A
male
age
36-40,
*ub_dave
writes:I need some advice I've fallen for a girl who I work with. For the past couple weeks we've been going out and having a good time but she already has a boyfriend. They keep arguing especially when he's had a drink and when he's had a drink he treats her like crap and controls her life wanting know every little thing shes done. I've asked her when she's going leave him and she just says things are complicated any advice on what do next?
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (12 August 2008):
 Hi,
oh dear.. sad stories like this are a dime a dozen unfortunately - they come under the "nice guys finish last" column.
Unfortunately controlling arseholes always seem to have a girl on their arm as some women regretably are attracted to men who treat them like dirt. For most of them though they feel they cannot escape the relationship once the control starts - they are vulnerable and controlling men are skilled at keeping them under their spell.
I worked with a girl who used to come into work wearing a scarf to cover her bruises - if you tried to say anything about her bullying husband she would turn on you like a cat! It was tragic.
The only thing you can do is be a friend to her, but we very wary of falling for her, chances are she will always go back to this man and you will be in for a lot of grief. But there is hope, if you can show her that somehow life can be enjoyed without being under the spell of a tyrant she may very well leave him.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Fairy Godmother +, writes (12 August 2008):
 I'm not sure there is much you can do whilst she remains in her current relationship. It is her decision whether she stays with her boyfriend or ends the relationship, and for the time being at least she is choosing to stay with him.
Suffice to say there are always two sides to every relationship story and you are only hearing her side. Although her boyfriend doesn't sound very nice, perhaps he wants to know what she is up to all the time because she is going out without him and he feels jealous and insecure.
You need to tread a little bit carefully since it is probably easy for you to feel that you would like to rescue her from this situation. In fact you can't rescue her, she has to make a decision.
My advice would be that you should be her friend. Listen to her, up to a point, but don't become the person she is always running to with her relationship problems. If that happens I think you should be firm with her and explain that, and she will respect you for it. You don't want to be talking about her relationship all the time; it's not good for her and it certainly isn't good for you.
Be her friend and time will tell. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (12 August 2008):
I would say to not get involved. I'm guessing you want to "save" her, but she's with him by choice. She's just going to have to live and learn on her own. If you get caught up in that drama, you don't want him after you! People do crazy things and stay with crazy people when they're in love--even if they know that they don't deserve that kind of treatment. Just stay out of it and be a friend to her and nothing more until they have broken up.
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A
female
reader, kelleeashton +, writes (12 August 2008):
 odds are she probably doesn't think she deserves better whether she realizes it or not. subconsciencly she knows it will never last but its better than being alone. show her how it can be but in a friendly i just care about you way. leave a flower on her desk at work or on her car with a note that says something corny like a pretty flower for a pretty girl and be sure she knows you like her but only want to see her happy. she will leave him in time if she is not happy and she knows things could be better with you!! just be patient and very caring! good luck let me know how it goes!
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