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female
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anonymous
writes: After being left for other women 10 months ago, I still can't seem to get a grip on my life. I really enjoy not being lied to, cheated on or emotionally and mentally abused. I thought I had my mind set and was being strong, doing the right thing trying to get on with my life. It's been hard and a wish-wash of thoughts and feelings along the way, a bit easier than it used to be in the beginning. It just makes it really difficult when my ex comes around telling me he still loves me and there is no one else, realizes his mistakes and all that kinda thing, wants me back....bla...bla...bla(He's come around every week without fail since the split). I find it really difficult to believe, but I don't know if it's just because he hurt me for soooo many years and I just need space or whether I really have just had enough of him (which has been the main thought process), I dunno if I'm just getting sucked in to his crap again because it's easier for him to be nice and appear faithful just because he gets to go home to his parents (where he now lives), when his act is over. Is it normal to feel this way ?- to doubt what you thought was your final decision? He's a lying cheating asshole but when I ignore that we get along pretty well - I have no friends and find it hard to be around most people without being pissed, or else I suffer from anxiety attacks. I've tried for years to give him chances to prove he has the capacity for change - but to no avail!! This is the longest we've been apart, I felt good about myself for putting my foot down and saying I refuse to be treated this way anymore. I wonder whether I have inspired any change from this course of action or not?? Whenever I allow myself to think anything even half nice about him I feel weak and hopeless again. I'm not sure if getting him out of my life all together is gonna turn out for the best or whether I will live in regret. He's continued his sluttish behaviour in the time apart even though he still speaks the same crap to me "You're the one for me..." blabla. Is it worth it after so much hurt for so long to try once more(like I have so many times)Am I just addicted to the pain? Am I just scared of a good life because it's been so bad for so long? Or is it actually true that you know your soul-mate from day one and thats why I can't let it go no matter what the cost to myself?etc...etc...etc Confused...please help!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2006): Thanx for your insightful advice on this one, I dont have anyone else to discuss this with and appreciate all your help. The only problem is that we have a child together, we agreed when she was born that if he continued to behave this way and leave because he was being a slut that all contact with his daughter would be taken away - he wanted me to have an abortion again or adopt but I chose to keep her - and I'm glad I did. He has two other children to two other women - one of which committed suicide on mother's day 3 years ago and the other is a drug-ridden slut (not to be nasty-she simply is) I've seen him put these kids through all sorts of shit - seeing them when it's convenient for him, despite my constant disagreements to the way he treated them, he never really cared less about them. I know it sounds unfair to stop him seeing her but I know him all too well in the parenting department also to allow my daughter who is completely innocent to be dragged through the same crap. I refuse. He has agreed to this arrangement over & over through-out the years, I said it would be a different story if I didn't know what he was like with his other kids or if we broke up on mutual terms (ie: we both gave to the relationship and it still wasn't working). Am I doing the right thing there too? (my daughter doesn't particularly like him or the way he treats me or her either)??? His parents & family don't agree with this arrangement but to be honest they aren't a very good influence on her at all!! Sorry for the whole life story thing, I just find your advice very helpful and really crave outsiders opinions sometimes rather than constantly having to deal with all this on my own all the time!!thanx again! Am I choosing the right path on my daughter's behalf too??? - I hope I am because it would make life a lot easier!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2006): Thanx for your insightful advice on this one, I dont have anyone else to discuss this with and appreciate all your help. The only problem is that we have a child together, we agreed when she was born that if he continued to behave this way and leave because he was being a slut that all contact with his daughter would be taken away - he wanted me to have an abortion again or adopt but I chose to keep her - and I'm glad I did. He has two other children to two other women - one of which committed suicide on mother's day 3 years ago and the other is a drug-ridden slut (not to be nasty-she simply is) I've seen him put these kids through all sorts of shit - seeing them when it's convenient for him, despite my constant disagreements to the way he treated them, he never really cared less about them. I know it sounds unfair to stop him seeing her but I know him all too well in the parenting department also to allow my daughter who is completely innocent to be dragged through the same crap. I refuse. He has agreed to this arrangement over and over through-out the years, I said it would be a different story if I didn't know what he was like with his other kids or if we broke up on mutual terms (ie: we both gave to the relationship and it still wasn't working). Am I doing the right thing there too? (my daughter doesn't particularly like him or the way he treats me or her either)??? His parents and family don't agree with this arrangement but to be honest they aren't a very good influence on her at all!! Sorry for the whole life story thing, I just find your advice very helpful and really crave outsiders opinions sometimes rather than constantly having to deal with all this on my own all the time!!thanx again! Am I choosing the right path on my daughter's behalf too??? - I hope I am because it would make life a lot easier!!
