A
female
age
36-40,
*weet chilly
writes:I have been married for 6 years and I am deeply in love with my husband . However I have a friend very close to my heart and we get along really well ! We like each other's company and do spend a lot of time chatting on Facebook ! Recently, I have been thinking about him a lot and I like talking to him ! He also likes talking to me ! We share all our problems to each other ! I think I am attracted to him ! What should I do ??? He makes me feel like a 16 year old girl ! Should we be friends or not ? What if it get worst ???
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female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (19 April 2014):
 Yeah this is bad new here and Im from bad news who you marry and if it was so great good you wouldnt be worried about no one else. I know I wouldnt if I was happily marry. I mention in another blog about married people luring people in for attention cause to be truthful married life is not a that wonderful in spirit and in truth. I been marry before so I know. I watch those house wife shows too makes me not ever want to remarry any time soon. But if you cheat you may get caught and your ex will want a divorce Im sure.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 April 2014):
 Wow! I am really proud of you! I actually don't see many people heed advice like ours because the pull is way too strong. All I can say is hang in there, and the empty pain will lessen in time. You have to fill that void, which will make things easier.
Now that things are raw, and I'm sorry for that, this is a good time to consider what you want your life to be, where you see yourself going both as a married couple and as you yourself. You're at the age not many people talk about where you've left the dreams of young adulthood behind and are now entering the mature days of being a full life participant with possible new children and career and stuff. You have enough youth to feel energy, but you have enough experience to not be rash.
You never mentioned if you have girlfriends, because if you do, they will help you in huge ways. Today's society glorifies strife and backbiting and betrayal among women, but in reality, there's a bond that is unmatched and unshakeable among true friends, which really is amazing.
You also might want to fill the void by doing new things with your husband, and if there are things that are lacking in the marriage that made conditions at risk for you to fall into an emotional affair, now's the time to shore them up. The biggest mistake we make is to assume that our spouses never change, and that familiarity ends all things new.
Take care, and I am so proud you found the strength to do what so many OP's on here spend post after post making excuses why they can't.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (17 April 2014):
 You might need to give yourself a little time to mourn for the lost friendship and then pick yourself up. The feelings will eventually fade. xx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 April 2014):
 Pour all of that FOCUS on to your spouse? Your marriage? YOURSELF?
Figure out why you are a little unhappy with your life (that is my guess why you reached out to this "old" friend and bonded so easily.) THEN work on that.
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A
female
reader, Sweet chilly +, writes (17 April 2014):
Sweet chilly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did . I deleted him from my friends list and I cried like hell !! He asked me if I am ok and all I could say was please don't ask me anything ! He accepted my decision because he said he wants to see me happy and if this is what will make me happy then so be it ! Now what ??? I feel good but I am constantly thinking about him !???
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (16 April 2014):
If you are questioning the friendship you have with him then there is already a red flag for you an I think you already know the answer.
You should probably limit your contact with this guy before you put a spanner in your marriage - even a conversation can be emotional cheating if there is something there feeling wise and if there was nothing there then you wouldn't even take a moment in the day to question it.
I think you should quit while you are ahead and let this one go.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (16 April 2014):
You're approaching the time period in a relationship when many people start to get a wandering eye, so that's normal.
But you have to learn where to draw the line so that things don't escalate and you don't risk your marriage.
That point is NOW, when you find yourself fantasizing about the guy. Tell him the truth and stop contacting him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2014): Sweet Chilly, all the exclamation marks in your post tell me that you are way to emotionally invested in this guy for it to be in any way innocent! You're not a teenage girl! You're a grown woman and married, and as such shouldn't be playing immature games with a guy like this!
Most importantly of all, if you have to ask if it's wrong, then you know deep down inside that it is!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 April 2014):
I'm with Auntie YouWish,
If there is attraction, it's NOT a smart thing to play with fire and "pretend" you can be platonic friends.
And like Auntie SCV asked.. Does your husband know about this friend? If not, it's a red flag.
