A
female
age
30-35,
*ubblewrapmyheart
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years and I know I wanna spend the rest of my life with him, something that I've known since I met him, but only recently hit me. I got with my boyfriend when I was only 17 so I had never experienced the independent life, living on my own, always out with mates etc single. All I've ever known in my adult life so far is being with him and it's starting to scare me. There's things I wanted to do before I settled down. Granted, they are just gonna end up being stupid mistakes, but I want to make them and get them out of my system so I don't always wonder what being a young adult without any ties or worries of upsetting someone is like.I always say to him I met him too young. If we had met now or in a year or so then that would be perfect. I guess I've found the one but I'm not ready for the commitment. I feel terrible that I even want anything that doesn't involve him. I've always believed that once you find that person nothing else matters but I guess somewhere inside me it does. I asked him if he wanted a hall pass recently and he said no. Then we had a massive discussion about it,he was very understanding and didn't get upset that I felt like that, but in his mind there was no solution, we were just together forever and that was that. I was torn. I didn't know whether to stay with him and just hope the temptation to do stupid things stayed away or break up with him and risk never getting him back. Well, in short, there's a guy friend I've gotten quite close to and I'm very attracted to and he came over last night, we got a bit drunk and something almost happened between us. There was some messing around and playful touching (Not properly touching, we were just having a laugh if that makes sense) But afterwards we both felt really really bad about it and I got really upset. He comforted me and stuff and we decided to forget about it. A couple of my mates have said that not enough happened for it to be cheating, it was just messing around that went too far and I don't need to feel guilty but I can't help it. If I tell my boyfriend I don't know if he'll be really mad, or whether he'll understand because when I explained how I felt to him he said he understood. I'm so confused as to what to do with everything :(Please help!Thanks!
View related questions:
drunk, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (17 April 2014):
 Some people may know for certain that they've met their life partner at age 17 but I have to say that only applies to an extremely small percentage of the people I know.
I'd say if you are having these feelings that you have to make mistakes and experience other people that you go ahead and do so as a single person.
If you are in an LDR and you are this age and have been experiencing these feelings then you are really not ready for this level of commitment, no matter how sincerely you hope you are.
I'd let go of the notion that he's your life partner right now. You are 20 years old?
Give yourself a chance to experience life without feeling tied to a teenaged feeling of lifetime commitment which does not mesh with your current situation.
If you really and truly feel that this boy you started dating at age 17 is the be all and end all of your romantic interests then stop flirting with other guys as you clearly don't have the coping skills to handle a light flirtation.
I think you are burying your true feelings but then I guess this is something that will come out later, hopefully before you get too intertwined and set in stone at such a young age.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2014): There was a gal I knew back in high school who started dating an older guy (the age difference seemed scandalous when she was sixteen; it might have been five or six years). They were certainly very serious. Then the chemistry flared between us, and we had a sort of relationship on the side for several months. When we finally decided that it wasn't right, she went on to pick up a few random guys. She clearly had wild oats to sow, had stuff to get out of her system.She married the older guy after all this. They have been married for more than 30 years, their kids are grown and launched, and as near as I can tell they're very happy together. I don't know how much he knew about what was going on back in the day, but I don't think he's stupid. I think he gave her space to work out her issues, which seems now to have been a good call.I'm not one to advocate cheating. I also don't think that at 17 you can really decide who you're going to spend the next 60 years with. I think you would be smart to get it out of your system before you commit. Only you and him know if you could come back to him afterward.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2014): I don't think you're built for it; you've idolised this relationship type where you can go outside of the relationship and it doesn't matter if you go home to your "soul mate" but it's almost a given that you wouldn't like it if your boyfriend was the one doing it to you.
Also, monogamous relationships aren't about "my property"; they're about "I love you enough not to want anyone else".
I think you'll let this relationship play out and, when you mature, you'll realise all of this. You have plenty of time for the serious stuff, so have fun (no cheating) and learn to be independent by following your own dreams - whether you're in a relationship or not; this is the time in your life to be a bit selfish when it comes to setting up your future.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2014): OP there's nothing wrong with polyamory or all the variations thereof. But it's always a mutually agreed upon deal between two people who can handle that from the start. It doesn't work without mutual consent and it doesn't work if you're trying to change the nature of a relationship to suit it.
All the best, OP. No offence but I don't believe your line about it being a wake up call at all. This is something you've been thinking about deeply and for a while too, just because you decided you don't want it to be that way doesn't mean it's going to go away. So take care how far you try to push these feelings aside, there would be no complications in life if we could just turn off our feelings, they're not just going to go away.
