact' option, don't ring, text, email, nothing. Keep yourself busy, see friends, anything to keep your mind occupied. It's not easy. But we've all been there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): Hi
I feel for you.I have 'been there , done that' If you EVER want a chance with him the best thing for you to do now is back off and let him realize what he has lost.It may already be too late, but at least you can save yourself in the process.It feels like the end of the world now, but eventually no matter how it turns out you will feel better about yourself because you still have self respect.My ex -fiance broke up with me in an emergency room while I miscarried our baby.I wanted to die.I made all the same mistakes as you and it pushed him farther and farther away.It turned out to be a blessing in disguise that he left.I am now married for the past 15 years with 6 children (not to my ex!) I cannot imagine if I had convinced him to stay.Life would be hell.Some prayers are not meant to be answered.Thank God!
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