A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for seven years have have two children with my husband. He recently told me that he's been thinking about separating. I never believe in divorce unless there was abuse or infidelity involved. We have had a hard marriage. Lot's of fighting. No family around. He's almost 30 years old now.....still waits tables, stays up/out all night with his looser single friends, doesn't clean up after himself. I work 50+ a week he works 30. He has become a dead beat husband and won't grow up. When I come home to my house completely trashed and my kids obviously not being supervised and I get mad now all the sudden I'm a crazy bitch and this is why I hate you. I've been sticking it out and hoping that someday he would grow up. But I'm at a loss. I finally have a stable, good job and a nice home for my family after working my butt off all these years and he just wants to be a child and throw it all away for his own selfish reasons. I don't want to start over and I have no one else. What the hell am I to do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): I have been married for 16 years and discovered gender roles are very important. Tell him this is going to stop today! He is the husband and the man and he needs to support you and the family and that you are going to quit your job and stay home with your children. Tell him you are willing to work a few hours a week to help pay bills but this situation is ruining your family. Put it on his shoulders. Most men want to be the provider and want to be proud that they are taking carevof their family so it may take him awhile and this mint be the hardest thing you ever do but trust me it will work. I have had a simulate situation and it pushes them to mature. Good luck
Btw you will be a better wife and you will need to take very good care of him when he stapes up and does the right thing. Tell him how wonderful he is and what a great provider he is. You won't be a stressed and your kids and him will benefit. Being a wittier is ok but he might have to pick up extra hours. Adjust your li style
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): With kids in the picture, it's no longer about only your or his happiness. You have three options: leave the marriage, live in a loveless marriage (but it sounds like he won't), or choose to love your husband just as he is. None of them may sound like good options, but only you can make the choice.
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A
female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (30 October 2010):
 a friend of mine is going thru similiar... her bf and her have 3 kids, and hes on parental leave etc, while he does not go to and hang out with buddies, he is a good man, he does not clean up after himself and they argue over this, shes a stay at home mom and does literally everything, mostly because she prefers to do it herself, but all she asks is he cleans up after himself...he a very avid online gamer and does this all nite, and will eat during the night course, but she wakes up to cigarette ashes all over the floor the couch the table, food all over the couch and area rug, dishes piled in sink, cups left on table, in the sink and on counter, shes hiunting around looking for used baby bottles that need to be sterilized and he forgot to do, soiled baby clothes thrown on ground or under her bed as he did not put them in laundry basket which is in laundry room, his headset and game controllers all over the place, his worn clothes strewn all over the bdrm after hes changed into his night clothesd ( too lazy to just hang on hook on back of door) looks for diaper wipe container to change the baby that needs to have its diaper changed but she cant locate it half the time, or the babys pacifier, he lost it or it fell in some weird place so the baby is crying and she cant find it, she has 2 older but young kids that are hiungry but she has to fight thru the dirty dishes inside sink so she can prepare breakfastm, she has to clean her dirty counter tops and sterilize them so she can lay babys bottles etc on the top to prepare formula etc, she has to have the sink clear so she can bathe baby in it in morn she did not sleep very well and everyday same thing and wakes up to a trashed house which she keeps immaculate every bday so her kids have a clean home to play in and not worry about them walking over chunks of food or drag her duvet blanket all over a dirty area rug which catches all the ashes and dust etc and then she or the kids have to nap in dirty blankets etc, yuk, shes tired and just wants her mornings to go smoothly but when she brings this to the bfs attention, omg, shes the raving bitch! he will say all she cares about is cleaning and dirt, and he does not, she points out that DUH! they have 3 kids, one newbie and 2 little ones and she finds it disgusting that the kids should be running and playing in a home thats not clean and she will say to him, ok u drag ur blanket thru a carpet and wood flooring strewn with food crumbs, spilt coffe with sugar resudue thats sticky and its all over the place as he did not PROPERLY clean up after himself, so the floors are all sticky,and then go and sleep under the blanket....most people would not, and it is not good for allergies etc.... she says his mother is also a clean freak and for someone who lived in a home all his life thatw as clean and immaculate u could never tell, his clean up habits are atrocious...she tells him she does everything in the house and all she asks from him is at night, when everyone else is sleeping, to clean up properly, make sure the leftover bottles are on the counter washed and ready for her to sterilize, he does not even have to do this, he does all the night feedings and changes diapers at night she does day shift with all the kids etc, she cooks does all the laundry, etc