A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I had a disagreement a few months ago. It was about porn. I've tried to keep an open mind about it, but it torments the life out of me. I've tried to say "that's how men are, i shouldnt be so selfish" but it doesn't help. He promised he would get rid of his porn, because he said he loves me and doesnt want to hurt me. I found his DVDs again and broke down crying, as he had just watched one earlier this morning. I'm here every day yet he would rather watch the porn. I've lost weight and dress sexier for him, which he likes, but his porn habits are coming back. He was doing SO well and that gave me a good self-esteem boost. Now I'm depressed after seeing the filth. Was I right in scratching his DVDs up so he can't watch them? (I know some will say yes and others will say no--but we are a Christian couple and I feel porn has no place in a Christian relationship--i wish he felt the same)
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (16 July 2008):
 Good to see that it worked out!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWOW npsupport is wonderful!!! he has been so willing to stop and admitted he is addicted. this site has already given me so much more confidence in myself how i can help him as well as help myself not to be so judgemental. i can't wait to show him npsupport!!! thank u all for ur support!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): PS: Maybe you should keep npsupport.net handy in case he ever makes a mistake. He's willing to work with you, if he makes a mistake, please move on and forgive. Maybe some marriage guidance from a christian point of view might also help. Don't forget if you have any problems, please come back and update us here. I wish you every sucess in your marriage. Goodbye and good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): Great a negotiated compromise, and porn goes in the bin. I wish you and your husband good luck in your fight against this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe sat down and talked 2 days ago. surprisingly, he was not at all upset about the scratching of the DVDs. he said i had every right to be angry and to do so after he told me a couple months back that he would stop. i offered to pay for the damages, but he insisted that i need not worry about it (since that would be like ME paying for the porn) we have reached a fair and reasonable compromisation that makes both of us happy.we are both still just as lovey dovey (if not more) than before. we did not argue, although the conversation did get a little heated. we got it all out in the open--he promised to work even harder to stop, and i promised to not hide my feelings when something is bothering me to where it comes out in the way of damaging something that does not belong to me. basically, communication is what it all boils down to
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): Please don't feel jealous or insecure, envy and jealousy are also sins according to your lord.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): I agree with you oldfool about being pro-tolerance but maybe this lady and her husband can reach a compromise. I do think that this couple religious beliefs, which are important to this lady play a large part in the solution. Bearing in mind I believe that most men look at porn, and it's something that they feel comfortable doing, you are right to remind him that he has made other promises and porn has no place in your Christian marriage.
Again why can't you and your husband compromise. As AskOlderSis suggests, is there somebody in the church that can help you with this. According to your beliefs, I understand that you may think that looking a porn is equivalent to adultery and that might be your belief. Your husband is a Christian, is he supposed to believe this too. I suggest you use your bible as your guide. Although there seems to be no writing about the issue of porn there is many passages about adultery. Can you use the bible to guide and help you in this issue.
Due to your religious beliefs I think you do have the right to suggest (suggest not destroy) that porn be removed from the house. But you must compromise. If he gets more porn, then just ask him to remove it again. No need to argue, to feel hurt or get upset. He likes porn and sometimes he will revert to type. He's not wrong, he's not bad, he's not a liar. He's just a human man. According to christian belief men and women are made different, and thus you must expect sometimes that he will revert to being a human man and sometimes look at porn. He has no sin because his belief in Jesus has cleansed him, so he can not be blamed.
But as far as I remember there a rules about the correct conduct in marriage according to the bible. You have no right to destroy your husbands property. Indeed it seems you have very few rights at all. Your husband is the head of the house, you married him, you have to submit and obey all of his laws. You and your husband are two people made one. You need to work on all your problems together and be in harmony.
Unfortunately according to Christian laws you should put up with this because it is a sin to divorce. You are also not allowed to use contraception and sex for both of you is merely for procreation.
