A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My best friend of a year terminated our friendship this week. I don't know what to do. I'm in a mess.This is the situation: We've been friends a year. He's a gay guy I'm a female "Grace". My gay friend I will call 'Will'. We hit it off immediately as friends. He instigated the friendship at the beginning and pursued me all the time. I knew he was gay from the beginning and I tried to set him up with other gay guys I knew. After 6 months of hanging out, my feelings grew for him, as he was flirting with me, saying we made a great couple, we should live together, he wanted to sleep with me etc. However, when I reciprocated, he said he was gay and wasn't interested. We still were good friends. Then a hot girl 'Lindsay' started moved in his apartment building and they started hanging out, he was flirting with her, she has a boyfriend. He knew this. He'd be fondling her in front of me, she was loving it. He laughed at all her jokes and they appeared close. When I asked him about her, he said it was not serious with her, and it wouldn't get anywhere as he was gay. I was jealous of his flirting with other girls as he is flirty and extrovert.He flirts with lots of girls and has lots of girls as friends which he says is because he is gay.I am not jealous of anything he does with guys and I'm supportive of his gay relationships.Anyway, I set him up with a gay work friend of mine ("John Doe") but nothing was happening they were just friends. I spoke to John Doe about where their relationship was heading as my gay friend was telling me he was concerned about how nothing was happening. John said that he wanted to be just friends with Will, he liked Will but John Doe didn't really want to have a relationship with Will and that Will wouldn't be able to handle a one night stand, it could get messy etc. Anyway, I told Will this to help him out. I repeated exactly what John Doe had told me and I told Will to wait it out in the hope that John changed his mind, convince John he could handle a one night stand, or move on find some new guy.Everything was great.Next thing I know is that I get an email from Will saying he wanted to end my friendship as I was a backstabber and everything I had said about John Doe was a lie (I'm confused I told the truth) as he had spoken to John Doe about what I said.Will's email to me was awful. He accused me of being a liar, and also lying about Lindsay (again all I said was my opinion of her, I thought she was flakey, a flirt and not nice). Will told me not to contact him ever again and our friendship was over. He was mad as hell, he said he would never forgive me and he didn't want to hear any explanations.I'm devastated. I'm respecting his wishes not to contact him, even though I want to explain my side. We have a lot of mutual friends.What do I tell people if they ask about him as they know we were close? A mutual friend is staying with him for a visit next week - do I tell her the story? try and let her say something to him? [That I told the truth].I also have a present for him that I was going to give him before his email. Do I mail it on to him? With a note saying it was done before his email? What do I say to John Doe? I want to keep friendly with work colleagues as I might go back there to work.How about our mutual friends? Do I tell them? Do you think Will has said anything to them? What do I say when they ask about him? Do you think we will ever be friends again? All this happened in the last few days. Lindsay is clearly loving this and has had her 2cents worth. Other females are queueing up to fill the gap of our great friendship. Another female friend has already arranged to go away on a weekend with him (just as friends). I was very popular in our big group of friends. Do I tell people? I can't stand gossip. Before when I said I liked him, it went round everywhere like wildfire.Currently I'm devastated - what do I do? Armchair psychologists. Please help. Thanks. Apart from anything, I put in a huge amount of effort, time and money into this friendship with Will.
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best friend, flirt, has a boyfriend, jealous, liar, money, move on, moved in, one night stand, she has a boyfriend Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): Update: I mailed the present to him. I didn't want to keep it and it's up to him to throw it away. I'm worried that when he receives it, he'll show it to his friends mocking me since he said "don't contact me" (this is the only time I've contacted him and don't plan to again). Or since he has a reputation of being aggressive, he could call me with an abusive phone call (he's too penny-pinching to send it back to me) or he could maintain the stance he wanted in his original email. He's extremely stubborn.My friends have said he'll believe what he choses to believe. If that's the case there is nothing I can do about it and if he chose bitchy flirts he's known 5 minutes over my friendship over a long time where I was extremely generous, kind, supportive and helpful, then there is nothing much I can do about it.The only thing next I need to worry about is how I handle situations where I have to meet up with him due to mutual friends. I can't stand being phoney, I'd rather not turn up at all. Kind of "can't be in the same room as him". I think I will have to bring along a friend of mine as support.I also know he's told a female friend who's he's now being best friends with, so yeh, he's quick to line up replacements for me and he's told people he's finished the friendship, no doubt in a bitchy way and demanding sympathy.
