A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I went through a break up just under four months ago with a girl at university. I was in my final year, she in her first. As much as we were in love and our relationship was intense, it only lasted four months. Our break up was circumstantial in that she didn't want me to make changes to my life to stay with her after I graduated, so our relationship had to end. I didn't want it to, but I couldn't do anything to change her mind, so obviously I must move on.The problem is, it's been four months! I've been without her for nearly as long as I was with her and yet I still find myself thinking about her throughout the day. Is that normal? I know you can't put a set-time on these things, but I feel like I should be past the point where I think about her any more. I try and think about other things, or try to forget about her but eventually something triggers her back into my mind and it stresses me out. It doesn't help that she's been seeing somebody else for the past 2 months now, so I know for a fact she isn't feeling the same way and it makes me feel a lot worse for thinking about her. She has somebody else to occupy her time, thoughts and to fulfil her needs, so there is no point in me thinking about her any more.I don't doubt that in time I'll get better, but I'm starting to feel like I'm moving backwards. I've never been good at getting over people I love, but I'm far past the point in crying over her so I know I've made a lot of progress, but how can I continue to move on from her? I'm determined to get her out of my head, please help me!I've been without my ex for almost as long as I was with her. Why do I still think about her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): It is normal to feel bitterness towards the new girf/boyf! (Though not entirely fair!) From an outsiders point of view, he has done nothing wrong. You said he seems like nice enough guy, would you rather she dated a horrible guy?You are just hurt and jealous, because he has what you want. These are just some stages of the emotions you go through when a relationship ends. Sometimes it is easier if they have met someone else or fallen out of love with you. But I'm always a bit sceptical of the 'timing' excuse myself. (Where there's a will, there's a way and all that).You have to try and accept it though, because bitterness just eats you up in the end. At the end of the day (sound like kyle now, lol) it doesn't really matter why someone doesn't want to be with you really, only the fact that they DON'T - and nothing you do can change their mind :-(Hurts like hell, maybe they will get closer than you two were/maybe they won't - but you have no say in that I'm sorry to say. Just pinch yourself when you have depressing thoughts about them, and get yourself back out there meeting new females/people if only for friendship to keep your mind busy and have new conversations and stop you stressing over things you can't change.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies everybody. It sounds as though what I'm feeling is pretty natural given the unfortunate circumstances. In response, I have nothing planned other than to keep my distance. I understand that when it comes to contacting her, the cons very much outweigh the positives. Some day I hope we can be friends, I would honestly really love that, I just can't see that happening while she's with this new guy. Maybe you can help me understand my bitterness towards him?
He seems like a nice enough guy. I met him once, but it was just a quick hello/goodbye. The problem is that I can't help but thinking that he's better than me. As much as she wouldn't call him a "replacement", that's what I see him as. And I envy him because he, like she, is a first year and this puts him in a position whereby if things go well between him and her, he has the chance to be with her for the next 2 years! I feel cheated, because I didn't get that opportunity and to this day that is something I still find hard to accept. He has got a better shot at her than I did. He has a chance to know her better than I did, he can get closer to her than I ever did and all the other advantages that come with that. He's already had a chance to be her shoulder to cry on. Since our break up her elderly grandmother passed away and I'm willing to bet that he was there for her at the funeral. Meanwhile, what could I do? Nothing, other than send her a text message now and again to see how she was coping.
I guess it's just a case that the timing for us was wrong, but I find it so hard to accept, especially whenever the timing was so right for the next guy... I guess all this is just a reason why I feel like I need to get over this. But do you think my bitter feelings are natural? Why do I see him as a better guy or a better match than whenever I know it's purely circumstantial? Is it just because of the bitterness?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 June 2011):
 I guess it is because you just didnt want it to end and you knew deep down she didnt either that she done it because she didnt want to mess up your plans. You know she done it for you and I guess deep down somewhere you might keep thinking that it could have worked out and therefore it makes you think about her from time to time.
You dont need me to tell you to move on or try and forget about her by keeping yourself busy because you already know what you are doing. Four months split up is not really a long time so just keep going, you have made lots of progress and just remember it is ok to think about her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): I am in exactly the same boat! lol. I am past the crying stage too though :-) but they still pop into my head every day. But I feel I'm getting better. I think you'll find the more you keep yourself busy and go out having fun times with friends or maybe casual dates, the less time you will think of her. It seems to be more when your bored or fed up in general that they appear! You don't know if she is thinking of you or not for sure. This new guy may just be a rebound? But you are right, whatever he is, it probably does take up some of the time she may have spent thinking of you. It's hard when you love someone and then you split up. You end up getting on your own nerves thinking about them! It's normal to analyse the situation though. But time does heal most wounds. You have to distract yourself with friends and hobbies as much as you can, and no-one can put a time limit on it! Plan a weekend away with your friends somewhere lively where you can also meet new people. Good luck :-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): "I didn't want it to, but I couldn't do anything to change her mind, so obviously I must move on."
That sentence says it all. You didn't fall out of love with her, it's just that the circumstances weren't right. Therefore it's perfectly normal to still have feelings for her
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (14 June 2011):
 Maybe you should occupy the space she had in your life by keeping busy with stuff like personal improvement activities ie going to the gym,take a cooking or dancing class,do volunteer work,go out n talk to other chicks-and this is a big one..not necessarily for rebound relationships. Keep busy with school n work and in the course of time these feelings you have for her should pass with the added benefit of you being a more attractive,more improved guy
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A
female
reader, xchloelogan +, writes (14 June 2011):
I think that you felt genuine feelings for this girl, and seeing her be with another guy probably makes the process of you getting over her even worse. I think you should try and spend time with other girls, even just as friends and try as hard as you can to forget about her. I know this is difficult as I have experienced this myself.
Maybe try and speak to her, tell her how your still feeling? You never know she might tell you something you want to hear..
Or just try and avoid her? Start doing something you will enjoy such as a new hobby to take your mind off of it? Good luck (:
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