A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 8 and half years, for the last two years since my best friend passed away I have been terrible depressed and thinking about life so much.I have lived with my boyfriend for quite a number of years, he is a lovely man, lately i say the last year and half he has shown me no affections whatsoever, our sex life is awful and I've been feeling like I'm his sister part of the furniture. I tried speaking to him but he just brushed our problems aside, I have my own property so decided to have a break and moved back home a week ago to see how we both feel. He wasn't happy with me going.For the last three weeks I've had a very good friend of ours declare his feelings for me, I did feel something towards him too maybe excitement. We started texting and before I knew it we were in a full emotional affair, well things came to a head the day after I moved out (1 week ago) we went for drinks in my boyfriend and I's local and the biggest regret I have is that we ended up in bed together that night. I realized that I do not want this to continue and I really want to sort things out with my boyfriend. I keep thinking that we were in love once we can work things out.(I love my boyfriend so much) I have spoken to the emotional affair and tried to explain my feelings, but he constantly send me texts every other day. How can I really know my true feelings about my boyfriend if he wont leave me alone?? I'm so worried that he may decide to show my boyfriend the texts between us, he has promised that he wouldn't as he is a friend to my boyfriend.I regret that day so much and really feel ashamed of myself, it was totally out of character for me. My biggest problem is do I really want to hurt my boyfriend by confessing all,I have told myself that this will never ever happen again I'm just finding it hard to live with this feeling of dread. I'm really beating myself up over this, do I really want to hurt my boyfriend and put him through pain, I just don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): Wow, yet another post on 'I will not tell the truth bec I want to spare my partner pain". my dear this is the biggest hogwash and you know it.
I will kindly suggest that you read a current thread- why do people lie....., for easy reference please look under the follow up section. I think you will be amazed/ disgusted and perhaps can identify why you are taking the easy way out.
Relationships based on lies and half truths are a sure recipe for disaster. You have too much of faith in your (what do I call him) one night stand/lover? Realise this Men Talk!
LoveGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your words. I know I have to confess but cannot bring myself to at the moment, I really don't want to have him experience the same pain as to what I'm going through now.
If it were a total stranger it would be so much easier to say, still very hard but alot better than telling him I cheated with his mate. I keep visualising big punch ups and how much violence will be caused :-(
I think I'm going to continue to take time out and really decide what I have to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): ok ! well i havent read anybody elses posts because i dont want to sway my judgement, so here's what i believe you should do.
Firstly every relationship goes through phases of routine and lack of excitement, believe me this is very normal.
secondly, you have been under a great deal of stress and although i dont agree with cheating, i can understand that with the lack of support and affection from your partner you took comfort with somebody else. Unfortunately the reality of the situation hit you and you realized just how much you love your partner, i strongly advise you to tell him what you have done because the guilt will make you an emotional wreck and destroy what you have with him.
I am not saying that he will forgive you or even accept what you did as im sure you wouldnt if the shoe was on the other foot, but believe me from experience lies always come out in the end and its not worth the pain and suffering it causes.
I think you should tell your partner and maybe suggest some couples counselling and do not have any other contact from the other man, but if you do decide to tell him make sure that it comes from you and not the other man...
best of luck xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your kind words. I know I must confess all but I'm struggling with the thought as I don't want him to feel pain the same way as I do now.
What makes it so terrible is that it's his friend, If it was a complete stranger it would be hard to confess but no way near as bad as confessing about his mate. Hope I'm making sense.
I think I will continue to be by myself and really think about things, then I'll hopefully know what I have to do.
