A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is a whole pretty complicated story, I'll try to explain it as quickly as I can.My mother has been putting a lot of pressure on me lately to start dating, especially since I've been out of college for a year. I want to be able to date, I want to be able to meet people and be happy. But I have so many trust issues with women. And somehow, it all comes from one specific person.I mean, I had one incident in high school with a girl who faked friendship with me for some reason that made me less willing to approach people, but it didn't totally ruin my life.In college, I spent several summers working at a town pool as a lifeguard. My first two summers there was a girl who worked there who I really liked. It wasn't unusual for other guards to date so our second summer I tried reaching out to her to hang out. She continued to flake and make excuses every time I tried to make plans, but she still always continued to be what seemed to be a good friend. All this kept going after the summer ended, I continued our "friendship" via texting and occasional phone calls and, given I was really struggling at school that semester, she became a support system to vent about my troubles to and she seemed to listen and care. By winter break, s^^t hit the fan. She started the flaking and excuses again, then went off to Israel for her Birthright trip. When she came back from Israel, she refused to acknowledge me at all. No responses to messages, no phone calls, she'd respond to all comments on Facebook posts except mine, it was clear at this point she had no desire to have anything to do with me. So I walked away from her, severed all contact with her (I don't have her phone number anymore, deleted her as a friend on Facebook, etc). The more I thought about it and the further I got away from the situation - the more I realized I was really hurt by this woman. I trusted her, I thought she was my friend. It was painful to realize.In my subsequent college years, I was so focused on graduating and finishing my relevant coursework dating just wasn't on my mind. During my remaining summers lifeguarding however, as much as I adore my co-workers, I refused to consider dating any girl at that pool period, even after that girl did not return. One of my friends tried to set me up with another girl who worked there but I kept telling them I didn't want to date and risk a second lead-on.Now that I'm out of school, I tend to think a lot more about really getting back into the dating scene. But the fact that this woman I had to deal with a few years ago was the last time I pursued a serious relationship, I have a difficult time really wanting to deal with ANYONE again. I don't like to ask people to hang out, constantly wonder if they actually do like me or not, and have a difficult time trusting people who aren't close friends or family. Especially people from the pool who I'm still friends with. I have some "friend-girls" who I have made since the whole debacle went down, but I really have no idea how to buckle down, open up to someone and let myself risk pursuing them again. How do I let myself live again, I'm really so lost?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2016): Be brave, dude! I don't quite understand people's fear of rejection. I am a girl and I have MANY TIMES asked dudes out and made the first move. I have been rejected probably 50% of the time. And you know what, that's part of the excitement. Sure, rejection sucks - but don't take it so seriously. If you get rejected, oh well, just look for the next girl you want to ask out. Make it fun. You only live once and you're only young for so long. Go out with your friends, hit on girls (respectfully). Have fun!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2016): I hear a lot of you blaming these girls (past present future), when the focus should be to look at yourself – emotionally immature, introverted, high expectations of others, anxious, few friends…You know, people go on holidays, interact with others, find new interests; learn about themselves, make new friends etc. These people are not fake… making excuses or trying to ruin your life! Only you are ruining your life! Your faulty perception of friendship with how you interact with girls and your expectations of others are abnormal! You dramatize, overreact and blame them… ‘Is it any wonder that people are so delighted in keeping your company?’ These people probably sense a bad negative vibe coming from you? Just reading your post was hard work… Here the solution for you requires hard work on your part to stop this mentality for over exaggeration and anxiety. If you wish to remain negative/blaming when consequences are to keep your own miserable company; no girlfriends? Alternatively, wake up and make yourself interesting, you’re at an age where life is meant to be evolving, discovering, learning; not categorizing girls as fakes. Chill and relax – CHILAX!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 April 2016):
 Sorry to say so, but you are a bit of a an over dramatizer. What you describe is not some awful story about how your heart was broken, nor is it a story of someone actually betraying you, or abusing you, or misusing you. You tried to approach a girl who FROM THE START gave you clear signals she was not interested, and then she left the country, and here you are being so hurt over it you wont ever date another woman again.