etc. she will go to the mall for 1 hr, ome home and her home is trashed, but when she left it was very organized and tidy but arrives and the kids clothes are strewn all over, toys from one end of the house to the other, food everywhere, and shes like how the hell could he let this happen in only one hr of being absent. she said shes home all day and it never looks like that because shes alwsays aware of what the children are doing, e.i if playing in their room, she hears them opening dressers shes on it right away, but her bf never notices what the kids are doing unless its dangerous, but everything else its like he is blinded to the mayhem thats taking place...she tells him its not rocket science to say, hmm,i notice the kids clothes are in the living rom lying round, i should probably pick up after the kids and refold the clothes and neatly put them back into the dresser ,rather then throwingt them in wherever he thinks they go, etc...no, shes the bitch and thats all theres to it. and he can do no wrong... shes having problems and although shes right he tells her if she does not like things to get the fuck out and go back to her family and be without a family, that he can handle things and does not need her, that she is useless, yes, he calls her useless, stupid, dum etc, although hs never hit her, and is passionate about her, biut these are his faults, hes always threatening her to kick her out of the house, his own mother even had to tello her shes proud that shes sticking up for herself and verbally fighting back, because she should not be treated like so by her son, its unacceptable and hes always ragging on her from the moment he wakes up, but as soon as she opens her mouth he tells her to shut her fucking mouth because all she does is talk and never listens and she should just say, yes ur right, instead of coming out and always explaining hereself etc. point is, its a hard situation to deal with, because u dont want to break up the family home, but u cant live with the chaos thats taken place and the unfairness etc and verbal abuse etc, her bf needs to grow up for sure, as ur husband does. especially when women in general do way way more around the house then the menfolk,and since hes on unemployment theres no excuse to not clean up after urself, or the home, or even the kids. pitch in, or shut the fuck up when ur wife or gf denies u sex and a warm body to sleep next to at night. men say women do nothing but flap their mouths, and that they should just shut it, and if they do open it it beter be doing nothing more then sucking their dick, otherwise their doing nothing else but nagging, that women are bitchy etc, hmmmmm time to wake up and realize that if she were to walk out for one week and leave u with the 3 kids, hmmm. shed probably come home to find out the hubby took a loaded shotgun to his head and blew it off. because ( and not all men are like this to be fair!!) most men are just incapable of managing a household and family, of maintaing it in a well-organized manner. its not that men are wired differently. its because they dont give a fuck. ive seen men take care over a neat and organized tool box, garage, work place, but are jsut lazy fucks at home. like MY mother in law always say, never marry an electrician because noithing in ur house will evr get done, dont marry a shoessalesman because their kids walk round in raggedy shoes, and dont marry a home builder because ur house will never get finished....hmmm wise words i found to be true having met many a couples who are living that reality. and many a women out there with a complaint over how their menfolk are so careless at home, etc. but most men never do grow up. they need us women to hold their hands and walk them through life, like a child.
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (30 October 2010):
Why did you get married so young?? You are 25 at the most right? Maybe you two need a break to figure out where your head is at.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): If you treat him like a child he will behave like one. He never has to handle anything because you enable him and do everything for him. People only do what they are allowed to get away with. If you treat him like a child he will remain one however if you give him just a bit of respect then maybe he will feel like he is worth your respect!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 October 2010):
 When a man makes a woman pregnant, it doesn't automatically give him the parenting skills he needs. Same as a marriage certificate, it says nothing about him being able to play the role of a husband. He could benefit from parenting classes. His friends give him the space to vent, but it solves nothing. When he stays up all night he would be napping during the spare time he has while the children run around screaming. Tell him he could never call you names again. You have the right to be mad. He has to understand why you are frustrated. There is no time to get self defensive. It's not about you and me anymore, there is a whole family to consider. Even when he's separated, he still has responsibility to help out with the grunt work at home and look after the children half the time, so why not do it together and make it easier for each other? Does he really want to get jealous seeing that another guy, who is more mature and wise, look after your children?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 October 2010):
 Well hun am afraid if its just not working out then you will both need to go your seperate ways but why not sit down with him and ask can the both of you work hard to get things back on track, you sounds like you are under a lot of pressure due to work and him not doing his part for the family but instead of shouting maybe sit with him and ask him to supervise the children and do more around the house when you are at work.