You've had massive discussions about this, you've been thinking about this a lot, and as far as I'm concerned there's no wake up call here, you've just decided to push them to the side and hope they go away.
I hope for your sake they do, and to be honest I think it wouldn't matter what you do. Your boyfriend sounds like he'd accept anything to be honest, a complete pushover.
If my wife told me she felt like you do, then told me she's massively attracted to another man, and then she fooled around with this guy and was "comforted" by him, she'd be gone for good. You did tell your boyfriend you're massively attracted to this guy right? I mean that is a pretty important detail and if you did your boyfriend is a complete sucker who will literally let you do anything to him and he'll forgive you and just be glad you told him.
I'm not having a go at you, OP, just giving you a heads up. My wife is only massively attracted to me, no other guy interests her even slightly. I feel the same about her. You can't say the same for your soulmate.
Best of luck, you're going to need it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2014): You deserve time to experience your youth, grow, and just be young and carefree.
You are not married to this guy, and you're too young to be thinking in terms of soul-mates and spending your life-time with anyone.
You have to mature and experience more of life on your own. You have to date and get to know a variety of male-types; in order to determine what kind of man and male-traits are most compatible with your own personality. You can't do that, if all you've ever known is one guy.
You may have leader-ship potential. So you need the exposure to being around all kinds of people. Expanding your knowledge and challenging yourself. He may be holding you back. You clearly express this in your post.
You need to get an education, explore, travel, and discover who you are. You need to learn independence, discover your potential, and learn what life is about without being just one-half of a couple. You have to develop your own muscles and learn how to survive. To recognize your own identity as a whole and functioning individual. You have plenty of time for boyfriends along your journey.
Too many young women get involved in relationships early in their teens, and center their lives around them.
They get involved with bossy young men; who call all the shots, and control them. These young women get all too caught-up in proving their loyalty. Concentrating too much on maintaining a relationship with some guy, and too little on their own growth and personal-development.
Becoming insecure, dependent, and incapable of surviving life by themselves. Becoming mothers or wives long before they're ready to. Their whole universe is centered on some guy.
You are a strong woman. Your inner-strength is taking over; and you are not the kind of female that needs a man to support her, or make decisions for her. That power is going to force you to outgrow this guy.
Whether you let go or not. You're maturing at a rapid pace. You already have a sense of who you are, and it's getting to you. It's nagging at you so much, you wrote to DC about
it.
You're putting him first. That's where you're making your mistake. He should be on his on career-path and seeking his own goals. If you're meant to be a couple indefinitely, nothing will stop that. You're interested in another young man. So that means, you're ready to move on.
My advice. Go with your feelings. Let the relationship go and allow yourself to grow and mature. You have to know who you are and what you can contribute; or you'll be looking back wishing you had.
You are young and have so much life ahead of you. If you were male, you wouldn't think twice. You are a strong female, so you have to do the same.
...............................
A
female
reader, Bubblewrapmyheart +, writes (16 April 2014):
Bubblewrapmyheart is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi,
Thanks for all the answers. Just to clear things up, I didn't kiss anyone, it was just a lot of talking about doing it and tickling/poking, the kind of drunken stuff that you do to initiate something more. But that was as far as it went. I'm a very touchy feely person in general so the majority of what I did last night wouldn't have bothered my boyfriend in the slightest. But for me it was a slap in the face that I needed to decide him or a few stupid mistakes.
I've just told him everything that happened last night and he's ok with it. He's mainly glad that I had a wake up call about feeling tempted to cheat. Because we're in a LDR I feel like I'm in a part time relationship without the perks of being in one.
I've decided to stay with him because I do love him and I do know I will be with him the rest of my life, and from what I've gathered so far the single party life is pretty demoralizing anyway.
I guess I've just always admired the people that love eachother so much in such a way that they don't need monogamy to feel loved. To be able to love someone that much in such a special way as to cut the ties of "my property" and to know that no matter what goes on outside of the relationship, that person is yours to take home each night.
I guess some people aren't built for it and when it really comes down to it, I don't think I am either.
Thanks for all the help :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2014): You cheated and you need to let go of him so you can both move on. Commitment at such a young age is rarely good because you do miss out on independence (I'm not talking about "stupid mistakes") but it works for some people. For you, it doesn't, so break up and be single until you're ready for commitment. "Hall passes" are a crock of poop.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 April 2014):
 I want to clear something up right now. No matter what movies and popular culture say, there is absolutely no such thing whatsoever as a "hall pass". You can't mess around and not expect the relationship to not be devastated and ransacked, even if all the proper words and noises are said between each of you.
