A
male
age
41-50,
*onfusedstudent
writes:I started law school last August and met a wonderful person. She is beautiful inside and out and I feel very connected to her. We can sit for hours and talk about anything. I consider her one of my best friends, and certainly the closest person to me since starting anew, in a new city, at a school, and meeting new peers (and future colleagues). I suppose she would have remained "just" my best friend had I not been so attracted to her physically as well. We started being around each other more and more, and now, since we go to the same school and have the same classes, and 6 out of 7 days study together...we are practically around each other 24/7. Anyway, last semester, our relationship became a bit more "involved". She stayed over one night, and ever since then, it's happened occassionally, usually about once a week. We hold ourselves out as friends at school, and she makes -certain- to let people know that, yet we are always around each other. Everyone teases both of us that everyone knows we are dating but us. Anyway, when we are together alone, she will flip-flop in her actions. Sometimes we will sit across from each other and study, and sometimes we will cuddle. Her whole view is "sometimes" she feels "very close" to me, and sometimes she doesn't. Moreover, she is a very guarded woman. She is 26, and a lot of guys have been interested in her in her past, but she has only went out with two guys before, and has been intimate with only one other person whom she was with for 4 years. Aside from these two, she hasn't even gone out with anyone else, one was in her high school days, one in her college days. She says that she doesn't feel the same "thing" that she felt with them towards me, that it isn't the same feeling, but she feels very connected to me and cares very much for me. She will constantly say things like, "I wish you would stop smoking", or chide me when I eat junk food. Little things I have heard only from girls I have been going out with.She admits that when she doesn't see me for a couple of days she misses me. A lot of times when we are together, I will put my arm around her, or rub her back, neck, etc. And on some nights that will lead to cuddling, then kissing, then she will wind up staying the night. On some nights however, she wants to keep her distance. She also says occasionally that she doesn't want to hurt me. However, there have been a few nights when we have gone out with friends and we would have a few drinks, then go back to my place, and she would tell me she loved me. So, bottom line, she lets very very few people get close to her, no one outside of her family really. She has let me that close. She feels romantically involved with me at times, but at other times just sees me as her best friend. She isn't a promiscuous woman by any means.As for my feelings, I have fallen for her, I care very deeply about her and have told her so. I have told her that I would really love to see where we would go if she would commit. But she is still sitting on the fence. I feel that things may change if I just keep being persistant by being her friend and being close to her, especially with all that has happened between us. I know something is there, and those kind of feelings don't just come and go, do they? My question I guess then, is how can I nuture those feelings in her rather than push her away?
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male
reader, lupa-k  +, writes (26 April 2007):
First off, can I point out that you are quite lucky to have found someone with whom you feel that there is such a connection with as between you and this lady.
But only she can make the decision as to whether to take things further. Clearly she cares very deeply about you - for her to bring up issues like she has, that is most likely the case.
She says that she doesn't feel the same way about you as she felt in other relationships - thats not a reason to dismiss things per se. For a start, clearly the other relationships that she has had haven't worked long term, and something as close as you have just might be the right foundation for something to develop here.
Ultimately though, you need to give her time and space, not make her feel pressured into a relationship. If she then feels that the time is right to discuss where things are with you, ensure that she feels safe and comfortable to open up to you about this.
And finally, good luck - I really hope that it works out for you both
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