A
male
reader, NightLad  +, writes (7 April 2009):
 Aw hun, at least it seems that these past few days have given you the down-time you needed to better sort out the situation. You seem like you have a handle on it, from your own perception at least. Of course there are things from Will’s (et al) point of view you may never fully understand or know, but that is something you are going to have to come to terms with in your own time. It will happen.Since your gift is handmade I hope it may break through to him how genuine you really are. Actions speak louder than words, and I’ve always considered hand-made gifts to be very profound. But even if he does not respond, I hope that the act of sending the gift can be the catharses you needed to bring a sense of closure.Not all investments pay off, but we rarely leave empty handed. You enjoyed yourself at the time and you have many good memories, even if the end-note was sour. Perhaps you will find that your ability to perceive dis-ingenuousness in others is a little more pronounced after this experience? If so, than in an ironic way you might even thank Will. Who knows? (I'm one of those awful people who look for silver linings. Please resist the urge to slap me! heh)If anything, I feel pity for Will. He may not ever realize what he threw away, nor what he has been left with. After all, common sense can’t be bought or taught!Take care, and all the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): thank you so much for your advice which made me cry.I'm very sociable and popular in my own right and I've been doing a good job of hiding my devastation, sadness and depression. Like I said, I was shocked as I assume my friends to last forever and I'd invested a lot into this friendship. If there is anything, it is me who is the popular one in the group and he tagged along as I'm seen as nice and he's seen as brash (although funny).I think I'll send this present, it is handmade and beautiful and I don't want to keep it hanging around my home.I haven't called my old work colleague as I think sometimes that can create more problems repairing the damage. I don't actually know what either one said either as I told Will the truth what John told me and prior to me telling them, both their stories matched: Will liked John, but John didn't want sex with him, just friendship, Will just seemed to want sex with him but didn't want friendship but was prepared to wait it out. There is obviously stuff I don't know. My advice to Will was to wait for John until he changed his mind or move on. Will obviously got impatient and called him up to ask for sex at which point John turned him down, Will must have said to John I said John could handle a one night stand with Will, John denied it. And I'm not sure if either are still friends or lovers. I wish it was so black and white as saying that he is a drama queen. He is gay and quite quiet, he's not fully out although he admits to females that he's gay. He's quite aggressive and outspoken which in the beginning I thought was cute since everyone else was so dull.He said he's gay repeatedly when I asked him as one time he was dirty dancing with Lindsay in a club, whenever he met up he was fondling her tits and ass. She was loving it. It isn't the first time he's done this in front of me with flirty women, which makes me think he's bisexual not gay. In any event, by defending her strongly (he's known her 2 seconds) over me who's proved myself to be a loyal and amazing friend (I got him his job, introduced him to friends, paid for stuff for him etc), and he chose to believe Lindsay and her bitchy friends over me, who's reliable and nice.That and an email which says he doesn't want to hear my explanations, never wants to hear from me again, and I'm a liar and backstabber I find shocking and horrifying. People describe me as lovely kind and funny. It worries me that he can so readily believe bitchy women and he's allowed himself to be manipulated by them.
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A
male
reader, NightLad +, writes (1 April 2009):
Hi there,
I feel really bad for you. We call guys like Will Drama Queens in the gay community, and personally I think of them like a pimple. At least from your description of him, especially the molesting girl’s part. A lot of these guys do it and it’s all about attention.
The reason Will attracts these type of girls as friends is because Like Attracts Like. Occasionally a genuine, nice person will find their way into the mix, but they usually end up getting hurt... as you’ve sadly found out first hand. The reason for this is because you are capable of being honest and open in a way people like Will and his crew can’t comprehend. When they are confronted with it, they recoil like a vampire from holy water. When you live your life surrounded by gossip and drama and superficial appearances, you develop an allergic reaction to truth.
You may have been mesmerized by Wills outgoing personality while you were friends with him. He was probably very loud, funny, attracted all kinds of people and being around him made you feel very popular in your own right; a life of the party, too. But now that you look back on your association with him, I’d bet that you can recognize darker aspects of it; talking trash about people, building himself up by tearing other people down, and of course the drama... drama drama drama.
Now you find yourself on the receiving end of it. I mean, seriously, how childish does it sound to tell somebody, “I think you are blah blah blah, and I’ll never forgive you, and I don’t want you to ever contact me again yada yada yada”? “Never contact me again”? Wow. I think that when most rational adults get upset with somebody they consider a good friend, they want to talk it out and work through it. Wouldn’t you agree?
