A
female
age
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*osie333
writes:I'm a bright, successful woman dating a fellow with less education and world experience. We meet well on a spiritual and artistic level.The problem? Control. I try to dust, he is concerned about where the spiders will go. I put a log on the fire, he's taking over making small adjustments because the logs are orientated the "wrong" way. I put the kettle on for a cup of tea while he is sleeping in the morning, and he sulks because I used electricity instead of waiting for him to wake up, build a fire, and boil water on the woodstove.On the plus side, he's very sensitive, into improving himself (in small doses -- not too much at a time), very artistic, and again, we do connect in a spiritual way. But this control stuff is driving me nuts. He won't let me cook, clean, tidy up...it must sound like a dream to some, but when it's because he thinks I'm not doing it "right", the dream becomes a nightmare. On the big stuff I don't feel controlled (career), but on so many little things there is a stranglehold.Is there ANY hope? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (30 October 2007):
 Hi again,
It's not unrealistic to expect him to meet you halfway, however the problem will be not if he thinks its realistic but whether he is actually able to modify his behaviour in the first place.
From what you say it looks like he has OCD. I don't think this is easily overcome without professional help.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, rosie333 +, writes (30 October 2007):
rosie333 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suppose the real question is, is it realistic to think that he might come to appreciate just how difficult it is for me and show some appreciation for that? And that I might be able to gain some breathing space in a few areas? I'm not expecting he'll stop his behaviors -- I'd just like things to be more liveable.
And reassurance that I'm not being unreasonable by cleaning windows. Thanks, everyone -- the idea to journal is a really good one, and putting a time frame on it. And suggesting counseling.
By the way, he's my age (early 40s) and not really had a serious relationship before...he's dealt with this by being alone and being very much his parent's child, even living in their house until about 3 years ago.
Thanks again...
Rosie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): Hi - my husband has behaved in a similar fashion for 12 years and I have to say I've had enough and I'm planning to leave him because its just ground me down. I will give you examples (as I know sometimes you think its just you over reacting or being sensitive or just plain old going mad!). The other day I was told off for putting too much water in the kettle to make a cup of tea (even though actually I wanted the remaining water for something else). Last week I made a vegetable stew and dumplings (which was a new dish for me to try) and apparently the dumplings were not crispy enough and I should have used a different hot pot. When I explained hot pots were expensive to buy he didn't believe me. We happened to walk by a cookshop in town and he said lets go in and look at the hot pots - lo and behold they were as I had described! I constantly have to prove myself. I have been criticised for not using the tumble dryer properly, for not doing his washing often enough and then conversely 'thrashing the washing machine to bits with over use'. Two days ago I asked him if he wanted some cheese in his sandwich and he said he didn't want cheese anymore. Last night I cooked pasta without cheese and he asked why there was no cheese on it. I could go on and on and on. Differently to you I have been criticised and unsupported in my various jobs which have really needed support at home as I was stressed and under pressure. Due to his undermining I left some of them. I tried a writing/journalism course by distance learning and he criticised what I wrote so I gave it up. As I write this my confidence is so low but I can tell you one thing for sure - he will not change. I have waited and tried. I have incurred the wrath for standing up to his comments and now I just absorb them. I go round the supermarket shopping for him and not me. I am unable to make good decisions. The strange thing is I can remember his father speaking to his mother in a very similar way particularly around cooking and the home so whether it is learnt or hereditary or what I have no idea but the point is it becomes unbearable and why should we tolerate it anyway? I say give it 6 months and keep a diary of your experiences - this will help you deal with it. Tell him how you feel and if nothing improves after 6 months get out and meet a man who allows you to be yourself. In the meantime you must increase your social network and potential support because I have no social life due to this bad marriage and hardly any friends and right now I wish so much I did.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): OCD, he can't help it and can't control the feelings he gets himself! you need to tell him to get help, this is the only way he's going to improve. I have a mild case of OCD and it's hard to control urges to do things sometimes.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (30 October 2007):
Hi,
when you ask is there any hope? If you are referring to him suddenly losing is OCD issues I think not. You have the boyfriend who is sensitive and artistic on the plus side and controlling on the negative side. If you think he will miraculously stop trying to control all the "little things" you will be waiting a long time, these sort of issues are built up over a sustained period of time, he isnt going to change just like that. I suspect he needs counselling.
It's driving you nuts now, that's not going to change unless you address it. Have a talk to him, suggest counselling, surely he's had relationships in the past where these issues have become problematic, if he won't address these problems then its up to you to decide if you can live with it.
Good luck
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