A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my boyfriend for 9 months and we are soo close. Ive never felt so strongly towards someone and i'm extremely glad i'm with him. And he tells me he feels the same. But ages ago, when me and him were together for about 4 months, I cheated on him. It was the worst thing I could ever do to him and afterwards I was so upset that I could do that. I never told him because he always said to me that if I ever cheated on him it would be over. I thought it would be fine because the guilt started to fade after a while. But recently the horrible feeling of regret has started to creep back. And I always think about it and get upset, I hate feeling like this but I cant tell him because I can't not be with him! What should i do?? Any help would be nice! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Mrs. Mom  +, writes (20 February 2009):
 Of course you can not be with him. If you're going to deal with things like cheating, you have to try to be realistic about your own strengths and weaknesses and those of your mate, so don't start out with unrealistic statements like "I can't not be with him."
You want to stay with him, if possible, and that's a good enough starting point.
Now, the question is, do you think you can build a long-term relationship with him based on the fact of having cheated and knowing it's something he deplores? If the answer is yes, then I suggest you just stay quiet. But if you're in doubt about whether you can go on like that, you'd better just tell him as soon as possible and give the relationship time to recover at this relatively early stage.
A
female
reader, shiraz * +, writes (20 February 2009):
hiyah, its a really bad situation and you can go two ways but the one can be so damaging and although it would be all out in the open, it could really hurt him after so long it could wreck all you have... and for what? yeah you conscience would be clear but youd lose what you have now. this feeling wont go away so you need to decide and its bloody awful hanging your future in the balance for your past to come out but its something you need to do in order to go forward. you know youve done wrong and everyone makes mistakes, some are unforgivable but it will only get worse when you look at him it will be on your mind eating away at you, you cant live like that, you cant carry on the relationship with a lie like that. It will come back to haunt you and this is just the start. i understand why hes so adament it would be over if you cheated did he recently say that? i dont think so, youve been with him for so long and during that time have probably been through a lot feelings change and he could be forgiving if you come clean but its such a risk. part of me is saying you have to be honest its the right thing to do and the other side of me is saying leave the past in the past it whats already happened will only hurt him. why was it if you fell so deeply for him you cheated? infact forget that, if you start questioning the past itll never go away. see thats the thing the past never goes away, im not really helping you at all i just read your post and i really get how your feeling and how difficult it is but just imagine him, hes so unaware hes so happy with what you have, im so two sided on this!you have to decide and stick to it, you say you cant tell him but this is hurting you- it will only get worse. its not really advice but if your true to yourself the truth will reveal itself i know that sounds like crap but looking at it, it makes sense. im sorry ive rambled on and hardly helped you in any way. its a hard one, only you can decide, its you that has to live with it. if you love him enough then he needs to know, you cant do that to a person and five years down the line expect forgiveness itll never happen, you wont make five years you wont make a year if this carries on your mind wont let it. you do love him and he loves you, id its strong enough to survive this than you can get through anything. i honestly hope it works out or you- seriously just be honest not just for him but for yourself. xxx
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A
male
reader, scifi_aaron +, writes (20 February 2009):
If you tell him you need to make sure he stays like begging and making sure he knows you are sorry, you probably are thinking about it and in turn getting obsessed with it, where it is almost taking over your mind, you could just ignore it for now, but if you want to be with him forever I think he should know at some point before marriage, just saying..
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