You may have been friends with him for a long time, and invested a lot in the friendship, but if anything, this proves just what Will thought of the friendship. Clearly you two had a different opinion of what it meant. As you said, he already has replacements lining up around the block.
The fact that you have many mutual friends is unfortunate, but you need not feel like the one on the defensive. If they ask you about what happened, you don’t have to go into detail. In fact, I’d suggest the less said the better, because you can bet that it will eventually make its way back to Will and the last thing you need is a pissy queen banging on your door at 3am screaming, “why you talkin’ ‘bout me behind my back?!”
And as for the present... mail it to me! ;) But seriously, if it were me I’d hang it in a place of honour in my house to remind me to stay the hell away from people like Will. Any attempt to give it to him only reopens the door to him hurting you further. Is it really worth it? Give it some time. As you said, this only happened days ago. Unless the present is perishable, don’t fret over much about it right now. You are already dealing with enough.
“Eventually he will find this out for himself and if he really does chose to have friends who think cheating, endlessly bragging, being bitchy is no problem, and he's influenced by this, then he's not the friend for me.”
I’ve already touched on this point, but I think it bears repeating form your own lips. A-men! I truly believe that it is Will who owes YOU and apology. Let him contact you if/when he sees the light, and if he refuses to see it, than he is not the type of ‘friend’ you need anyway.
In closing, I sincerely ask that you not let your experience with Will colour your perception of the gay community in general. In the future go for the quiet bookish type of gay guys. We may not be as flashy, but we make just as good pets and we don’t bite! ;)
Stay strong hun.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): Thank you for all your advice. I don't plan to contact him as he requested. There are 3 issues:
1.
With John Doe - my ex-work colleague, I was planning to call him up as damage limitation since I realise now that John told me about Will in confidence (at the time, we were laughing and it was a casual conversation, I said I was meeting up with Will etc) Clearly John Doe was put on the spot and denied it.
So I was planning to call him up casually and mention that I'd spoken to Will and said John wanted to be friends etc that I didn't mean to breach any confidence etc. (I'm not sure I want to make too much a deal of this as it's doesn't look good that I breached a confidence - however at the time, John said nothing more than what Will had been telling me the same stuff for weeks, so there was no new information). I guess Will is hurt that John told me stuff in confidence, even though I was friends with John before I introduced John to Will. I guess no-one likes to think their lover trusts a work colleague more than them, especially when their work colleague happens also to be their best friend.
Because I plan to go back to work at John's workplace, I think I might avoid contacting him altogether as I don't want to flag up this incident. The next time I will meet for drinks with John could be in 6 months time, and I plan to go back to work there in a year. Hopefully John will have forgotten by then. How is the right way to handle John Doe?
2.
I have a present for Will that was bought before he exploded in a drama queen way. I have the strength of character not to contact him, even though I'm devastated. However the present is custom made and beautiful. I think I will send him a note saying it was made before the email, I'm not contacting him and once he finds out the truth he can contact me. Do you think that's right?
3. There is not a lot I can do with Will picking female friends who I consider selfish, flakey and not particularly nice. However I've learnt my lesson and I will keep my mouth shut in the future from match making and commenting on his friends. Eventually he will find this out for himself and if he really does chose to have friends who think cheating, endlessly bragging, being bitchy is no problem, and he's influenced by this, then he's not the friend for me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): Wow! What a situation. You remind me of myself. I, too, am a nice person and try to be real and honest with my friends. Occasionally, it does backfire and it feels horrible. I can truly empathize with how you're feeling. I have a couple of thoughts. As someone else suggested, I think you stay on the "high road" and not involve any of your mutual friends in the ordeal. You don't want to look back and regret your actions. I also think that you have the right to share your side of the story. You could even copy your question from this page and email it to him. Your words described the situation earnestly, making it very obvious that you care very much about " Will" and your friendship.Frankly, on the flip side, I find it alarming that he has been so quick to accuse you of "backstabbing" and to dump your friendship. Unfortunately, you may have learned that he is not the devoted friend you deserve. If I were you, I'd send him a meaningful email and, then, leave the ball in his court. Either way, you win by finding out what he's made of and moving forward. Hang in there! This awfullness will soon pass!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): This is a pretty sticky situation. I feel for you . I truly do! I have been in this situation before. There is some you can do, but not a whole lot, because in the end your friend will believe who he wants to believe. People who are jealous are good at lying and manipulating. They have this great way of getting their way because it is their only focus.If your friend you are as close as you believe then you need to explain your side of the story before you step out of the picture. A lot of his anger right now is the feeling of betrayal and confusion. He probably thinks he never truly knew you and feels a great loss at the friend he is losing. You care about him, that is clear. You need to ask him to hear you out for the sake and respect of your past friendship. If he still doesn't believe you that you are innocent and honest, then his friendship isn't worth having. You deserve better. If he doesn't want to at least try and amend things, then the friendship was as invested to him as it was to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): Thanks for your advice. It is for real. I'm respecting Will's wish for me not to contact him. I don't know the best way to handle John Doe the ex-work collegue. I introduced Will to John. Will said nothing had happened between them, but they were hanging out. When I spoke to John he said he wasn't into John, but he was a nice guy.Either I say nothing to John as sometimes making something a big deal, makes it become a big deal, or I call him up - what do I say? I have no idea what happened between them, apart from the fact John Doe denied what I told Will.How about a present I got for Will before this email. I was planning to send it to him and just say it was bought before his last email. What do I tell mutual friends? This happened only days ago.Any ideas? I'm a really nice person and I make friends for life. Do you think he'll come round years down the line once he realizes I told the truth?