If things are really bad and you are always arguing and he is staying out late at night then i suggest that you go to marriage councelling and get your problems out there on the table, i understand that with all the hours you work that maybe finding the time would be difficult but you need to make time for your marriage especially for this if you want it to work, there is no point in being in an unhappy marriage just for the simple reason that you dont have anyone else.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 October 2010):
 How often do you talk about your family life and the sutuation in a calm manner? How often are the fights, and over what?
Yes, he is childish by the sounds of it, but you do not believe in divorce, and he will probably not change either unless he really wants to himself. So the situation is tricky.
You are realising that the situation as it is right now does not work. Consider the options. Divorce is not an option naturally. Does your husband have any other options in mind? If he only suggest separation I am afraid he is a quitter with little respect for marriage, and you'd be the only one pulling the load. A marriage, as for any relationship, won't work well if only one person is fighting for it, while the other is fighting against.
And, if he truly wants divorce, then do you want to keep being married to think when he wants out? Is it fair to him?
However, I am guessing his separation plans are empty threats he throws out to hurt you. If you are able to talk in a calm manner, get this clearified. A threat like that should NEVER be called out unless it is serious. How many times has he called it out? And has he presented you with any paperwork to back-up his threat yet? Or are the threaths so far empty?
Other options to solve the conflict could be chores setting, who does what around the house, or that you build up a new routine that allows you to live together. Separate bedrooms is one think, separate baths is great if you have two baths. Privacy can be very important.
If you know that the routine you have now is not working, what can you change about it, without his help? It must be something you are able to do on your own, for your own good. For example after work, do not start cleaning up after him, but do something you enjoy better. Leave the cleaning for later? Go take a bath or a shower first in peace? It is very easy to have a fight start when you come home all tired and worn out. So you could try to ignore whatever mess is in the house and enjoy a few moments before you start with the cleaning up.
Can you afford help around the house, someone to clean every now and then? Can you afford a baby sitter to take the kids of your hands now and then?
Instead of getting angry when he is out with his looser friends, can you take the time away from him to enjoy it? If he's out late at night, and the kids are asleep, can you watch movies, have bubble baths, play games online or Playstation (games are funny even for us girls). Just some suggestions. Turn the otherwise negative things into positive things.
This isn't a formula to fix a bad relationship. But I do hope that some changes can make it possible for you to get through the day without feeling totally worn down and upset every night. Perhaps these changes can give you the energy you need to think clear, and make up a good strategy for how to approach your husband and talk to him about the relationship, and what really can make a difference.
If he's not happy either then he should be willing to discuss changes for the better. But this will all take time. So do some small changes at first that will help you through the day. Do things that will cheer you up. Plan things for yourself to look forward to, with you and the kids for example, or you alone.
And don't let whatever he says get to you or ruin your day. What he decides to say reflects only on him as a person, and not you as a person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): i am not married so i dont completely understand what your going through but what i do know is that if your husband isnt doing his role as a husband he doesnt deserve you. i also dont believe in a divorce unless adultry was committed. but you should try talking to him calmly not mad or yelling tell him exactly how you feel. try to not let him hang out with his loser friends because if they are single they will NOT understand your relationship.
be a little patient but not too much youve already dealt with enough for seven years. if he doesnt change then you should separate from him. you will have the right to do this because its his job to take care of his children and his wife. which he obviously isnt doing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): I'm sorry that your going through this. It's hard to see that there are other options other than what you see. To me, it seems like your staying with him because you believe there's no one else out there. I assure you, there are. Ones who will put forth effort into the relationship and act like a man instead of a child. Your husband seems to have never given up the 'single' days and probably wishes to go back to that. Let this boy go, and realize there are muuccchhh better men out there who will love you, treat you wish respect, and put forth as much effort into the relationship as you do. There is a way out of this, and if I were you, I'd take it.Best of luck to you.
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