And ... you are not 16 no more. There is a reason you posted this question, because you kind of already know you are walking on thin ice. I get that the attention is lovely, but you really should have all these fun chats with your husband. HE is the one whom you should SOLVE problems with, not a third party who might have ulterior motives.
HOW would you feel if your husband had a female friend whom he discussed your marital problems with? And found himself a tad enamored and "giddy 16 year old" with? Bet you wouldn't be to happy about that.
Use a little caution and a BIG dose of common sense.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2014): Back-off and put some time and distance between you.
You are using him to compensate for things you're not getting from your husband. You're confiding your problems; and most likely discussing the intimate details of your marriage.
This creates a bond that will go beyond friendship; and has lead you to where you are now.
People often fall in-love with their therapist, or closest friend. They are attracted; because of the trust established, and the fact they have exposed all their vulnerabilities before these people. You can bare your soul, and not feel judged. That is what you've established with this man, and should have established with your husband instead. You equate or interpret confidential-connections with men to romantic-attraction. You may not be able to have one without the other.
Of course you love your husband. Although your thoughts have been written, I sense the guilt. As if you are deliberately reassuring yourself that you do. Apparently you still have room to divide your romantic feelings with another man.
Perhaps that love is now in jeopardy, or not as strong as it should be. You've spent too much time offering attention to another man. Not enough time working out your "problems" with the man who really counts. Your husband. He is the man sharing your life.
It's fine to have friends of both genders. It is healthy.
Until this happens.
When romantic feelings arise, that's when it's time to disengage. This is how cheating often starts. "He gets me. He understands my pain." Well, he is also a man, and he can also be seducing you with his attentiveness and intense concern for your well-being.
You've willingly allowed temptation to intrude on your marriage. You are nurturing it by offering him too much time, and maintaining intimate conversations.
How much do you really love your husband?
Do you think it is time that you might need some marriage counseling? You can apparently relate to another man, but there may be a gap in communication when it comes to your husband. Things you feel more comfortable revealing to a male-friend; than the man you married.
Apparently those problems are things you have difficulty discussing with your husband. If it includes intimacy issues; the male-friend may manipulate you, and play on your weaknesses.
Then there is the "horny factor." You just want to be with another man for sexual-gratification. The intrigue and the secrecy are all too appealing. Hormones are getting the better of you, and you just want to feel attractive and desirable. There is nothing wrong with that. As long as you don't give-in to the impulses.
Stop things in their tracks, before they proceed too far.
Time to establish deeper communication with the man you married. Let him know if there are issues regarding sex,
if he isn't showing you enough affection; and/or giving you enough attention.
Let him know if you have unresolved marital-problems that you think counseling combined with good old-fashioned effort (on both your parts) can resolve with understanding and compromise. If you don't open communication within your marriage, it will be the factor that will drive you out of your marriage.
Don't delude yourself that you are so happily married. You say that to lessen your guilt and avoid judgement from the aunts and uncles. You feel deprived of something. It is being fulfilled by your friend.
Time to go no-contact. No more calls, messaging, Facebook updates, or any social media contact. Either that, or get yourself a good divorce attorney. You're on the road to an extra-marital affair, and your happy marriage may not survive that. You may as well be single and pursue any romantic interests you like. Get rid of the husband first.
You apparently have extra time on your hands. Idle-minds are the devils workshop. You may be spending just too much time with the other man. He may be taking advantage of you.
Time would be better spend dealing with those problems you so easily disclose to someone else. An outsider who is starting to create a new problem in your marriage. Possible cheating. You're already lusting in your heart.
Infidelity is just a step away. Cool it young lady. When this happens, you've taken it just a bit too far.
If your culture doesn't place a lot of emphasis or merit in seeking marriage-counseling. Maybe it's time you deal directly with what is bringing another man into your marriage. There is obviously a something wrong between you and your husband. Maybe you no longer wish to be married to him.
Loving your husband means nothing, if he can't trust you; and you can't communicate with him.
