A
male
age
36-40,
*inder
writes:I'm a 24 year male teacher. I work in a college I have been looking for love for quite some time. The problem is that I always end up with the wrong person. I know that I'm a good person. Nothing in the world hurts me more than injustice or seeing someone suffer. Lately, for 4 months now, I have started having a very close relationship with one of my 18 year old student. We're very good friends and I genuinely love him. He loves me too. He makes me feel alive and gives me a reason to wake up for. I talk to him on a daily basis; I do not know what to do. He's still my student and will graduate this year and he know I love him too. I'm too lost, too hurt, and too confused. I want to know if he loves me the same way I do or he just considers me a friend who he fools around with. We sleep together (no sex) just hug, each other. I don't know! How can I know how he loves me? When should I, if I ever should, tell him? Am I a pervert for loving someone younger? I'd appreciate any constructive advice. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, LunaRedd  +, writes (3 July 2013):
 If you wasn't his teacher my answer would be different. You are someone you're students can look up too, someone they admire. You have certain rules and regulations you have to follow, They made these rules and regulations for a reason. Sometimes people do things to please others because of their power. To a student you have a certain amount of power. Even if this is not the case, others will assume it is. A question you should ask yourself, "Is this worth my career?"... and on the other hand, if you wasn't his teacher, if you guys just randomly met, it would be different. Your just 24 and he is 18. He can make he's own choices. It isn't like there is a huge age gap between you guys, it would be perfectly normal. He's a adult and you are adult.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): You've broken every possible rule there is regarding your profession and school policy. You can dress it up with how wonderful it is, it still stinks. You are an educator. You are trusted to be a professional and to follow the applicable policies regarding faculty fraternization with students. Students are quite vulnerable emotionally at such an age; and become easily infatuated. They are still mentally and physically developing; and usually away from home for the first time. They're appreciative; and are easily flattered by the attention from adults. You have violated the ethical code of conduct most colleges and universities have in place around the world.I don't fault you for your feelings. However, many predators use the teaching profession as a chosen vocation for only one reason. A convenient cover.Easy access to young and inexperienced young people, or children. They are naive and easily influenced, and will do whatever a manipulator wants. Even if it doesn't really feel right to them. They respect authority and feel compelled to submit to whatever is asked of them. That is the major risk learning institutions fear most. In my opinion, you're fishing in a barrel. Young males are too horny and impressible at 18; especially when they haven't had much sexual experience. They can change or turn on you; and blame you for forcing gay sex on them. You are in a bad position. Young people first coming out to gay-life; are better off discovering their sexuality away from the institutions entrusted to offer them education, spirituality, or healthcare. These institutions; by law, are responsible for the protection of young people from potential psychological or physical trauma. You cannot be objective or impartial when grading your students; if you are fraternizing with them on a romantic or sexual level. I don't believe you when you claim you haven't had sex. Nor will anyone else, if you are discovered. However; you are innocent until proven otherwise.As another gay man, I'm sorry to come across as though I am judging you. However; I have seen too many professionals throw away their careers doing just what you're doing now. They let their hormones get the better of them, and throw caution to the wind. They wasted all their education and threw away the jobs they loved. Their valuable contributions to society was lost.Break it off as delicately as you can. Be prepared for his reaction upon being rejected. Hopefully, he will lose interest on his own. Young people his age are more driven by hormones and curiosity, than deeper feelings.Explain to him how this could effect your job. That it was just a slip in judgement, nothing his fault.Allow him to start from his own level of emotional maturity. You have the benefit of a higher education; and a level of intellect far above his. If he didn't attend the school where you worked, it would be just fine. What really doesn't sit well; is that you are using your closeness in chronological age as an excuse to dismiss what is proper for someone in your position of authority and responsibility. It's legal, but not ethical. It could prove a huge liability to the university; if his parents are homophobic; or ultra-conservative in their values. Even worse; if he hasn't come out as gay to his parents; you'll be held at fault. You're reinforcing the false presumption that gay people hide and recruit young people into gayness. This prejudice is reflected; even in judicial systems around the world.The school could lose needed contributions from their international sponsors, governmental sponsored scholarships, and alumni contributions; due to the public scandal or financial liability. Wealthy conservative parents carry a lot of clout. Just being concerned parents is enough.This can get blown completely out of proportion; if you slip and make the wrong moves; or the young man decides he wants to use this against you. He may not be absolutely certain of his sexual orientation; and might need more time to come to terms with it. Think of what I've said, and do the right thing. You can quit your job, and continue the relationship. The young man will get itchy feet, and want to experiment with others and move no to other relationships. That's another risk you take, being romantically involved with young people not yet in their 20's.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 June 2013):
 Hi sinder, I think you should not be teaching people close to your age at this point. Yes, all the ages are legal, but the situation of you being a teacher and actually sleeping with a student is extremely unethical.
You sound very needy and unhappy and not really very rational about just how far you've crossed a line here.
