A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need advice.Find myself in a situation of my own making, and not sure what to do or which direction to take next. The advice I've gotten from friends has been split down the middle and I don't completely agree with either side. I guess I'm trying to figure out if there's a happy medium, or which side I should be listening to.The situation itself is probably a total cliche. I moved to New York two years ago after living in another city for almost 8 years. While I knew a few people before moving here, I was leaving all of my close friends and a large social network behind. In other words, I got lonely pretty quickly.I was single when I moved up here, and looking forward to meeting new people. Within a month, I had met someone I was drawn to completely. I was actually trying NOT to get into a relationship of any kind, and he would kind of hold me at arm's distance, as well. We had a great time whenever we got together, and the physical chemistry is the strongest I've experienced. So, we ended up seeing each other regularly.6 months in, he sat me down one night and said he had to come clean about something. Had a 'spouse' that lived on the other side of the country. The gist of it all was "it's OK to continue seeing each other, but we shouldn't get attached". I left that night expecting never to hear from him again.But we continued...and even started introducing each other into our social networks in New York. We became better and better friends in the process.A year into it, he had made a career-based decision to stay in New York permanently. Around then, he started talking about how if his "spouse" was unwilling to relocate, they would have to break up. He also started dropping hints about wanting to be with me or "someone like" me if he were single in New York. By then, I'd gotten attached as a friend. I knew the situation was terrible for both of us, but made the choice to keep going with it.15 or 16 months in, life got complicated for both of us. I was at a professional and personal crossroads and a family member of his across the country was very ill. We started seeing each other a lot less, and trying to get together when he was back in town and I was free became almost an obligation. It was almost like one of us didn't want to be there every time we had the opportunity to get together.So things got re-assessed and a mutual decision of "friends with benefits" and someday "just friends" was pretty much agreed to as the place we were heading.Now it's two years in, and we're back to seeing each other every weekend that we're both in town. He has also become one of my closest friends and confidants.I value the friendship and want it to remain. Half of my friends insist I cut off all contact and move on...that I'm hung up on something that is not attainable and am fooling myself. The other half think I'm over analyzing and should have fun and not put expectations on anything. I'm stuck. And I recently realized that I'm comparing everyone I meet to him. Do I move on completely and cut off contact? Do I roll with it and try to keep looking elsewhere? Do I test the "strictly platonic" waters and risk not getting to see him as often? And finally, how the hell did I get myself into this!? I saw it coming the day he told me he was unavailable.How do I reverse the mistakes I've already made?
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male
reader, Moviefan +, writes (14 January 2008):
 Most i can say is move on, i was in a very similar situation except mine was diffrent in the sense she wasnt available was because she was with an abusive boyfriend who took advantage of her feelings. Well i tried to have something to do with her and get her to realize how bad she was being treated and how wrong it was. I succeded but now she wants nothing to do with me and seems distant because what i had to do to make her realize what she was doing and what he was doing was wrong was to do something that could make her hate me. Well i did it because i new it was the only way left to try to get her to figure it out. She barely talks to me now, even tho i helped her. Ive tried talking to her but most of the time she ignores me.
And in your case your dealing with someone who isnt avalaible and you still want to have something to do with him because you love him. But chances are he will never be fully available to you. The only way u can predict the future is by looking at the past. Your best intrest is to move on and find someone who will stay with you and make you happy, and one without this stress. So it will make you a lot happier then you are now. Trust me once i got out of my past relationship i feel a lot better and its only been a few days. And from what i can tell your best intrest is to cut off all contact because the more you have to do with himj the harder it will be to move on.
Hope i helped.
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