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anonymous
writes: I am 20 and my boyfriend is 28. We get along really well and we have been dating for 8 months. My issue is, he has been engaged before, and has also lived with someone. He never told me that he was engaged or that he lived with someone. I found out from someone else. When I brought it up to him, he said he was embarrassed, that's why he didn't tell me. I know that was in his past, but it really bothers me. I have not been engaged nor have I lived with anyone. I felt that if we were going to get serious, as we are, that he would have told me.I love him a lot, but it hurts that I hear these things from someone else. He just keeps saying these issues were in his past and that they shouldn't affect us now. He treats me really well, and we have a lot of fun together. My parents have a hard time accepting him, first because of the age difference, but also because they hear negative things about his past dating also.The age difference doesn't bother me except when it comes to going to places, he has to make sure that I can get in, since I'm not 21 yet. He has also dated younger girls in the past, is this bad?I want to know if I should keep dating him, and hope that things will get better and he will tell me things in the future, or should I end things now? I love him a lot, and It will be hard to end things, but I don't want to get hurt.
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reader, purple_angel +, writes (3 June 2005):
Maybe he wants to keep these things in the past because he sees this as a new start and that he wants to leave all these bad memories and the gossiping behind him and buld up a new life for himself with you. On the other hand, maybe he hasn't changed at all and this is how it all starts. I think that if your having doubts then you should talk to him about it and dont be afraid to tell him how you feel, speak your mind and see what he says. The weigh up both arguments and make your descision, but remember it has to be your descision, not anyone elses. Good Luck
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reader, Wildberries +, writes (24 May 2005):
You are very young. Dating is fine, but do not rush into anything long term yet. As far as his past goes, yes, he can sit down and go into gory detail with you so that there are no surprises, but do you really want to know? Would it change the way you feel about him? Frankly the only thing you need to worry about in his past are a criminal record and children. Ex lovers/girlfreinds/live-ins/etc., are going to be there. He is 28. He has had time to amass a few of those...they only matter if you let them.
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reader, bluebird +, writes (15 May 2005):
Everyone has things in his or her past that they are ashamed of but that doesn't mean we can avoid them. Communication in a relationship is key and probably one of the most difficult things. If he is now willing to discuss his past, knowing how you feel, I would say you are fine. If he is still resistant or even unwilling, I think you need to consider leaving. Talking will not get easier the longer you are together or the deeper your relationship. If you don't learn to talk now you won't be able to if you were to marry. At the same time try to be patient with him. I am sure that the memories he has are painful and embarrassing. No one likes to admit when they have been wrong or hurt. Try not to be deffensive or get mad when he is telling you. He is right the past is in the past and only affects your relationship to the extent that you allow it. Listen to him and be his friend. But remember if he can't do this for your, as difficult as it would be, your best option would be to leave. And painful as it is to admit, good parents are rarely wrong so if you trust there oppion in other aspects of your life, it probably wouldn't hurt to listen to them now.
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