But, it doesn't sound like you ever dated that first woman either. Sounds like, from your description, you wanted to date her, but she was uninterested, and you still just kept at it!
Almost like, you were obsessing over her, rather than take the hint and leave her alone. It took her flying out of the country and completely IGNORING you, in order for you to stop bothering with her. That's a massive sign. It's not "shit hitting the fan", it's you not reading the writing on the wall.
Do you have other problems reading people? Do you have many friends, or prefer the company of just one or two other people?
Hear me out. You sound like you have problems with relating to others and reading their signals/emotions/body language. What you experience as traumatizing, sounds like everyones every day experiences. I've had FAR WORSE done to me, and so has my friends, but we did not react the way you do. Your reaction is not normal. Hence why I believe you have a challenging time with relating to other humans, because otherwise you'd not have wasted so much time, and gotten to involved, in a woman who signaled to you from day one that she was not interested. And, you wouldn't have blamed this woman for your current situation either, if you had been able to read her signals and also understand the meaning of them.
My point is, SHE did not make you feel this way, nor did she put you through anything. Your inability to relate to other humans in the correct manner, is what is causing you problems.
This can be solved two different ways. You can accept that you are different, and withdraw from the social scene like you currently have, and only spend time with a few friends and not date. Which is fine, you are allowed this, and it doesn't mean your life is any less great or interesting. Not everyone want relationships. Or, you can go see a professional psychologist or therapist and see if you can get to the bottom of why you interpret the world in the way you do. When figuring out why you react the way you do, and even better, maybe get a diagnosis, you can also know what you should do in order to improve your situation.
I found that having a name/diagnosis for my condition was extremely helpful. It helped me put a name on something I otherwise had not been able to explain or understand. It also helped me to know how to proceed from where I was, to where I wanted to be. I was schizoid as a child, and just being able to put that definition on how I was as a child, has helped me so much. I believe it will be the same for you. Being able to define yourself in a recognized terminology is helpful, rather than just knowing you are different, but not understanding in what way you are different. And, especially knowing you are not the only one also helps! Because then it is so much easier to accept the way you are.
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A
female
reader, allthatjazz +, writes (17 April 2016):
 Temper your expectations. You're missing out on the fun factor if every time you connect with women you expect that it would move in the direction you want it to go and at the pace that you prefer. Focus on building a good relationship rather than hoping that it could lead to something more than that. When people come up with excuses, it means they know you won't be able to handle the truth. But I think whether they're direct or subtle, it would still hurt you the same way. Loosen up, have fun and don't miss out on the best years of your life by overthinking. Life is a trial and error exercise. LIVE! You'll eventually figure out the dynamics.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (17 April 2016):
 Hi op. from what you post I kinda get the feeling it was you that may have put far too much emphasis on the girl being much more than a friend that was a girl instead categorised her as a girl friend. Nothing of her behaviour you describe suggest that she would be considered an ex.or did anything wrong other than no have the courage to say-"hey, I'm just not that into you". Coming across as wanting more is more than her, likely the reason she has severed all ties- abrupt yet affective. An easy way to send a message. You are far too young with a whole life ahead, and I'm not trying to come off as patronising, to be loosing sleep over this one girl and incident of several years ago. Reality is this will not be a one off experience- it happens all the time and to different degrees- it's just the way dating goes unfortunately. Go out, meet lots of people and have these experiences just don't wear your heart on your sleeve and be too Gung ho. Accept the good with the sometimes bad and learn from it.
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A
female
reader, wrathykins  +, writes (17 April 2016):
 Just because one girl messed you around doesn't mean they all will. You need to let go of what happened and just go with the flow, and see what happens! Not everyone will you treat you like she did!
Dating is all about taking risks. You meet people, and they could potentially turn out to be a horrible person, or they could be wonderful. It's a risk you have to take, and you'll learn when you meet some lovely girls that sometimes, it's worth the risk.
Don't let anyone put any pressure on you to date. You will date when you are ready and find someone that interests you enough to date them. Think about the positives of dating, not the negatives. Try and enjoy it and stop worrying about the what-ifs.
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