A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. This is a bit of a complex question, or maybe it just feels that way. But here it goes. I'm a 27F married with 3 young children. My husband was arrested and is currently in jail because he made a STUPID decision to help a friend and got wrapped up in some bad things (drug related). Believe me I'm not defending him-and honestly I'm very upset with him. He is 29 and knows full well he made a bad decision. Anyways for the last three years I have been a stay at home mother, but I've had to step everything up, and try to work nights to care for the kids during the day (they are watched at night). My husband has no previous record-just to give a little background. He has to call me, and he did tonight. I told him that I was upset with him and he may not be released as soon as he hopes. He got mad and hung up. I'm supposed to visit him in the morning, but now I'm not sure if I should. I look forward to his calls, I scrounged up for a lawyer- even though I hardly have an income. I'm just devastated. This whole situation is painful enough. He's cheating his kids out of time with him and then he hangs up on me when we only get to talk every other day (because it costs $$) and he's only allowed 2, 1 hour visits a week. Not to mention, it's our anniversary so that amplifies it and makes it more of a sullen situation. I'm so torn. I don't want to be that person that is walked on, and from where he's sitting, I think I deserve a bit more appreciation than that. I'm pretty hurt. Any advice would be appreciated. All this just happened this week btw, so that's why it's so hard. I dint want to make any emotionally charged decisions, but it's hard not to. Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 April 2016):
 My guess is he hung up on you because he is JUST as frustrated as you are. After all... he is the one in jail.
TALK to him face to face.
And BE proud of yourself for stepping up for your family. Independence is a great thing for anyone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2016): Thanks for your responses. Yes I did go see him. Funny enough on my way there he called me twice but I missed both calls because I was driving. He actually is in a cell by himself and the block that he is on is very mellow, with people that committed non violent crimes. He apologized and said I had every right to be mad, but it's all he thinks about and he knows how much he screwed up. All he thinks about is coming home to be with the kids and I. He isn't a mean a person, and he's definitely no "Tough guy" or on drugs or any of that. If he were abusive or "hard" I wouldn't bring our babies around him. He wants to come home, find a job if he's allowed or stay home with the boys and tend to the house while I work. If he's able we'd both get jobs and make sure one of us is home with the kids at any given time. He's told me before he doesn't deserve us but will do anything and everything to make it up to us, whether it's working or staying home. Our kids miss him SO MUCH. I know it's hard on them. He can hardly talk about them without crying. I know he's going to break down when he is able to see them. I wrote out a set of expectations for him when he does get out which hopefully will be soon. We are trying to take this a day at a time. I really appreciate both of your responses. You both hit the nail on the head. I was just so angry when he did that. It hurt, and I told him that. He said he was frustrated and that he wouldn't do it again. He was indeed mad at himself.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (17 April 2016):
 Hi Op. Tuff and stressful gig being in jail I would imagine. Whatever the reason he hung up I would imagine it was not just because of what you said. Just a frustrated build up of his situation now and the one that HE put himself and family in. He probably thought I've been judged by society and now you are going to have a go at me kinda thing. He knows your angry- he's angry with himself.I bet your bottom dollar once he did hang up, he wished he could have called you back to say sorry, but of course in his case you snooze you lose- don't get a second call. I would see him, you are his 'NORMALITY' and for what its worth a stupid mistake like his, I think deserves your support, even though you are rightly pissed. Not that Im discounting what he did -dumb arse but good people do stupid things sometimes. You should go for you too. Make up, try find some good in the bad-it's stressful enough for all concerned. What better anniversary gift can you give him than a bit of forgiveness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2016): Yes you need to visit him to communicate. He's turning. The inside is getting to him. You've got to set things straight; because he's coming back to you and your children at some point. Yes, he's frustrated and angry. Who's fault is it that he is where he is?
Upon your next visit, tell him how it felt when he hung-up on you. Remind him that his present situation is not your fault, and don't take these things out on you. When he hangs up on you, he is also hanging up on his kids. They remember such things. Test his sensibilities now, before he comes home. If he's hard and mean, he does not belong around you or the children.
His "stupid decision" could cost him his marriage and his kids. When he gets out, it's going to be a struggle for both of you; and now is the time to lay everything out on the table. You will be the bread-winner until he can find a job. That will not be easy.
If he wants your continued support, he's got to give you credit where credit is due. You're holding down the fort, while he's doing time. You should be the one turning your back on him, not the other way around. He had better get his act together before he's released; because from my perspective, he's as good as gone. All I'd want from him is a child-support check. When you have three children and a spouse depending on you, you can't afford to make decisions that land you in jail. He's proven to everyone he has the worst judgement. He let his family down.
If he wants to come home, he had better kiss the feet of the one willing to take his ex-con ass back! He's not setting the best of an example for the kids as it is.
What you're saying without saying is you're almost on the brink of not caring anymore. You're exhausted and you've gone farther than anyone normally could under the circumstances. You've already gotten a taste of what it's like without him being there for you, and you can do bad all by yourself. If the drama is starting while he's still inside, it will only be worse when he gets out.
He's a father, as well as a husband; and one of the most important things is to stay on the best of terms with the mother of his kids. I wouldn't want anyone around my kids who got caged-up with a bunch of criminal animals. I'd be afraid of him. He's got to be reminded of these things, and I do recommend you get some free family counseling now, from whatever local source you can find. The financial strain is going to take it's toll on your marriage without a doubt. It already is!
I may be reading between the lines, or over speculating here. I sense you're contemplating if this is the end of the line. Be that the case, you're going to need some resources and help. I suggest you start searching now until you feel secure enough to let him back into your life.
I think you should be more concerned for you and your children, and let him know; if he wants back, prove to you it's worth letting it happen. As I see it, you're holding all the cards.
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