A
female
age
41-50,
*lacknWhite4
writes:Dear Cupid, Im at a loss of everything, I met a man about 6mths ago who completes me in everyway. A few weeks ago we started talking about moving in together and how exactly we were going to go about it with my kids Dads and us being 2 hours apart etc.... He then brings up the fact that I can no longer have children (I had my tubes tied years ago) and how he isnt sure if he can go the rest of his life not feeling the joy he felt the day his son was born. Im now feeling like there is no reason to continue making future plans because of this. He says he loves me, he says he wants to be with me, he says no one could ever replace me. My question is basically what do I do. I feel like Im letting the best thing thats ever happen to me (aside from my children) slip away. Ive been crying for days, I cant sleep Im forcing myself to eat, how do i stop this agony? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, BlacknWhite4 +, writes (5 May 2010):
BlacknWhite4 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell we have been talking about this issue, again he says his "emotions" say he wants to have more children. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but isnt dure if he can go without never feeling what he felt the 1st time he held his new born son. Now these things I understand. I also know the feeling of never holding one of my own new borns again also hurts, but what makes that better is knowing Ive got all the love and time they need from me. but how can I make him realize this too? He is in his mid 30s and Im not sure how to get him to see the big picture. Does he really want to have a baby at 40-45?? I just want him to think things thru, fully think, he wants his band, a house all thses other things that everyday people want, I just dont know how to have him see things in a bigger level. As far as me, Im done, I dont want anymore kids, I dont want anything to do with having a baby, adopting, anything of the sort. He has a 2yr old which is close enough to having a baby for me. I love kids I work qith them everyday. I just dont want anymore of my own.
A
female
reader, cnith +, writes (1 May 2010):
 But honey... you CAN become a father again... it's called adoption... surrogate moms... in vitro... SOOO many choices!! You are seeing this as too short of a problem.It's not like you're in menopause....and even THEN it's not an issue of can't...but how much. Look at that 65 yr old woman that gave birth a couple of years ago. Hormone treatments blah blah blah she's a mom again.Nothing's impossible now a days.I think the BIGGER issue is, do YOU want to have more kids? If not, tread slowly and carefully.Find out just how committed he is to the kid's idea. Maybe he wants a puppy (ie. something to take care of) or maybe he just wants to be needed or to feel like he's useful. Tell him to ponder on it and find out what's really going on. From my chair here, it sounds to me like it's *you* who has the issue, not him.Why? Because tying your tubes means no more kids. I bet you were looking forward to being 'done' with the kids and moving on with life doing the things you can't do with the kids around. Easier travel, nights alone, places to eat comfortably, more spa nights, ...whatever it is...If it's you who's been there done that and don't want to go there again I'd let him know. Then he can make a choice too. Does he really want kids again or does he want to be with you? Now for someone who's almost done I say, why would you want to start over?! But that's just me...Life is funny the things it throws at you. Don't take it too seriously and you'll be fine. By this I mean, don't sweat the small stuff. Focus on bigger pictures instead.
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A
female
reader, BlacknWhite4 +, writes (1 May 2010):
BlacknWhite4 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are taking time to think things thru, he says that his emotions say he wants more kids of his own, but his mind says its just impossable. Him being the age he is, personal goals etc. He says also after being with me that he truely cant see himself caring for and loving anyone else like he does me and obviously you have to care for someone a great deal to have children and etc. well the way he would want it. So Im not really sure whats going to happen. I know the bond we share doesnt come along evryday. From day one we have just clicked. To "move on" just seems unrealistic at this point. Ive been thru such messed up relationships full of lies and cheating alcohlics, abuse, you name it. To go from THAT to the wonderful person he is to me the respect and tenderness he has twards me. I just dont think I can. Yea wounds heal but to love someone the way I love him, again unrealistic.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 May 2010):
This is something he won't be able to let go, unless he can become more of a father to your kids his own kids and even if he's up for adoption. Realistically though, if he wants more of his own kids, this wont' work out. I think you both need to discuss this even more, because this wont' go away. Unless he can accept that while he's with you there will be no more kids, you'll have to move on.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 May 2010):
 You are right to slow down with plans until you have talked about that a bit more and decided how much of a problem this is gonna be.
Is this just a regret that he would have, a disappointment that can be compensate by deep mutual love, or is it the ultimate deal breaker for him ?
And how does he feel about adopting ?
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