You have become emotionally involved with a student and somehow don't see that this is not your job. Your job is to teach, not to groom younger students as potential romantic partners.
Go to your human resources department or your counselor and get some help. And for heaven's sake, do not pursue this relationship with the student unless you would like to have a major scandal, for the student and for yourself.
You aren't a pervert for loving someone who is an adult. You are, however, way out of line for taking advantage of your teaching position to find and get close to a student.
Snap out of it.
Are you a teacher, with ethics and a clear purpose, or are you so desperate for love that you take advantage of vulnerable students?
Get real and I think you should get some counseling help and probably will need to see an attorney. Sorry. What you are doing is wrong.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (25 June 2013):
You're not a pervert--as others have already told you. What they haven't mentioned however, and this surprises me, is that this whole situation pretty much proves that you're unfit to be a teacher.
You're young and the age difference between you and the students is relatively small, so it's understandable you get attracted to them. The problem is that this is not a bar. You're not on equal footing with them; you're in a superior position. For this to work the students need to be able to trust you, but they can't because you cannot keep your personal life and your work separate.
Don't think lightly of this. You've already crossed the line emotionally (and the fact you're already sharing a bed shows you're on the verge of crossing it physically). From what I'm reading the kid is already pretty smitten with you. At least hold off on sex until he's graduated. You can take it from there. You may get judged for it by those who recognize you as his (former) teacher, so take it slow.
But whatever happens, please let this be a lesson to you. As a teacher you should always keep your private life and your job separate. I cannot stress enough how important this is. Students look up to you. You are there to teach them, but how can they trust anything you say if you let your attraction get in the way? If you want to keep doing this job, you need to make sure this never, ever happens again.
You're safe, for now. I hope this relationship works out for you both. But if it doesn't, get into a different dating pool.
If this sounds harsh, I apologize. I know you're not a bad person and your intentions aren't bad. But you need to gain control over yourself right now while you're still young. I have experience with teachers that crossed the line and I never felt safe with them. I didn't trust what they told me either. You need to be a figure students look up to and trust, so they can get the most out of their education. You can still be that person.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (25 June 2013):
Dear OP,
I'm sorry, but you're not being such a good person right now. You're lying to yourself, and to us, because you do something wrong and you know it.
You were single, frustrated.. okay, I get that, but there are moral standards (and the law) and they are important.
As a teacher, it IS your job to deal with attractive young people and NOT crossing that line. Teenagers are beautiful and charming sometimes, plus they long for love and sexual experience. I get that. They also don't mind the age gap, they feel flattered if they get attention of someone older.
But if you can't draw a line between your private life and your teaching job, you shouldn't be a teacher. Society trusts you to educate those people, not date them. Boys and girls that age might not care if you're their teacher, but they have less experience, they don't know what can go wrong, they don't think in advance. They should make their experience with people the same age and in the same situation. As a teacher, you have power over them, you can grade them, and if you break up they can't avoid you unless they change class or school. It's not fair game.
You're not that much older and you probably still have some things in common with your students, maybe that's why you don't really see the problem. However, you're now in the professional world and you have some responsibilities that they don't have.
My most constructive advice is to go back being professional. It was a mistake, a big one and it should have never happened in the first place.
I don't care if the boy loves you, it's better for him if he doesn't. Stop seeing him and be happy if he doesn't sue you for sexual harassment.
Start to date in the real world, so you can get your mind off him and find another way to be happy.
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A
female
reader, Joeyxxox  +, writes (25 June 2013):
 Firstly, you are not a pervert. You can't help who you fall for and to be honest, 6 years isn't that big a gap, there are married couples with more than 10 years between them!The big issue here is, HE IS YOUR STUDENT. if anyone were to find out about this, you could lose your job, not just that but your whole career.I'm pretty sure it is strictly prohibited to have relations with a student if you are a teacher. It's just a no go area.But, you said he is graduating this year, why don't you just call it off a bit until then?It's a good thing you have not slept together yet and my advice is to keep it that way, at least until he graduates.Just think about all the chaos that would ensue if you two were discovered, it would be awful if you couldn't see each other again or if you lost your career over it.Clearly he means a lot to you, so next time you see him outside of school just talk to him, explain that you have feelings for him and see what he says. You want to find out if he feels the same way first before you do anything.But make it clear it can't go any further until he graduates.It will be hard to keep your distance but better in the long run, a lot less messy for you both, less heartache.Plus, absence makes the heart grow fonder right? If you two are it, you will wait for each other :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013): Of course you're not a pervert - many people have relationships with people younger/older than them. However, the job you are in makes this sort of relationship very difficult. So much stigma is attached to paedophillia and men taking advantage of students. Sad, but true. I would wait until he graduates before persuing him and asking if he loves you. That way, you can't get into trouble.
Once he's graduated, you could ask him about his future plans and could subtly probe into the prospect of you being included in any of these. Good luck!
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