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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi aunts and uncles. This is nothing to do with relationships, but i really need some advice on what to do.Life is a lot better than it used to be, but i still dont think i can cope with it and i dont know whats bothering me anymore!!I've had A LOT to deal with in my life really, when i was younger i used to argue all the time with my dad, we actally hated each other. then around the age of 7 my mum told me that my dad wasn't even my real dad, she thought i was old enough to understand, then when i was 9 my dad walked out on us, then at the age of 12 i found out my real dad had died, everything started to happen, and everything went wrong. I'd been beaten up as a child, used to get picked on in primary school and i didn't want to mention too much, because i did deserve it, but its in the past now but my mum hit me, she more than hit me. She battered me black and blue, i used to get drawers thrown at me, i was VERY bad tempered, i used to kick holes in walls, i used to punch my bedroom doors through. I smashed windows! I used to run away from home and walk the streets. I know i was a bastard and i know i deserved what i got. As i became a teenager i guess i got too much, i was out of control and looking back on what i've done and what i've been through, i can see how bad i was and i know i've come through the other side!. I was about 13 when i started doin drugs, i know its not the best thing to do but at the time... i got involved with older boys and got into a fair bit of trouble. (sex and other things) i was raped at 13 and had an abortion. I also got myself into a lot of fights, got my self excluded from school. I lost A LOT of people that meant A LOT to me! 3 months before my 14th birthday i lost my grandma, she was my world and i loved her more than anything! She was the one person i looked up to, spent every minute of every day with her that i could, when mum wanted rid of me she was the one person that could calm me down. (R.I.P) i loved her millions! She passed away in her sleep at the age of 84 and it really knocked some life into me, i realised what i had, what i'd done and what i'd lost, but also what i would lose if i carried on. I guess it made me think hard about myself and my life. I hadnt been to school since i was excluded and i was sooo behind because of everything i'd done!, but as my year at school went into year ten i started a new school and i really knuckled down, caught up and i worked hard! I chose my options and i am now ready for leaving at the end of year 11 i'm about to do my exams and am predicted B's and C's and have also been accepted into 6th form so am staying at school until im 18. I am proud of myself, i know my life's been pretty shit to be honest, and i know maybe i dont deserve what i've achieved. I've had so much support lately and have had everyone that matter behind me. I know the people i love! My elder sister, my mum, all the friends i've made at school and all the people that have turned me into who i am today, love me for who i am and i know how much of a twat i have been and that i am now, and i have deffo come out the other side. I have an AMAZING boyfreind at the moment been with him for 7 months, he is my world i love him dearly. He loves me for me, everything about me. He says i am his mrs right, and he loves me for the past present and future, he says everything that i've been through has made me who i am and made me stroner!I know i'm strong, but i wouldn't be able to cope without everyone in my life who is in it today! I miss my grandma. Crazy but i know she's still here with me - watching my every move and i know i can still talk to her about anything! Well there's most of my teenage years so far. Sorry its so long but i just can't cope with life :( i know it seems to be good at the moment, me and my mum have a very strong relationsip, everything has made us unbeliveable close and i love her millions. My boyfriend... hes amazing!! My school friends, their amazing too. school.. its good really, my school work is going great and life seems genuinly great! but every night i still cry myself to sleep. I honestly dont know why, but i feel the need to cry all the time. I lay in bed thinking to myself why did i ever bother with life and constantly all i've got running round in my mind is everything that has happened. My mind is always on the go. its busy 24/7 and its always telling me things that i dont want reminding of! I know this sounds very pathetic and i know this may be a pointless question, maybe it doesnt even make any sense. But is anyone able to understand? I'm really desperate i know i have people here for me but i just cant bare to talk about my past with people. I'm afraid.. really afraid. what if these things happen again. what if life turns back round again! im scared. I hate going to sleep, all i see when i go to sleep is being punched, people on top of me, silly things! Even when Richard holds me mega tight in bed, i still can't bare to sleep! I feel like i am not a real person, i can't see life. I just done know what to do!Please can anyone at all help me????I'm really sorry about the long question!
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female
reader, Midge  +, writes (2 April 2008):
 Your life story sounds similar to mine in a lot of respects. I am only 32 years old, but if I told you half of what has happened to me, you probably wouldnt believe me.
The main thing to remember is that you have a support system! You also have to remember first and foremost, that it is the past. I know its difficult to forget, but you have to let go of your past. I was raped at 15 and still have nightmares about it almost every night. I cannot bare for anyone to touch certain parts of my body because of it, and it all stems from that ordeal. I have been through my boyfriend being murdered, loosing my grandparents, loosing 5 friends in a car crash, and all this in the space of two months. That is just the start! So I can totally understand where you are coming from!
I am much older than you, so know that as hard as it seems just now, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And as far as you said "you dont deserve it", you so do! YOU pulled yourself out of that bad life! It may have taken the death of a beloved grandmother, but YOU did it!! Thats more than most people can say!
You dont deserve to feel the way you do! The fact you do means that you have truely thought about your life and the way you were. You wont make those same mistakes again because of it!
