A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a grown adult in a comitted long term relationship and I've recently found myself sliding back into the world of the teenage crush!I currently live with my partner of four years, and we are very happy in our relationship. About a year ago I started a new job - the best I've had in fact, things have been going great. When I first started Iwas introduced to my colleagues, and though I thought one of them was quite cute, thought nothing much of it - I often find people attractive after all, I'm only human, and as he was happily married and I'm also in a relationship, it seemed irrelevant.Thing is, two months back we had to work away for the night. My colleagues and I were all in the hotel bar 'til late, we were all high on the adrenaline of a night of hard work, and got quite drunk. After everyone else had gone to bed me and the "cute" colleague sat talking, and out of nowhere he leant in and kissed me. The kiss lasted seconds before we pulled away and both agreed it was a bad idea. Nothing else happened - and the next day we both agreed we should just pretend it never happened.The thing is, now I can't stop thinking about him, imagining what might have happened if he hadn't pulled back - I keep daydreaming about how when we next work away it might happen again. Work is becoming difficult as we work closely but I can't even look the guy in the eye anymore because i feel like a silly schoolgirl. It's causing problems in my relationship - when I have sex with my partner I often think of my colleague then feel guilty about it, I find myself daydreaming when I should be doing something else, and I resent when my partner intrudes on my thoughts.I know this can never happen, and I don't think i even really want it to happen - I have too much to lose, and even if he did turn out to be interested (unlikely) I could never break up a marriage. But I still can't get my mind off this guy and it's affecting both my work and my relationship. Is this normal? And what should I do about it?
View related questions:
crush, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): It's nice to imagine being with another man from time to time. Were human and we all do it. Guys too! The problem is when you act on it. In my opinion your kissing him was a very bad idea and can lead to nothing good. Your in a committed relationship, he's in a committed relationship, and your co-workers. Due to all of these factors it makes messing around with him a very poor idea. Do yourself a huge favor and distance your self from this man as much as possible until your feelings for him lessen. And now that you know how you feel about him don't put yourself in the postion again where your alone with him and drunk. You stand to lose a whole lot, not just the relationship your in, but maybe also your job, and your friends who are your co-workers. I don't think it's wrong to occasionally imagine your self with someone other than your significant other. But it sounds like your thinking about this other man way too much, so you distance yourself from him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): It seems to me you're making a bigger deal of this than you really need to - and the melodrama you're creating around it is likely to make things worse rather than better.
The truth is, no matter how much you love your partner, from time to time you're going to be attracted to, and fantasise about other people - as long as you don't act on this, there's really nothing so awful about it, in fact it can have a revitalising effect on your sexual feelings and even improve your relationship with your partner - who is after all the one you comne back to every night after work.
OK so in this situation thing got a bit more complex because of a drunken kiss - but from what you say it seems like both of you were sensible and decent enough to stop yourselves from getting into real grade A cheating territory, and you're lucky that your colleague turned out to be one of the nice guys.
My advice is to let this crush quietly run it's course, stop fretting about it and it will fade eventually and you can get back to where you were with your current spouse. If things are feeling very awkward at work (understandable) you may want to look into temporary ways of seeing less of your colleague - can you ask to be put to work on a different project, or in another department, or maybe even just get your desk moved so you end up talking more to other people? If all else fails, a holiday with your partner would serve the dual purpose of bringing you two closer together and getting time away from the other guy.
But really, you're not in love, you're not going to cheat, no-one is trying to seduce you - this is a hiccup - the sooner you see it for what it is the better.
...............................
A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (27 July 2008):
 So enjoy the fantasy and forget the reality.
There must be hundreds of thousands of people who kiss at work in a moment of silliness (and, obviously, lust!) and it never goes any further. You're not unique. It's those who can't assign it to the "fantasy" category who have the real problem.
This guy at work need to be in the same class as that good-looking celebrity you can't have. In the celebrity's case it's (mainly) because you'll never get to meet him and he probably wouldn't look twice at you if you did. In the case of the guy at work it's that he's unavailable - and so are you. BUT that doesn't stop him being "your fantasy" just like that celebrity can be your fantasy. Put him there - and suddenly it all becomes so much easier to deal with.
...............................
|