There is no "soulmate". There is no "the one". There is only how you feel about the guy, and if you're inviting other men over, getting drunk with them, and fooling around, then you've already ended the relationship with the guy you have. You just don't want to admit it.
You can't have it both ways. You can't sneak around expecting to sow your wild oats while keeping what you have, and it's useless to keep trying. You don't love him like you say, and he's not perfect like you say, and the whole "we met too young" simply means you're chemically attracted and he's a great guy, but you don't love him. Say it to yourself -- you do not love the guy. You simply like him around for how he makes you feel.
It's time to grow up. The "Hall pass" mentality is a stupid high school notion people say to try to assuage the fact that the relationship is all over except for the breakup words themselves. So cut this guy loose to find his own way. Stop cheating on him, because your friends are wrong about their cheating advice regarding you and this other guy:
Cheating is anything you wouldn't want him to be doing with another girl behind your back. Him inviting a hot girl to his house, getting really drunk with her, and getting handsy and stuff? Sorry, you've already crossed that line. If you hadn't crossed that line, you'd be alright with your boyfriend knowing every detail. Yeah, I thought so. Anything you do with another guy that you can't confidently tell your boyfriend is disloyal and it *is* cheating.
A soulmate and "the one" is a guy who you love, and the thought of having another guy's hands on you or stepping out with another guy would be distasteful. You wouldn't want to sow your wild oats because every other guy would seem inferior to the one you have.
If you care for the guy you have, you should break up with him and not try to keep him around with hall passes and "breaks". Let him go so he can explore on his own. You can't have your cake and eat it too, and there's a price for free wild single behavior. You're already one foot out of the door, and in the world of love, there is no such thing as "hedging your bets".
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2014): Well, he took your offer like a very mature person, that's impressive in a young age like his. As for you wondering around. Don't blame it OP on your young age and your first boyfriend and no one else ever. There are many many couples out there who had your situation and never had a desire to go and explore. Your boyfriend doesn't want it for example. I am not saying its wrong to want to experience the world, but please don't think that single party life is something super exciting. There will be lots of casual sex, with a guy sleeping with you and not even remembering how you looked the morning after, drinking, hangovers, hanging out with friends to at the end you will want to have someone who loves you and just you I experienced all this in big quantities, and that's not the memories I want to carry around with me. What you did with that other guy is cheating, don't lie to yourself. You made out with another guy. How would that look if your boyfriend walked in? I think you pretty much made p your mind, and it will end for you doing just exploring the single world. There is no wrong or wright here , it's just how it is. Cheating is definitely wrong, it's not fair to another person.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2014): If your boyfriend was in the same room as you and the other guy would you have "messed around" in that way, and would your boyfriend be okay with you two doing that? If the answer is "no" then that's cheating, OP.
Putting yourself in a situation like that verging on physically cheating and really having to try hard to stop yourself is crossing the line. I mean think if it was your guy doing that with another girl. As you said, you went too far.
OP you talk about soulmate, you talk about being together forever etc. but those are just words you have in your head, not the reality at all. You're mistaking having a great boyfriend for having the love of your life, the love of your life is a lifetime commitment and you could happily marry tomorrow without ever having dated anyone else.
That's not the case with you and he, so he's not.
I had 10's of partners of all kinds, one night stands, long term relationships before I met my wife, she had one short term boyfriend and was still a virgin when we started dating.
At 19 she was in the exact same position as you are now. Her attitude is that she hit the jackpot with her first serious relationship so why would she gamble again. Neither of us believe in that soulmate crap, but we did make a commitment to be together for the rest of our lives and we fit like a glove and work amazingly well together.
OP she's only human, so of course she wonders what it'd be like to date around, to sleep around, have sex with other guys and she even likes to fantasise about things like that. The difference between you and her is that the idea of doing that in real life disgusts her because it would mean not having me, and that to her is the worst possible scenario.
She doesn't feel she's missed out at all and she certainly doesn't mess around with others guys or get herself into those kind of positions. Not just because she's loyal but because other guys just don't interest her at all.
OP that's what soulmates is. Neither of us buy into the soulmates crap yet we are the embodiment of what people think that is.
You and he are not. If he was your sou mate then no other guy would interest you, no other guy would be able to push your buttons and you certainly wouldn't be messing around with anyone else. Biggest of all though, OP, is if he was your soulmate you wouldn't feel you were missing out, you'd feel you were spared the hassle of having to find "the one".