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A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (24 November 2010):
 I think you cheated on a break therefore not cheating well at least in my book. I also feel that your boyfriend needs to know because this was with his so call friend not a random stranger so the chances of your boyfriend finding out are pretty high. I hope things work out for the best, with him or with out him. Hold your head up high you were neglected on a break.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): Having lived with depression myself years ago and living with a girlfriend with depression, I tend to agree with all the previous posters. HOWEVER, one additional thought (because of the above) is that you seem to be putting the fact that you cheated down to his not showing you enough affection. Have you considered that because YOU have been depressed YOU have been somewhat unapproachable or that your moods have changed to an extent that he has felt pushed away? I merely raise it as a possibility, because I know many couples have found that if one partner is depressed, the other partner can often feel shoved aside, particularly if you don't open up to them. Have you been having counselling for your depression? You probably should have been and I think it is a possibility worth considering that you have BOTH been the cause of the trouble in your relationship.Whatever the cause, you must own up. He deserves the truth and he deserves the opportunity to decide whether he wishes to remain with a cheater. I'm afraid the likeliood is he won't, especially as you slept with someone he knew.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (24 November 2010):
I think you should tell your boyfriend too. Not because of any moral reasons but because first, there's a good chance that one day, he will find out but second, because you're relationship seemed as good as finished any way, and perhaps this is just the shock the relationship needs to either get over and become stronger or not make it and end.
At least if you are honest with him, and it doesn't work out, you will know you had a pretty crappy relationship during the end anyway. But if it does work out, you'll have no secrets - and eventually - your relationship stands a fighting chance to go the distance.
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A
male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (24 November 2010):
 Oddly enough, at this point this is probably the best thing that could happen to your relationship with your boyfriend. Talking to him hasn't worked. Things have been getting bad. Now, I don't support cheating and I'm not saying THAT is a good thing. That was totally wrong to do. However, if you want to make things work with your boyfriend then you needed something major to happen to fix things. This is it.
Confess. Tell him everything. Telling him does 2 things. It eliminates the fear you have of this other guy saying anything to your boyfriend (because at that point it wont' matter) and also it forces you and your boyfriend to face what has been wrong these recent years.
Talk to your boyfriend. Counseling may even be necessary. But no matter what you just need to get your feelings out in the open. Again, I'm not justifying cheating... but odds are if he was more loving to you then you may not have strayed. You two need to be able to talk openly about your relationship.
FYI, if you two were married my advice would be totally different when it comes to cheating. Since you are not married this changes things a bit. Cheating is wrong, no matter what, but having an affair while married is worse in my opinion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): This is a difficult one as there is every likelyhood that your actual boyfriend will find out about this fling as he knows the man involved. So it would be best to put your cards on the table. You need some space from both men to see what you want in life. It may be that your long term relationship had run its course. But don't rush to jump back into a relationship which you clearly where not happy with. Is the risk of losing him clouding your view of whether the relationship was that great - you say it had its problems. Maybe you need to be on your own for a bit so you can make a considered choice about where you are going.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 November 2010):
I personally think that this is the final nail in the coffin for your relationship. You've been depressed for some time since your best friend sadly died, and you may have pulled away a bit from your boyfriend. In turn, your boyfriend has shown you little affection, your sex life is awful and even when you've said something he brushed it aside. You sought affection elsewhere, and now you've cheated. And realistically, I'm not sure this relationship can be fixed. Too much has changed, too much has happened that it can be seriously fixed. So, you need to sit down alone and really decide what you want. Are you really after fixing your relationship? Or are you just clinging onto the little stability that you have? Would you be better living your own life right now? Even of you do want to work at it, will your boyfriend?
One thing is for sure. You need to tell him you cheated. At some point, he will find out about this. Whether this other guy shows him the texts, or he notices changes, he will find out. You can't hide it. And if you are serious about fixing your relationship, you can't fix it if there is a huge lie in the middle of it.
So, firstly, is this guy the man you want to be with for the rest of your life? If so, tell him and allow him to make his own decision. Don't hide it.
And don't put blame on the guy you had the fling with for still texting you either. That's your problem. You don't have to read or respond to his texts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): You need to tell your boyfriend what you have done. Do you think you could live with the guilt for the rest of your life? I doubt it.
Yes, what you did was wrong but you admit it was a mistake so there's no point beating yourself up any longer. You need to be brave and confess then see where it goes from there. Explain to him why you did what you did and how you felt like your relationship isn't what it once was.
If your boyfriend forgives you then maybe the relationship can be saved but i wouldn't put my hopes up.
Him finding out that not only did you cheat but you cheated with one of his friends is going to be tough to get over.
With regards to this friend, if he texts you then ignore him. You do have a choice whether to reply or not so don't make excuses saying he's texting you.
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