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male
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*ickk
writes: My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 2 and a half years now. We've had our highs and lows, but we have a really strong connection, and I do love her and I know she loves me. However, one issue I think it starting to put us at a distance. We have never had sex. For the last 2.5 years, we've done all sorts of fooling around and done basically everything other than vaginal intercourse. We've discussed it a few times, and she tells me that she wants to have sex with me, but she knows it will hurt. She has never used a tampon in her life and has never been penetrated by anything before, and is too afraid to do it.We're both 20 years old and in college, and even though we have a relatively healthy relationship, I've been having doubts because I feel unsatisfied. Its just confusing to me that she *wants* to have sex but is too afraid to do it. Do you think I should respect her choice to the point of breaking up and finding someone else, or what?
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female
reader, Psyche  +, writes (20 February 2007):
Interesting. I applaud you for being such a great guy!I think you should go seek a doctors help. If you are in the states, Planned Parenthood is fantastic. Her fears need to be soothed and will likely be soothed by the calming wise words of other older women. If her fear has become irrational, you will have to decide if you can stick around. Part of a healthy relationship is a healthy sex life. There is a chance she has been sexually abused. Don't rush this idea to her. But when a female child is sexually abused, as I was, we tend to associate pain with sex and often the pain is more emotional than physical. It is important to consider this as a possibility. If there is any chance she was abused, I recommend you inspire her to seek counseling. The right counselor can help her unlock her fears and open her heart and her sexuality. Good luck and again, thank you for being a wonderful man. I am very impressed.
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (20 February 2007):
 Having penetrative sex can be painful for some women and can be painless for others. If you feel you are both ready to have sex for the first time you can help your girlfriend by stretching the hymen (thin skin that stretches over the opening of the vagina) open for a couple of weeks before starting intercourse. Do this by putting a clean finger into the vagina and gently pushing it from side to side, she can also do this. Make sure your girlfriend is sexually aroused enough and the vaginal entrance is lubricated enough for penetration but most of all tell her to RELAX. It doesn't need to be painful, keep in mind your girlfriend is quite anxious about it so enter her slowly and if she asks you to stop for any reason then you must respect her wishes.
It really isn't as bad as it's made out to be and with the right love and attention I think she'll be surprised at how easy it actually is. She may or may not bleed slightly afterwards but this is natural and nothing to worry about.
Above all else, relax and enjoy it and don't forget to use protection!!!!
Eve
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A
male
reader, can'tsleepever +, writes (20 February 2007):
What really matters is if you truly love this person.If you truly TRULY love them, you will respect their decision and live with it until they decide it is the time.And as for feeling unsatisfied, welcome to the club haha.About the pain of the whole thing, in my experience, and what I've seen personally, the pain isn't HORRIBLE, it's more of an 'uncomfortable' feeling, like a headache, or throbbing bruise.If you're really desperate to get laid or something, then you should break up with her, as it seems that if you break up with her over this, then it wasn't meant to be anyway.Sorry for being brutally honest, it's just I have this thing against guys who are all about ****ing girls all the time.I know you've been together for 2.5 odd years now, and I'm not trying to say you are one of those people, but think about it this way: if you really do love her, and she means a lot to you, then live with it, and maybe that'll show her that you care enough. Maybe she's testing you.
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