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A
female
reader, juliagulia  +, writes (6 March 2006):
 Sorry to have to say this, but screw that guy. He sucks and you know it. He would say anything to get you back because you are probably the best thing that ever happened to him in his miserable life and he probably just misses having someone to kick around. You know you deserve better. Now that you have some perspective on the situation, you should really know you deserve so much more than this jerk has to offer. Stop talking to him full stop. Let someone else be his doormat!!!!
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A
female
reader, Sexybum +, writes (6 March 2006):
 You've overcome most of the hurdles in getting over this man. You've built your own confidence by setting your boundaries. You KNOW you can't trust him. Why should you anyway he has hurt you and I'm sorry to say it but he doesn't care. He doesn't have the consideration that you do and you deserve soemone who does and that someone is NOT him. The reason I say he doesn't care is because its like you said: he has continued his sluttish behaviour even since your split. To him you are a game and it is so painful. You are a nice person and I don't think you would even dream of treating a person like this, but unfortunatly you have met someone who would. You have ALMOST overcome this person. You know in your heart that taking him back is the easy way out and you know that you WON'T be happy with him. OK so going back to the beginning, you've overcome most of the hurdles in getting him out of your life. The way you're feeling now is just another hurdle that you need to overcome. Like smeedle said you're three quarters of the way so DON'T give up now you only have one quarter to go and that is to finally stand up to him and tell him to get lost. Honestly once you've been through all this pain you will come out of it ok. And you will be wiser. Life is just agreat big learning curve and you're learning a very painful part of it right now. If you give in and go back you are likely to experience all this hurt again, take it from me! If you keep going now and get him out of your life then it won't be long until your pain passes over and you WILL be ok again. Just be patient and hang on in there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2006): You are having a painful time ridding the ex from your heart and your life. That is normal. You've been deeply hurt in your past and I am sorry. we are not equipped with switches that can be turned off and on. When people disrespect and play with our emotions, we get hurt. But stay strong and steady, girl. It sounds like you are boxing yourself in and your vulnerabilities are creating inner doubts. He knows this and continued contact will make it worse. So many of us women make this common mistake. Whether to trust this ex again and allow him back in your life, is a choice. But remember, he cheated on you, he lied to you, he caused you great pain. Can you ever trust him, again? Can you live like that again? Every bit of trust anyone gets from you, in your life, should be earned on a conditional basis. More importantly, you have to learn to trust your feelings, your instincts and stop the self-doubts. You alone, are responsible to determine of who you do or do not trust. It's comes down to intuition and your bullshit detector which is needed when dealing with this ex. It really sounds like you are permitting your past bitterness, and grief, to cloud the choices you have in front of you, to move on and have a life that is open to relationship, love, and commitment with someone wonderful, who'll treat you the way you want or dealing with this ex.
Instead of wasting your effort thinking about this cad, take that energy and spend time looking at what happened in your past relationship, and discover ways you can avoid such pitfalls in the future. I think you are allowing your defenses to and walls to go down. Trust your abilities to respect yourself, set limits and boundries and say no. Guard your integrity above everything else. That is the heart of your boundary /self defense system and trust yourself first, for it is you who must protect yourself, and ensure you never associate with the losers like your ex... who have caused you grief. You were in a relationship with him..you know what 'exactly what to expect if you continue into the future with him. If you want him to stop, then a firm "no" from you is best. No more talking, discussion closed. Repeat it as often as required until his begging and words of entitlement stop. Because in a nutshell, this is what it's all about-his feelings, what he wants-his 'entitlement'. And as far as I can judge from your posting...he's 'entitled' to nothing. Believe in yourself and stay strong. Good luck, dear and I wish you only the best in life.
Hugs, Irish
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A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (6 March 2006):
 No way is this bloke your soul mate, get that idea right out of your head.
What he is to you is a bad habit, you have what sounds like a shyness problem and so drink in order to socialise, and to get you over your anxiety, all things that he will have played on.
You have been manipulated by this man for so long that you feel incomplete without him and to a degree feel dependant on him, well let me tell you that reading your letter tells me that you are now a strong woman, you have three quarters moved on from him and are seeing him and the relationship you had with him for the sham it really was.
Stay strong and get stronger, you do not need him or the drink, you need the drink because of him, with him out of your life you will be able to get help for your anxiety.
See your GP, and tell him to go away once and for all, tell him it is over and you do not want to see him again.
Do it and do it today!!
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