A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had been with my man for 2 years before we broke up and I went travelling for a year.. Got back a month ago and we've hung out for the entire weekend every weekend since I've been back and have been hooking up.. I still have feelings for him and I know he has feelings for me too, he has told me, but he is leaving in January to travel himself. We have said that we don't want to hold each other to getting back together when he gets back, because a lot can change- either of us may meet someone new or whatever. But I'm not sure if I am 100% confident that I want to get back with him again anyway.. I got so hurt the first time we broke up, that the idea of us getting back together/getting married and having kids etc and it not working out, scares me more than the idea of us not being together. I gave my heart up to him the first time and it ruined me, I'm scared to do it again. Now I've got my wall up and I don't want to let anyone in.. What to do?!
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (2 October 2014):
Hi there. It's not wise to start thinking too far ahead of right NOW.
Just enjoy each moment.
I am guessing the only reason you broke up in the first occasion, was because you had planned to travel.
And that is fair, as many things can change during that time.
And now the same thing is going to happen for him, and it's the sensible thing to do, to not expect the relationship to just continue and be "on hold" until he gets back.
Whatever is going to happen, will happen - for each of you - regardless of what you hope the future could be for you both.
And so just enjoy the time you have together now, and don't think about when he has to leave.
You still have all of October, November and December to enjoy each other's company, if that's what you end up doing.
You are already having doubts about wanting to have a serious future with him when he returns, and so that is a bit of an indicator that even now, your feelings are starting to change towards him.
Any doubt is always something to listen to, and NOT to dismiss.
Doubt is there for a reason, and that reason is to make you think about things a little more thoroughly - and that's a good thing.
It's possible that even HE has those very same doubts, himself.
He probably won't say anything to you for fear of hurting your feelings, and no doubt, you don't want to mention it either for the same reason.
However, in all relationships, honesty is the best policy.
Otherwise you are both living a lie.
Any doubts you are having, you really need to get it all out in the open - sooner, rather than later.
You have mentioned - hooking up - which indicates to me, that you are not really officially what you would call boyfriend and girlfriend, at the moment.
And so this tells me clearly, that something is standing in the way - or so it would seem.
And it may not be that the feelings for each other are not there anymore.
It could just be the fact he knows and you know that in January he will start his travelling, and because of this, he doesn't want to get all emotionally involved with you again, when there is only about 12 or 13 weeks or so, before that time comes.
And although it is about 3 months, that time will go very quickly as it gets closer to Christmas.
And so all the more reason, to have a chat - a heart to heart chat, that is - with him and talk about your feelings and his, and what you both are thinking about the relatinship as it now stands.
And also what you now both feel about the possibility of a permanent future together.
You both need to be on the same page.
There is no point in making assumptions about it.
You need to make your thoughts very clear to each other.
In that 3 years or so since you broke it off for your travel holiday, you have both evolved a bit more and matured in your thinking as well.
And this definitely changes things.
Don't be afraid of hurting him by saying how you feel - your doubts - just be loving and respectful and be careful with your words as well.
It is much better for you to both know EXACTLY where you stand - NOW - than to go on wondering and get all uptight and axious.
Get everything right out in the open, as soon as possible.
I promise you, you will both feel a whole lot better, when you do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2014): First you need to cut all ties with him, and get him completely out of your system.
You are going against your real feelings, which don't want him back. You're surviving on being friends with benefits; but you harbor too much resentment for the past pain he caused you. He tells you what you want to hear, and that keeps his control over you. The wall you speak of is his force-field around you.
Stop having sex. Have a real "breakup" and stop using each other just because it's convenient. You don't have feelings for each other, you just like hooking up.
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