Religion can be used for many causes and you can use it to support yours. Ask for him to remove the porn and then submit to him in all ways. Have sex with him, whenever, however, and wherever he wants it. Make him your king and worship him. Love him with all your heart and forgive him when he trips up and looks again. There can be compromise in this situation and maybe if you give him something he likes and make him feel good, he may remove porn from your sight and you can have a Christian marriage and a Christian home. Please don't make your marriage a battlefield, because I don't thing anger and hurt is the Christian way. Good luck, blessings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): I agree with you oldfool about being pro-tolerance but maybe this lady and her husband can reach a compromise. I do think that this couple religious beliefs, which are important to this lady play a large part in the solution. Bearing in mind I believe that most men look at porn, and it's something that they feel comfortable doing, you are right to remind him that he has made other promises and porn has no place in your Christian marriage.
Again why can't you and your husband compromise. As AskOlderSis suggests, is there somebody in the church that can help you with this. According to your beliefs, I understand that you may think that looking a porn is equivalent to adultery and that might be your belief. Your husband is a Christian, is he supposed to believe this too. I suggest you use your bible as your guide. Although there seems to be no writing about the issue of porn there is many passages about adultery. Can you use the bible to guide and help you in this issue.
Due to your religious beliefs I think you do have the right to suggest (suggest not destroy) that porn be removed from the house. But you must compromise. If he gets more porn, then just ask him to remove it again. No need to argue, to feel hurt or get upset. He likes porn and sometimes he will revert to type. He's not wrong, he's not bad, he's not a liar. He's just a human man. According to christian belief men and women are made different, and thus you must expect sometimes that he will revert to being a human man and sometimes look at porn. He has no sin because his belief in Jesus has cleansed him, so he can not be blamed.
But as far as I remember there a rules about the correct conduct in marriage according to the bible. You have no right to destroy your husbands property. Indeed it seems you have very few rights at all. Your husband is the head of the house, you married him, you have to submit and obey all of his laws. You and your husband are two people made one. You need to work on all your problems together and be in harmony.
Unfortunately according to Christian laws you should put up with this because it is a sin to divorce. You are also not allowed to use contraception and sex for both of you is merely for procreation.
Religion can be used for many causes and you can use it to support yours. Ask for him to remove the porn and then submit to him in all ways. Have sex with him, whenever, however, and wherever he wants it. Make him your king and worship him. Love him with all your heart and forgive him when he trips up and looks again. There can be compromise in this situation and maybe if you give him something he likes and make him feel good, he may remove porn from your sight and you can have a Christian marriage and a Christian home. Please don't make your marriage a battlefield, because I don't thing anger and hurt is the Christian way. Good luck, blessings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): I am not going to say any more than what I said in my first post, but I just wanted to say that I agree with both lotus mama and oldfool completely. It does appear that lotus mama's husband’s habit is bordering on an addiction. Since she is not against porn and actually likes watching, it does seem strange that he wants to be secretive about it. Perhaps it is because he is a bit embarrassed about how much he watches it and is afraid that she will be upset about the amount of time he spends watching. If this is the case, it would indicate that he thinks that he has an addiction. That should make it easier for them to talk about it and solve this problem. I know that I used to feel a little embarrassed about watching it back when I watched it 1 or 2 hours a day at night, even though my wife was fine with it. I guess I subconsciously thought it was too much. My normal viewing has always been 30 minutes 3 or 4 days a week, many times with her.
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male
reader, oldfool +, writes (14 July 2008):
Incidentally, in this case it is obvious that there is no room for accommodation between the OP and her boyfriend. Since it torments the life out of her, causes her to break down crying, and causes her to take extreme action like destroying her boyfriend's DVD collection, she is simply unable to accept any porn whatsoever in his life.
On the other hand, despite his wish to please his girlfriend, the boyfriend is unable to break his habit. (I am assuming it is not a "porn addiction", merely a liking for porn on some occasions. If it is a porn addiction, then the situation is quite different and the OP should not be expected to accept it)
In this case it is quite clear that there is no common ground and no possibility of the relationship continuing for very much longer.
