A
male
age
41-50,
*rush81
writes:Hello all,I have developed a crush on my straight boss and any tips on how to handle it would be welcome.We are both in long term relationships (5+ years, homosexual in my case, heterosexual in his). Apart from being extremely handsome, he has a very pleasant personality and is an absolute delight to work with and report to.I am happy-ish in my relationship, though it's not perfect (I have come to the conclusion that changing partners means switching one set of issues with another). The rational side of me is not entertaining any delusions about him, neither am I interested in any hypothetical "home-wrecking" (not that I think he would be interested anyway).However, I find myself thinking about him far to much when not in work; sending him photos of days out; being delighted at every IM or email I receive from him; grabbing every opportunity for lunch/coffee or even riding together on public transport. It's also worth noting we're not the same nationality, so the amount of eye contact might indicate interest in my culture but not his (but I'm thoroughly enjoying it...).I have had experience in the past of less intense crushes on straight guys that evolve into very nice friendships. I'm wondering whether I should try to meet him with his girlfriend in order to close down some of these feelings. Leaving issues with my relationship aside (which deserves another question to be honest), how can I conserve a thoroughly agreeable working relationship and get these feelings under control?Thanks!
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male
reader, crush81 +, writes (19 April 2016):
crush81 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst off, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to reply! The headline wasn't my choice of words (I'm not one for exclamation marks), but I realise my question did come across like that.To a great extent, I think putting things down here in writing did a fair amount of good in itself. It's somewhat isolating, not being able to speak seriously about this to anyone. Placing this question here has allowed me to take a look in the mirror and realise how illogical this crush is. The list of reasons for not acting on it is so long and compelling: ranging from professional, personal reputation, etc. and seemed too obvious to be worth saying in my original post, so apologies if this was not sufficiently clear.Avoiding contact will not be possible as we're barely 2 meters apart in an open space office, but I have dialled back on initiating non-work related contact. It's early days but it feels a bit more under control now (let's say down to healthy levels). Soon I have holidays with my partner so will see how that goes.Thanks again!
A
male
reader, crush81 +, writes (19 April 2016):
crush81 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst off, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to reply! The headline wasn't my choice of words (I'm not one for exclamation marks), but I realise my question did come across like that.To a great extent, I think putting things down here in writing did a fair amount of good in itself. It's somewhat isolating, not being able to speak seriously about this to anyone. Placing this question here has allowed me to take a look in the mirror and realise how illogical this crush is. The list of reasons for not acting on it is so long and compelling: ranging from professional, personal reputation, etc. and seemed too obvious to be worth saying in my original post, so apologies if this was not sufficiently clear.Avoiding contact will not be possible as we're barely 2 meters apart in an open space office, but I have dialled back on initiating non-work related contact. It's early days but it feels a bit more under control now (let's say down to healthy levels). Soon I have holidays with my partner so will see how that goes.Thanks again!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2016): I think you should keep your feelings in check, and respect the proper boundaries. Professionally and personally.
It's not unusual for gay men to crush on straight men who have all the physical attributes and personality traits they find attractive and intriguing. You have to allow maturity to take some control over your feelings, and not elude yourself into rationalizing a way to get closer to a man who is first and foremost heterosexual. He does not share your attraction. He only likes you as a person.
Instinctively, he is aware of your attraction for him; but will not acknowledge it to avoid any misunderstanding or awkward situations. He is comfortable with himself and his sexual-identity is in tact; so your signals will bounce off. They are not reaching him; because he will not interpret them in the way another gay man would. He would only sense them as an unwanted and unprovoked pass. He would see them as inappropriate with no regard to his personal boundaries; and to some degree, disrespectful of his manhood.
That being said, keep a grip on it. Stop with the school girl crushes over his looks. It's immature and undignified for you as a mature gay man. It is also inappropriate for professional reasons. You must maintain respect for his position as your boss, acknowledge his relationship with his woman, and respect the relationship that you have. Someone already cares for you, and your heart and mind are wandering. It's psychological cheating, and you really need to get things back in perspective. You are not satisfied with what you have, and want what you can't have. One of the most profound misgivings and follies of gay life. Attaching feelings to men who don't even give a sh*t, and wouldn't no matter how hard you try. Having fantasies of changing his orientation to match your own. That's literally a fairy tale.
You need to put more emotional distance between yourself and your boss. There should be a wall keeping you in your proper place as someone committed. If you aren't happy with your relationship, either work to improve it; or end it.
Very often gay men let their imaginations run away with them. We tend to be dramatic and somewhat unrealistic in our thinking. That is from many years of hiding who we are, or frustration in finding the type of men we really are attracted to. The search continues until you do. Or if you have found someone; revisit and assess what attracted you to that person in the first place. What triggered the feelings you have for him, and what does he do to show his affections for you? If something is missing, don't let your feelings and emotions wander aimlessly and fall upon people not even interested. Knowing there will be no reciprocation of your feelings; which will eventually lead to cheating to fulfill the cravings. Trying to hold on to the one you have for convenience and to avoid loneliness; while you search for others, with no regard you are hurting someone who cares for you in the process.
No one can "help you get your feelings under control." You are mature enough to do that for yourself. All we can offer you is advice. It comes down to self-control, and respect for what is right, fair, and moral. You need to work on your relationship and rekindle the love. You need to communicate with your partner and come to terms as to where your relationship is going. You need to stop idolizing your bosses looks and fantasizing like an adolescent, and realize your proper perspective in all of this.
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A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (17 April 2016):
 Since you have realized (rightly so) that this crush can go nowhere, I think the best course of action here is to limit your contact with him for the time being. I don't think more extracurricular socializing is going to be of help. You know he HAS a girlfriend and this knowledge hasn't affected your crush. In all honesty, meeting her in person seems like more of an excuse to spend time with him in a socially acceptable way than it does an attempt to process your feelings and move on. What you need for the time being is to step back and see less of him. Almost like 'no contact' in a breakup, but you can't totally cut him out of your life because, well, he's your boss.
That said, there are several things you CAN do to shift your feelings towards him back to a more appropriate place. Stop grabbing the opportunities for coffee and lunch and shared transportation; stop (or at least dial back) the social texting; when you catch yourself thinking about him, redirect your thoughts and focus on something else. (It may help to decide in advance what that something is going to be.) Remain polite and friendly but see him only to the degree that is REQUIRED of you for work.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, allthatjazz +, writes (17 April 2016):
 Perhaps it's the idea of having someone like him as a partner as opposed to the one that you have. As you've mentioned you have issues with your current beau. That leaves you vulnerable. Address that either by ending the relationship and bringing back the fun in your life or by working on resolving the problems with the boyfriend so you get to do more exciting things together. I'd also say, pick up a hobby, get busy. In the meantime that you're working on your relationship issues, I don't think it would hurt if you've got crushes here and there for as long as you don't act on it.
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