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A
female
reader, Original shiraz!  +, writes (28 March 2009):
its ended bad and for a reason, you were so close for so long and when it gets nasty it gets really bad. i think hes accused you as hes taken the situation differently than it was intended, hes seeing you giving your opinions and talking about someone he obviously likes no matter what you think of her! so firstly i would avid this in the future, its good you have an opinion but when his is the oppisite they will clash so maybe the casual hint would of worked and he would of seen the real lindsay in the end, people dont like being told differently than what they see they have to work it out themselves or its just a dead end where what ever you say will sound bitter and twisted. i would leave it as how it is, maybe talk to the friend thats going to stay with him but dont put them in an arkward situation, its a mess that will take time to sort but he obviosly needs space right now and the more you give him the more likely ou are able to rebuild what you once had.Give him time, eventually itll all sink in but you cannot force someone to change how they feel especially as the wound is still healing, if i were you id keep my distance and the present? id either leave it completely (depending on if the situation changes) be normal with john he doesnt need to know the details. he may just see it as a thing that didnt work out so leave it at that. i certainly wouldnt go discussing it with mutual friends itll only make the situation worse when it gets back round to will, gossip is part of the main cause here and as youve said before you know what it can do so do all you can to avoid this. When they ask about it just say your not as close and you grew apart, mistakes were made and you regret it, again dont gointo detail i think will repects his privacy. i think only time will tell if you have a future, you cant rush what isnt yet there and this is still fresh inhis mind, the ball is in his court its not your descion to make just yet. Wait for him, he will see this for what it is in the end but right now give him what hes asked for his space. forget about lindsay! it really wont help your situation and youll never move forward! shes not important in this, a friendship has been lost thats the truth of it all and that should be your focus point not some girl who probably is like the rest of us underneath, scared and maybe alone, dont judge to soonits what gets you in this situation. he may well find other friendship but it doesnt mean hell ever forget you, you were so close and he cant erase that, the past will always be there nobody and nothing can change that. people put a lot into a friendsip, you gave you all and then lost it all, thats the risk, always loosing it. People make mistakes and you will come back from this. you will be upset for sometime, with every right too, right now you need support and its the one thing your not getting maybe will needs to take a closer look at his own actions and how hes been? people are quick to judge and happy to accuse, its hard for the ones on the recieveing end, you witness a different side to the person and you learn more about yourself. be strong for yourself and try and start enjoying life, its just the begining you havent lost it all, what was once there can come back like that wherther you will welcome it is a different story...take a look at it all i think the wrong person has been blamed you shouldnt be the devestated one here, you should be the strong one that bttles through it with your head held high, you did no wrong.sorry this was sooo long i hope ive helpped in some way. best of luck xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): Anon, is this question for real? I am suspicious. If it it is, then I must say you choose strange friends. It is fine to be friendly with gay people, but never, ever, get involved in their personal relationships. And your description of Will is of a "gay" guy who is not really gay, or maybe is bi. Either way, take the "break" as a lucky one for you and get shed of him and Lindsay both. She seems a bit flaky as well. It is not always smart to play matchmaker even with straight people. Never try to do it with gays. You are out of your arena. And since you work with "John", I would apologise for being a buttinski and try to resume the normal work friendship. And get out of the circus and meet some straight guys you can have a real relationship with, provided you want one....
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