Incidentally, I would class Lotusmama's husband's porn habits as verging on addiction. That is because of the desire for secrecy, which means that her husband is trying to create a sexual space separate from his wife. Perhaps some men need this sexual space in order to preserve a good sexual relationship with their partner, but it obviously causes distress to Lotusmama, who is not "anti-porn", merely "anti-secrecy".
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reader, oldfool +, writes (14 July 2008):
I don't think this is a pro-porn board. The people here try to avoid extremes.
* One extreme is represented by women like marieclaire with their implacable hatred of porn in any form or in any circumstances.
* The other is the phenomenon of porn addiction, where men are so obsessed by porn that it affects their ability to relate sexually and emotionally to their partner.
Most of the aunts on this forum are opposed to BOTH extremes. Nobody defends porn addiction, but neither are people particularly sympathetic to the zero tolerance that some women have for porn. In most cases the counsel is to try and reach an accommodation between the two partners, and failing that, to break up.
I don't see how this is "pro-porn". It is about trying to bring the two parties closer together so that the relationship can continue.
Unfortunately, in a lot of these cases, the hard-line anti-porn attitude is that the man has to totally eliminate his porn-viewing habits to satisfy the woman. Usually this doesn't happen, leaving the woman distressed and accusing the man of dishonesty. There is no alternative but to break up when things reach this pass, and that is what most aunts here will advise at that point.
Before letting things get to this point, however, most aunts will try to convince the woman to be a little more tolerant of her man's (moderate) porn usage. If she can get her mind around the fact that porn is not a threat to her, there is a possibility that the relationship can be saved. If she can't accept this, the relationship is doomed and better broken off.
This is realistic counselling and is not "pro-porn". It is better described as "pro-tolerance". Without tolerance and accommodation there is no room for the relationship to continue.
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female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (14 July 2008):
 Hey. I know what you are feeling. Suuucks. Seriously, I always felt that there comes a point where a couple needs to be considerate of eachothers feelings, wether the other agrees with them or not. My husband and I are still trying to find our common ground here, we both love porn, yet he refuses to watch it with me, secretly spends our money on it, and takes time away from me to watch (and partake) in it. I have a very healthy sexual appetite, and am ready and willing to fulfill his needs, so at this point, I'm seeing it as an addiction, and I feel that through the years, I have been very trustworthy, and can say with a clean concience that I have never hid anything from him. If he didnt like something I was doing, I made sure to explain why I was doing it, and discontinue straight away. This is what I call an imbalance. We are a great couple, and this issue is the only issue that causes friction between us. I am pro porn, and even though he feels accustumed to watching (and partaking) it in secret, I feel it is something we can share, or if I am not available to do the deed for him, I would completely understand if he watched (and partaked) in it without me. I do NOT disrespect him, or his things (even though I paid for the porn without consenting). I am just a little more, well, selfish. I am not talking "go out and cheat", or "flirt with everyone when he is around", but he would always vibed me when I tell him I would like to go to a concert or something (as it is really not his cup of tea). Now, I go whenever I can, and with a clear concience. I don't feel guilty, in fact, I see it as allowing him to have his "private time". I am still very faithful. If he wont compramise his habit because it makes you feel bad, then you need to compramise the way you handle it. The other aunts and uncles are right as far as you having options. Just for the record, I am not by any means insecure. I don't think my husband will cheat on me, and I don't compare myself to the porn stars. To me, they are like cartoon characters. MAKE BELIEVE. I get upset because my partner hides things from me, and won't try to compromise it a little to spare my feelings. Sometimes, the "insecurity card" cannot be played in this situation. Guess it's all in how you look at it. I tell you all this so that maybe it can put your situation in perspective. -and you'll notice that religiom has nothing to do with it, never has, never will;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): The anti-porn crowd acts sort of like how the pro-life/anti-abortion crowd works.
