A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I cheated on my fiance with his best friend Tim (also my friend) who is also married and his wife is one of my best friends, but to tell the truth I'm more worried about my friend's feelings than my fiance's, I guess that sounds bad, but I have cheated once before which he knows about and one day him, his best friend and I had a chance a few weeks ago and my fiance was ready to let me have sex with him in front of him and keeps telling him he can sleep with me (however, I think only if it were in front of him). At this time, I used my better judgment and was very strong. However, the 3 of us went out the other night, we all got wasted and my fiance fell asleep and my friend and I went inside and one thing lead to another, now I feel horrible and sick to my stomach, there are children involved and the worst part of all, is we are all neighbors and very close, we cannot say anything or it will ruin 4 people's lives, he did promise not to say anything, but since it was his 1st time, I'm not sure how he really feels after the fact and after it's sunk in, he really loves this girl but she doesn't ever have sex with him because she's always on in pain or some other problem (drugs, etc). I really want to talk to him alone and see if he plans on telling her after everything has sunk in or not and if he does (which I don't think he wants to and hope so as well) I'd like to ask him in private but we really don't get a chance alone, however, I can call him on his work phone, but I'd rather do it in person. I also thought about asking him if he does ever decide to tell her if he can at least please wait until they move or we move which should be in 6 months to a year. I know the whole situation is VERY WRONG and I MADE A BIG MISTAKE, but I can't take the guilt, it's so hard and I do realize being drunk is no excuse but if anyone can help, please, I need advice, I don't need to be criticized, believe me I know I made a big mistake and I have decided to quit drinking so I can no longer put myself in these situations. Thanks in advance for anyone's help.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (31 October 2007):
 He must have been real good to allow yourself to be placed in this situation. The most difficult part of these situations is taking responsibility for your actions. The only way for this guilt to disappear is to own up with your fiance. If there are consequences, I'd rather go through those than live with so much guilt weighing down on me. Gilt, like pain, if not dealt with it grows.
The only right thing is to come clean. It's hard, but has to be done.
good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Collaroy and Karlos Omnis, I appreciate your honest answers, will update soon.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): The only advice you are after is, how do I not get caught.
Not from me, I had friend like you, he is no longer a friend.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (29 October 2007):
 Hi,
I think that you are assuming that your neighbour suffers from the same level of guilt as you do.
Personally I can't see any reason why he would tell his wife, what would be the point? You may not be able to handle the guilt but I reckon most people would rather keep it to themselves than admit to their partners they cheated on them with their neighbour.
I think you are letting the guilt cloud your judgment; you see what will happen if this gets out, the shame, broken marriages, broken families and neighbourly trust shattered. In a way I think this is less about him and more about you, you know what you have done and are assuming that as he will be overcome by the same emotions you are going through. There's no reason to believe this is the case at all.
If you do get a chance to talk to him instead of saying selfish things like "at least wait to we move before you tell your wife" you should be saying, "it was a huge mistake I respect your wife and I would never want to see her hurt so we have to agree this will never happen again"
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Karlos Omnis  +, writes (29 October 2007):
 The only way you'll relieve the guilt will be if you confess.
You've done the crime, now you have to deal with the consequences.
You've lit the fire so you'll have to see if everything you and your fiancee has been reduced to ashes or if there's still something left to salvage.
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