Sorry, but you are not happily married; if your attraction to another man is pulling you away from your husband so strongly, that you must seek advice. That means you are unable to find it within yourself to control your urges or resist temptation.
This is all very human. I'm not judging you. It could happen to anyone. Temptation intrudes on all marriages and relationships. It is the main cause they fail.
We have to be strong enough to remove and resist the sources of temptation that will destroy the trust we have earned and built; which binds your marriages and relationships. Once that is lost, it may be impossible to regain.
Yes, it is time to end it. Your feelings are natural and human. However; in this case, the best remedy is to dissolve the friendship.
Your feelings have gone from platonic to romantic. This is not an element you want around to challenge your marriage; which isn't as solid as you're claiming. If it is too hard to break-away, you've already gone too far.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 April 2014):
If you're attracted to him, then you need to RUN LIKE HELL. If you deeply love your husband, then you are alienating affection from him by spending all of those 16-year old butterfly feelings for another man. Emotional affairs can destroy marriages just as badly as a physical one.
Ask yourself this question and think back on all of your conversations, all of the time you've spent chatting with this guy, all of the problems you've discussed, everything....how would you feel if your husband were carrying on like this with another woman? How would it feel if another woman made him feel strong and virile? How about if he were pouring his heart out to the other woman??
One huge warning sign is if these "problems" your sharing with him involve issues in your marriage. If you're venting to another man any fights, arguments, traits you don't like, petty annoyances, or deficiencies between you and your husband, knock it off right now. If that's happening, then you might as well climb into bed with this other guy, because you've already been burned by fire.
Also, your Facebook messages and chats - tell me, would there be anything you wouldn't want your husband to see on them? 16 year old girls are flirtatious and giggly with guys they like. Sooner or later, it's time to grow up, because at your age, what you say can have lifetime ramifications on your entire life.
Your only hope now is to go off of this guy cold turkey. Don't be friends with him, don't keep him around, don't let his attentions keep intoxicating you, because he will want more and more, and so will you. RUN like hell, tell him you feel an attraction that you can't have while you're married to another guy, and then block and delete him from your Facebook. End things, and end them decisively. Then give your husband all of those attentions. Those 16 year old butterflies are fun, but mature love is stronger and deeper and richer, and all of that time you've giving to this other guy can be spent experiencing the world and being adventurous with your husband.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (16 April 2014):
 Hi, I am in agreement with SVC. You are bordering on crossing the line and you need to end all contact with this friend or risk destroying your marriage over a fantasy. You should be talking to your husband and sharing your problems with him. If you continue this route you are inviting trouble.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (16 April 2014):
 If you are already attracted to him, any more interaction is just going to make your feelings intensify so I would really not suggest. Are you happy in your marriage? Do you love your husband? Does he love you? Do you value your marriage? If the answers to these questions is yes, then I don't think you should continue to make your friendship with this guy anymore stronger, as it could in the long run go down a path you don't really want it to. However I think as long as the chit chat you are having with this guy over social networking sites is purely friendly and nothing more, then I think its fine for you to keep on chatting to him (over the internet), as long as you know it won't lead to anything more, if you think it would lead to something more, then I suggest you just cut this guy off completely. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 April 2014):
 If you value your marriage I would suggest that you NOT do it... it's playing with fire...
not because men and women can't be friends but more because
a. you yourself know this is not a good idea otherwise you would not be asking and
b. the fact that you know he makes you feel 16 is a big red flag that you are playing with danger.
does your spouse know this guy?
does he know you are friends?
does he know you have feelings like a teenager in lust over this guy?
IF NOT...ask yourself why you are keeping it from you husband.
how would you feel if your husband felt this way about a woman?
are you emotionally cheating? are you in danger of such?
I personally would not risk it. I would not want to hurt my spouse by having an emotional affair... I would not want to risk "leading on" a man who I had no intention of having anything other than friendship with.. but because of how he makes you feel, you may inadvertently do things that are not "kosher"
I would say end the facebook friendship now.
IF you are friends in real life... make him part of your life WITH your husband.
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