If you're not in favor of banning something, then the anti-crowd says you're supporting it. There's no room in their idealogy for anything in between the two extremes. Anyone failing to come out strongly against the issue must be another no-good covert supporter of it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): You were wrong in destroying his property, if you act crazy he will see you as such. Yes, this is a porn friendly board. There is no advice here on how to handle these feelings, you are better off going to npsupport.net There you will find men and women that understand this plague let loose on our society called Pornography!
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female
reader, Tigger3165 +, writes (13 July 2008):
 i don't think it was good to destroy his property... watching porn is his decision... you have no right to change his mind for him... and there seems to be a trend... the more you say you don't want him watching it, the naughtier and more exiting it will become, and the more he will want to watch it
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): hi
sorry you are so upset, i dont really know the answer about the porn.
but you are talking certain values here, you said there is no place for porn in a christian relationship. would your boyfriend not be in his right, to say to you that there is no room in a christian relationshipfor destroying other people's property as this would also not be a very christian thing to do? i don't want to sound harsh, i just want you to think a little deeper about how you are dealing with this issue,because if you are using these values in your relationship and telling your boyfriend to live by these values then should you too live by the same values and not destroy his belongings? you can not have rules for one and bend them to suit you. i wish you luck and hope things work out but if this is making you feel so bad then you may have to let him go and you find someone who you are more suited, we can not change others but we can change how we feel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): I think "troubled toomuch" gave you an excellent answer; well done "uncle"; not much I can add to that;
I think you must be very carefull not to allow religion to justify your actions;
I suggest you do some "stock taking" "introspection"; why did you damage his DVD's? Could it be that you are feeling jealous or insecure?
I am not here to judge; I am trying to help you to get a perspective;
Best wishes and lots of SMILES from me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): First of all, this is not a PRO PORN forum. This is a forum where most of the aunts have the ability to listen, think and advise, mostly with a well thought out response. Most of the aunts also have the intelligence to know that relationships are about compromise and not about control of one person over the other. If compromise is not present in a relationship than it is time to end that relationship. If one of the partners needs to control the other person in the relationship then hopefully they are intelligent enough to know that unhappiness in one partner is a recipe for a realtionship failure.
OP, you said that he watched porn earlier this morning. Did that cause him to ignore you? If so, then you need to talk to him about this, as ignoring you is a problem. If he watched it when you were out or doing something else, then you have to realize that he has a right to do this. If it hurts his affection for you then it is his problem. If it does not interfere with his affection and love for you then this is your problem.
You were wrong to destroy his collection of DVDs. They are not your property. You want to control him. Controling a person is the start of the downfall of a relationship. Occasionally a person wants to be controlled to assist in something that they don't really want to do and and are afraid that they will do it again, but this is rare. I have only seen this once in my lifetime.
You have a choice. Either compromise with him on this subject or leave him. You may be able to destroy his porn for a while, but eventually he will tire of it and leave you anyway. No relationship can be a happy one when one or both partners wants to control the other and is not willing to compromise on their differences. That ability to compromise is what kept my wife and I very happy together for at least 95% of the time in our 29 years together. No relationship is perfect, but an understanding one has the best chance of happiness. Compromising or leaving are the only 2 reasonable answers to this problem. Control is an answer, but a very poor one in my opinion.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): If he's choosing porn over you then thats a massive problem, maybe he's addicted to it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): Who the hell said "Thou shalt not watch porn"? C'mon, don't drag religion into it. I'm certainly not saying what he's doing is right, quite the opposite but only for what it's doing to you, not for any moral or religious reasons.
He does actually seem a little immature inasmuch as he is fascinated by what he's watching, when he could be having so much more fun with you in the real world.
Destroying his dvd's won't destroy his longing to watch them I'm afraid so, ultimatum time - porn or me? Then start looking for a new b/f who appreciates YOU.
Good luck.
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