I think to help you through this hard time, you really need to see a councillor. They are not as bad as many may think. I am studying psychology and the last thing I would want to hear from my psychologist is "and how does that make you feel". There are a lot of us that feel the same way so dont think that that is what you will have to deal with. Go see your local doctor. Explain to him the situation and he will refer you to a councillor. I went to one for almost 2 years and only at the end of the second year did I find that I could look at life differently. You are almost there, but you just need that little nudge, a little boost! You need someone to show you how good your life is and how good it can be if you continue working hard!
Good luck! Let us know how you get on!
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (2 April 2008):
 Life is not always easy. You're story is inspiring with your past to future. You have been through a lot, but your still allowing yourself to be haunted from past choices. Do you feel that much guilt that you can't forgive yourself? You deserve this success. Success can feel good, and be scary at the same time. Don't think because you had this past you don't deserve, you do. When you we're younger, I couldn't even imagine the amount of confusion you we're living with. Being raped was not your fault, and that's an act I really wish no one would ever have to experience.
As you can see by your success, change begins with you. You should be proud of having the strength to overcome what most haven't experienced. Some times though when experiencing traumatic situations, a bit of additional help is needed to bring us back up. Believe it or not (which is a bit embarassing) when I was put on medication for depression, I was a motivational speaker. I could tell people how to create change, but it was hard when having to impliment that change in my own life.
When looking at trauma, view it as a subconscious then conscious issue. Everything we experience gets stored in our long term memory or subconscious. Trauma, however, if not assessed and taken care of grows. When it grows large enough, it begins peaking from the subconscious into the conscious state of mind. Thus, creating what you experience today. The fears, the dreams, the lost part of you.
Think of your trauma as a stack of pancakes. Each situation adds to that stack. You need to seek counseling, especially with someone who has a huge amount of dealing with trauma. Being in the U.K. I'd recommend looking for a N.L.P. specialist. N.L.P. stands for Neuro Linguistics Programming. I recommend this process for those who've experienced large amounts of trauma. Long name, but doesn't hurt at all. The best way to explain it is, its a method of massaging memories which changes the picture of the experience and refiles the experience in your subconscious basically telling you a happier ending or different view.
After reading this, I believe you may be experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and more that likely an anxiety disorder. That would explain your feelings when you go to sleep, almost like being locked in a box and can't get out.
You diserve to live and live well, free of the mental affects of the past. You can't change what happened, but you can change the way you view what happened. I believe life is a was of experiencing to learn more about ourselves and through obsticals, or personal hells, learning from them and allowing the experience to empower us to become stronger and build us to be better people.
I hope you choose to seek treatment. It won't go away if you don't. I wish the best for you and your future. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Addi +, writes (2 April 2008):
I can understand your frustration and what you've been through. The same thing happened to me when i was younger. With my dad telling me he wasn't my real dad and with finding out my real father was dead. All of that news hit me pretty hard and made me go into a dark place for a while. It made me feel as if i was living a lie and all of what i had built up to that point had been founded on lies.
The only thing is i moved on from that and he's been the best/only father I've ever had.
If anything you should commend yourself. You DO deserve everything that you have worked for and earned. I don't know you and already I am inspired by your story. I am happy that you have found happiness and are working towards improving your life. As far as the things that happened in your past. You didn't deserve any of that. No person does. You are worth so much more than you think. Keep on doing what your doing, you are a muse.
If you want to discuss anything or want to chat feel free to message me. Talking about your problems will help your mind stop racing. You need to let it out because right now your holding a lot in and that can potentially cause you to have an emotional melt down.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): wow. you have definitely not had it easy have you? I really feel a lot of compassion for you. I think you are amazing. A lot more than you reaise. You are so strong and that will set you up for life because you have been turned into a fighter.
I would recommend seeing a therapist to help you overcome a lot of the problems you have had, particularly your rape and abortion. Your doctor will refer you to someone.
You need to spend your life loving the people who treat you right and forgetting about the people who dont.
I'm not gonna tell you no more bad things will ever happen to you. They undoubtedly will. Its life. But you have the advantage of knowing that if you can get through all of the things you have gotten through already, no matter what life throws at you, you'll be fine. I have total confidence in that.
You didnt deserve any of the things that happened to you, so try to believe that. And you deserve all of the good you have in life now.
Stay in school, work as hard as you can and you can go onto college or university if you want to. Stay away from drugs, abstain from sex because you're still so young and have all the time in the world for that, focus on being you and getting your life to be EXACTLY how you want it to be.
My dad drummed into me from a very young age: You get out what you put in. I was made to repeat that 10 times every morning before i left for school. I love that saying and when i have kids, it'll be drummed into them too lol. In life, there is NOTHING that rule doesnt apply to. If you work hard at school you WILL get good grades, if you take the piss and mess about you wont. If you take the time and work at a relationship really making it important it will be a much better relationship than one where you're not putting in any effort. Even small things like if you take the time to get ready in the morning you'll look a lot better than if you fell out of bed spent 5 seconds getting ready then left.
So if you work hard at your life, it will improve and it will be the way you want it to be. If you give up now, it wont work out for you.
You're so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Stay strong but definitely call that doctor first thing tomorrow morning and make an appointment. Tell your doctor how you feel, what you've been through and ask if you can be referred to someone who can help you.
You deserve to be happy and its time to stop feeling like this and be as happy as you deserve to be.
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