A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've got myself in a right mess and don't know what to do. Sorry if this is so long..I'm female,19 and muslim. My family are religious, and i do believe in some aspects of my faith but i don't really go to mosque much and my parents don't pressure me to go if i don't really want to. Although my brother and sister go. I don't have to wear traditional clothes either, only when i have to go to weddings etc, So i guess im pretty lucky that my parents aren't so demanding. However i know that i have to marry a muslim man, and my dad has been trying to set me up with a gorgeous guy and we have been seeing each other for two months, he's into me but i don't feel much chemistry with him.About 6 months ago, my parents had a big dinner party with their friends.My brothers fiance came and she brought her best friend Aalliaya, who is also muslim and a year older than me. As soon as i saw her i was blown away with how stunning she was. We got talking and really got on well, we were talking and bantering with each other as though we had known each other for years. We clearly had a big connection. During the meal i could feel her eyes on me, and we kept gazing into each others eyes across the table, without anyone noticing. It was weird because a girl had never made me feel this way before.After that night we stayed in touch as good friends and started going shopping together and meeting for lunch. we are both very flirty with each other and we got really close friends.One night we were at mine having a girly take away dvd night in, and i was lounged out on the living room floor and she was on the sofa. we started messing around and throwing pillows at each other, and al rolled off the sofa onto me on the floor, we were both laughing and were our faces were so close. We both went quiet for what seemed ages and just looked into eachothers eyes. Then ended up kissing.So its been like this for a few week now, and when we're alone we get intimate, but i dont know what to do. I dont want it to end but this of course is against our religion and our families would be disgraced and probably disown us. We're both so in love with each other and are so happy together, but we know it's going to get us into so much trouble, but we can't help our feelings for each other! Can someone give me any advice on how to deal with this problem. We are both at university and are thinking of running away together once we have finished our final year.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): I can't help but wonder if the validity of your relationship would be questioned if it was a man you were in love with? The fact is this girl and you made a conection. You don't say if you are at uni and living at home or if you are away. This will make a huge diference to how you'll need to manage the relationship and your parents.
There's no point in running away babe. running makes it look like what you are doing is wrong. As suggested earlier tell your parents this man is not the man you se yourself marrying. Consentrate on your degree for now, when you have a good income and more options you and your girlfriend can consider what options are available to you. You have another year beofre you finish uni so wait for the decision making, but stop the marriage process.
Good luck i wish you and your girl happiness xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): I recommend you to watch "I can't think straight" by Lisa Ray & Sheetal. You will know the next step to fight for your love. Watch it on youtube, or dailymotion.com
GOOD LUCK! i'm definitely on your side. i want you to keep Aalliaya.
Life is short. don't live for others, live for yourself. it's not the religion or your family you're marrying!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): Wow that's a tricky one and I'm really sorry to hear that you're in that situation. I would firstly tell your parents that you don't want to marry the man, as this will clearly make you thoroughly unhappy. As for telling them that you are in love with a girl, you should only do that when you are entirely sure. As someone else mentioned, perhaps try and move in together with keeping up the pretence that you are her are just friends (they would have no reason to suspect otherwise). If you really are in love her, then I would think that she was worth fighting for, you'll regret it if you don't :-) your parents might freak out but they might not as well, you've just gotta work out whether it's worth the risk. Good luck, I really hope things work out for you and your girlfriend :-) xx
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A
male
reader, dddddddd  +, writes (8 July 2009):
You are an adult so you don't have to marry anyone you don't want to. You should tell you Dad you like the guy but do not want to marry him.
As for the other issue, well that is a lot trickier! Couldn't you just move out of home and live together if you don't want your families to know the full extent of your relationship? It might be best to see if the girl is the real deal before risking the reaction of your family.
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A
female
reader, laura585  +, writes (8 July 2009):
Your story is heart-wrenching but very sweet. I'm all for running away with the person you love, especially when you know no one else will understand. I can't say for sure if it will be the best choice in the long run or not- only time can tell. If anyone here posts anything about saying how same-sex relationships are "wrong" it will make me so mad. Love is love in whatever form it comes in. I say follow your heart- but please please be wary of the impact it will have on both of your families. Make sure its really worth it, after all you two havent known each other for very long- dont make any hasty decisions that you might end up regretting later.
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A
male
reader, yodastud  +, writes (8 July 2009):
I'm a gay man in Canada, but I'm not Muslim, although I worked with Muslim companies and visited Muslim countries, so I have an idea of what is expected culturally based on the questions I was always, always asked - "are you married?" "how many children do you have?". So I can imagine the family pressures on you would be enormous.
Still - you can't live your life for your family, it won't work, you won't be happy. If you go to a large enough school, perhaps there is a Muslim gay students association? Even if you don't define yourself as gay or lesbian, at least you can bat some ideas around there or talk to people who have had similar experiences as you.
I know when I was in school I was terrified my family would turn their backs on me - but while it wasn't easy for them, my father in particular - they love me unconditionally, and are always there for me.
I would hope that if you do end up with your girlfriend and build a happy, successful life together, your family would not be disgraced, but be proud of you.
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A
female
reader, Renee okc +, writes (8 July 2009):
Well you are in a pickle arent you i would say you should tell your parents you just arent ready to get married yet because you want to find yourself first and go to school stuff like that this way it will take the pressure off of them trying to find you a husband you are too young to worry about getting married right now, As far as this girlfriend crush honey you dont know what will happen in the future you guys are young and having fun so you cannot base the rest of your life off of this one fling you guy's will grow and maybe end up attracted to other people or other kind of relationships i would not hurt my parents by my exploring, I probably wouldnt say anything to them until i figure out what i really want in life there is no reason to get disowned for no reason take it one day at a time i havent heard of alot of lesbian M. have you be careful you have alot riding on this crush and that is exactly what it is is a crush .
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