A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've recently (2 weeks ago) left my husband for the 5th time due to his drinking habits. The other times I have left him he has always cried and begged to have me back. This time he acts as if it doesn't bother him. Could this be because he's gotten used to me leaving and coming back or could he finally be letting go? And if that's what I want, then why does it bother me so much that he's not falling a part this time? Am I being selfish or is this a normal reaction? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, leanne.od  +, writes (21 September 2007):
 he thinks that its not for real and quite understandably really. you can't leave him and then return because you're giving an alcohol depndant man reason to keep drinking, if he needs one, because you get upset, leave him, he gets down, drinks even more and then you come back and cycle begins again.
he needs to get help and he can't do that whilst you're in a unhappy marriage.
i think the kindest thing you can do is to leave, and mean it.
good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your replies. And you're all right, sometimes it takes an outside option (even though I am old enough to know whats best) to face reality. I think the hardest thing for me to face is that he doesn't care enough about me and the kids (or even himself for that matter) to make that change. We have 7 years of history and it's hard to throw it all away. He used to be so sweet and sincere and romantic and over the past 2 years he has become controlling, selfish and bitter toward me and that's a hard pill to swallow. I know that I'm a good woman, I take care of my kids, I work, I cook and clean. Even when we were together I did/do everything for them, physically and monetarily. His only obligation was our rent payment which over time has become delinquent by over $7000.00, and SOME of the utilities. I pay for my own car payment, insurance, daycare, etc. Yes I work, but that's a lot to pay when I'm only making $14.00 p/h. Anyway, I would think that would be enough for a change, but I've learned that an alcoholic needs to want to change for themselves. Thank you all again for your advice. I certainly welcome any additional comments you may have to share. Much Love!
...............................
A
female
reader, travelgal +, writes (21 September 2007):
 Divorce is your answer, or at least a very long seperation. Why did you bother going back to an alcoholic even once? Of course he's not going to be upset; he knows you're going to coming back to him. Do you really enjoy living with his drinking habits, rages and quarrels? Don't use kids as an excuse- they don't deserve to have a drunkard father and an unstable mother- they deserve to have stable parents, even if it's just one, because one stable parents is better than zero, which seems like what they would be getting now (given that you have kids).Please use your sense and don't return to him, you deserve someone striving to be their best for you and for themselves.
...............................
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (21 September 2007):
 He is an addict. You are looking for rational behaviors from an addict and that is going to cause you pain.
I think that even if he calls begging, etc...do not take him back. If you take him back, you are just as guilty for the drama in the relationship, as he is for not dealing with his addiction.
Take time away from him, and heal. No more drama.
-Frank B Kermit
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 September 2007):
 You're not being selfish, well maybe in a way. You left the first and then the second and the third and the fourth time. I think by the fifth time of leaving you would really begin loosing your credibility regarding your intentions. It's repetitive behavior. You're teaching him the beginning and the end every time you leave, and return. You're also teaching him no matter what his behavior is, you'll come back. So if she's going to come right back, why change?
It drives you nuts that he chose not to fall into the same response to your leaving. You've taught yourself the beginning and the end as well. To you it looks as if he could really care less. That may be true. Can't say, I don't know him, but it can also be true that he's throwing you off track and trying to get a point across. Everyone has a limit to where this sort of (game) no longer is cute or fun to play.
You need to get strong when dealing with him. People react best when they know there really is a consequence to their actions, and that it's not just a broken record that keeps repeating over and over again. You're old enough to remember those, before they developed the automatic return at the end of the record, having to pick up the needle and move it yourself. That noise, I know I couldn't sit and listen to it for very long, before I had to walk over and stop it. That may be what he is doing here.
Take care.
...............................
|