I'm mid-30's and I know women still looking.
He's not your soulmate, OP, you just love him but you don't actually love him enough to be with only him.
You very clearly want out of this relationship and it's not just simple curiosity either.
OP you are right to feel guilty for what happened with you and the other dude, it was wrong and you know it. But the idea that your guy is "the one" is also wrong and you need to realise that.
You obviously love the guy or you wouldn't consider him that way, and you're right, maybe in a different time in your life where you were ready to settle down you and he would be with each other forever. Life can be like that, but the right guy at the wrong time still means he's not your soulmate. You don't want to spend the rest of you life with him, OP otherwise you wouldn't be messing around with other guys. The idea of doing that would be disgusting to you.
OP you even asked him if he wanted a hall pass, experimenting with other people is so much on your mind that you've even talked to him about it, almost hoping he does so you can too.
As the others pointed out you have two options, keep grinding on until a. you cheat on him, which sounds like it'll happen sooner rather than later or b. you're still with him in 5 years time and starting to resent the fact you never had any freedom or independence in your youth. The second option then is break up, which will crush you and him, because break ups hurt like hell.
Personally I don't think you have the balls to break up, and will cheat on him instead "accidentally".
You want your cake and eat it, OP. You'd break up with him tomorrow if you were certain he'd wait for you for a couple of years while you have your fun.
It's simple you won't leave him because you don't want to lose your sure thing but you won't stay happy in this for too much longer because you see all your friends dating and having fun and you feel you're missing out, and you're also messing around with other guys.
So look, take your time and see what happens. Right now you're confused but in time you'll figure it out. Try not to cheat again though, OP. You didn't technically cheat but you know what you did was very wrong. If you want to fool around with other guys then just ask him for a hall pass.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2014): The heart wants what the heart wants. And yours wants out of this relationship.He may be perfect on paper - but your needs and levels of commitment are incompatible right now.Maybe if you let him go now, he'll never come back to you.But the alternative is to keep grinding on, pretending you're happy and you don't want more, until the next time you actually do have sex with someone else. What you did may not have been physical cheating, but it is still betrayal and disloyalty and to some extent emotional cheating. It might not have carried on with him, but it will eventually happen with another guy because the key problem remains unsolved; your heart's not completely in your relationship.Part ways with him now where there's a chance of getting back together in the future. Don't wait until you've cheated on him and irreversably driven a wedge between the two of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (16 April 2014):
 I understand exactly how you feel, even though i'm younger than you. At the age of 16 I pretty much went straight from one long term relationship to the next, and after a couple of months of being with my new boyfriend who I considered perfect (even though he was far from it) I started to want to be young and make all those silly little mistakes that you do when your young. I wanted to do it so badly, that I started not to care about what he thought or anyone else, and like you, I thought about cheating and very nearly cheated on him. However it turned out he had been cheating on me all along, so I dumped him and was able to go and do all them silly little things that you do when your young. And I can tell you now, it was NOT worth it, it was boring, got me into trouble and wasn't half as fun or good as I expected it to be, however the one part I loved about it was the whole freedom part, and I believe that you should be free at some point when you are young just so you can experience what independence feels like. I would tell you to not be so silly and stay with your boyfriend and just let go of all these silly dreams and desires, but I can't tell you that because them "silly things" you do are a part of growing up, and unless you yourself experience them, you are just going to want it even more, which could possibly lead to you cheating on your boyfriend, which is a route you don't want to go down, as then you will get a name for yourself. However you are in a bit of a pickle here, as you kinda have two choices, the first is to miss out on these things (which tbh aren't really worth it apart from the whole freedom factor) and stay with your boyfriend until whenever (and whenever can sometimes mean forever) or you can dump him and go and do the things that you want to do, but know once you sacrifice him it might be hard to get him back. Thats the choice you have to make, and I know its a hard one but thats just how it is, its up to you, but if you are going to sit there and just wish how you could do all these things and be young and free, the likely hood is that you'll end up doing them anyway, boyfriend or no boyfriend, which could potentially hurt the guy that you love. I think you just need to think this out, and take a long hard look at what you are risking here, and the main question you need to ask yourself, is, is it worth it? I personally would say no, but I would say yes when it comes to having a couple of years being able to do what you want and have no one there to put rules in place and just being able to feel completely free. However this is a decision you need to make on your own. Good luck x
...............................
|
