A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:been with my bf for nearli year and i really love him but ive got off with other lads behind his back and the latest lad ive met ive realli fallen for and we wanna be together,im going to tell my boyfriend bout us but hes just taken me on holiday and spent loads of money on me so im going to feel even worse when i tell him i don't want to be with him but i cant keep going on behind his back its tearing my heart out knowing that im going to break his heart.Please can someone help me break it to him gently that i still have feelings for him but want to be with sumone else as im much younger than him and wanna experience diff relationhips in life (he 5 years my senior) I dont want to carry on behind his back cuz its not fair on anyone. please help me. sorry its long x
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female
reader, ababayy  +, writes (28 July 2008):
wow big dilemna. ok im pretty young only a teenager but i seem to know a lot about relationship stuff so here goes:
first of all tsk tsk for cheating, its never ever the way to go. ask yourself what made you want to cheat? were you unhappy in the relationship? did you feel trapped? or were you perhaps just a little tipsy one night and made a mistake? (is that too harsh?) or do you simply have commitment issues and find it hard to stay with one guy for a long time?
and also, ask yourself whether you like this guy just because maybe you like the suspense of seeing him secretly(however i doubt thats why) or do you like the idea of having a fling? really i think you should question your motives for liking this new guy and why you like him and if your feelings are genuine.
now for the hard part: confronting your boyfriend.
no doubt the expensive holiday retreat makes it all the more harder to tell him about your new love interest, but you cant keep finding excuses to not telling him the truth. no matter how hard and heartbreaking it seems. if you drag this out any longer, it will no doubt be much harder for your beau, knowing that you lied and cheated on him for so long. i suggest sitting him down, and telling him, well, the truth. if you are genuinly unhappy in your current relationship with him, tell him why, and then tell him (gently, mind you) that you have found someone else (but dont go too much into detail, such as saying we want to be together get married, yadda yadda yadda) and let him down easy. this isnt to say there wont be some tears shed, but again, the sooner you tell him, the better. because then you might still have a chance at a friendship with him, and if this keeps dragging on where you have not one but two men, the "fling guy" might not like the arrangement either. actually, i really doubt he'll like it at all, esp. if he's interested in having a life and serious relationship with you.
i really hope everything works out for you !
byee.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): I am sorry to say you are not ready to get into any relationship. Not until you learn being faithful. It is contradict when you say you still have feelings for him yet want to leave him.
To put it simpler, you don't love him. I don't know why you can fall for other when you are in a relationship. If it is because his weaknesses, still you don't love him because loving someone, you should accept his good and bad as a whole. When I say bad, it is not something like abusing you etc. I guess you get what I mean.
Even if you leave him, I can't see any future between you and the other guy because the same thing will happen all over again.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (27 July 2008):
 What you are continuing to do to your old boyfriend is very cruel. You need to be honest and up front with him as soon as possible because if he finds out from someone else OR sees you with the new guy it will absolutely crush him, his faith in women and will have a very negative effect on any future relationships he has so do yourself a favor (and you can be off with the new guy), him a favor (so he can find a new woman who will love him) and all us women a favor so he doesn't come into a new relationship with one of us with all these ISSUES.
Good luck with the new man.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 July 2008):
 Poster, there is no way to do this "gently". It will always hurt, and a lot. However, breaking up with him, without giving him any hopes of ever going back, is the right thing to do. Do it. He will feel awful and so will you, but there's no other way to go.
Think carefully whether you actually love this other guy. The good part of making mistakes is learning from them. You got involved with your current boyfriend without really loving him. This time, make sure your feelings for this new person are real. Otherwise, you will hurt two people without any reason.
Accept it this way and act as you should.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): Whatever you might hope - there is no way to break something like this "gently". True, some ways are better than others, but whatever you say, he will definetly be hurt, upset and possibly angry. this is just something you have to face up to and take on the chin - you have behaved pretty badly towards him, so the least you can do is take on some of the guilt of hurting him.
To make the best of a bad situation I'd advise the following:
- always respect someone enough to break the news face to face. A phonecall is admissable ONLY if there is a specific reason why you can't meet up. Text messages, notes and grapevine messages are the tools of cowards. Sometimes it can be good to follow up a break up with a letter explaining things in detail, particularly if you're not good with face-to-face conversations - but the initial action must always be in person.
- never use the word "dump" it makes the person feel like garbage, but also be honest and don't say "we should have some time apart" or "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" if it's not true.
- Do it in private and don't tell all your friends taht you're doing it - leave him some dignity.
- Avoid cliches like "It's not you it's me." You are not in a soap opera.
- If he calls you names or gets angry, don't fight back - take it like a woman and tell him you understand why he feels that way.
- Give him a gap - don't be seen publicly making out with your new boyfriend seconds after dumping the old one. I would wait at least a week or two before starting to officially date your new guy.
- Personally I reckon it's good practice to text someone a few days after you dump them to check they're OK, but don't be surprised if tehy send something bitchy back - that shows they're on fighting form and likely to get over you quickly!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): If you loved him you wouldn't have cheated on him.
You're acting little better than a prostitute by allowing him to pay for your holiday when you've no intention of staying with him.
Do the guy a favour, pay for your own holiday and tell him it's over between you and save him from getting involved with you and wasting his hard-earned cash on you.
You could get quite a reputation over something like this. And it would be well deserved.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (27 July 2008):
 The honest truth is that no matter what you do, it going to hurt him. In general, the sooner that you deal with this, the better. Letting it linger isn't helping either of you. I really don't think that there's an "easy way" to deal with this. I think that being honest and direct, explaining how you feel is the best way. I would de-emphasize the dating the other guy in that conversation... that's only going to make it hurt more... in fact, it's going to not only feel sad, but also feel like a fool for not figuring out you were seeing somebody else without him figuring it out.
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (27 July 2008):
 i would of thought after the first whoops i cheated on you you would of been heart broken and let him spread his wings but the fact you have done it repeatedly makes it much worse your taking him for a ride, so of course he should feel devistated that his girl cant keep it to herself..i dont want to sound mean but what your doing is being disrespectful to him and you dont want to hurt his feelings you should of thought of that long before now instead of letting the infidelity continue so long! best bet is to write him a letter if you cant do it to his face, tell him that he is a really nice guy but things are not working out and that you want to split up and that you know he could do so much better, theirs no going back you have made up your mind and best thing is to not contact each other again and that you will erase him from your phone and what not and that your really sorry and say goodbye (you can mention that you cheated or not but best to save him from more hurt and for his next relationship i wouldnt mention it because why should your infidelity cause him problems in future).. little tip for the future keep it in your pants and get rid of your bloke if you aint happy if not talk to your parnter have some respect for other people aphex good luck
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