A
female
age
30-35,
*upid_or_Stupid
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been in a long distance relationship for coming up to two years and for the past year we've been talking about moving in together.We ruled out me moving to him because it is so much more expensive to live in his area that it is mine and so we wouldn't afford it. I also wouldn't want to live away from my mum when I settle down and start having kids, and I know if I moved up there with the intention of it only being a couple of years it would be much harder for him to want to move to my area. We eventually decided on mine. We started saving and also asked a friend to move in with us to help with bills etc.That was about 9 months ago. Now me and my friend have enough money for a deposit etc and are ready to actually move into somewhere, but when I asked my boyfriend how much money he had saved he said NOTHING. Apparently at the end of every month he would leave some aside but it would get spent accidentally. Me and my friend both created savings accounts. Knowing full well we've meant to been saving for the past 9 months, in that time he's fully done out his car, bought loads of random things he doesn't need, gone away twice and goes out all the time and just wastes his money.I've spoken to a few people about it and they think he doesn't actually want to move down here which is why he's not consciously making the effort to save.We've had countless conversations about it and every time he says he wants to have a bit of money saved before he moves down here which is fair enough but he NEVER SAVES. He tells me he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me and I want to with him too but I'd rather him tell me now if he knows deep down he can't move down here because maybe this relationship isn't going to work and I'd rather know that now and not several years down the line when we're even closer.I'm mainly putting this on here to see what you think about the situation, if you've had something similar happen. I just don't know what to do. I'm at a dead end with him.Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, answerfromtheheart  +, writes (2 August 2013):
 Hi I agree with many of the people who replied to you, because when it comes to men, they are very straight forward, if they want to do something, they do it without hesitation. If a guy wants to marry a girl, he does. If he wants to buy a spoiler for his sports car, he does. My point is that he is not being fair with you. He tells you that he wants to make plans with you, but he never follows through on what needs to be done on his part. Which in reality means that to him it's not that important. I don't want you to continue to rely on someone for whom promises to you are not important. Because you don't want that kind of a man next to you in a marriage. You will be constantly frustrated and angry at him, which will drive him away and you will be at fault because you are always nagging him. My best friend was in your situation, only she and her boyfriend of 10 yrs (she was 18 when they met) lived with roommates and she thought that it was time for them to move out and grow up. He didn't seem to show any initiative into planning to do that, only promises. She would talk to him about it, he would agree that it needs to be done, but never do anything about it. Eventually they would have fights almost every day about such minor things that it really doesn't make sense. It was because both were frustrated with the other. For some reason he wanted to please her with his promises, but really wasn't ready for the move. And she would get frustrated that he promised her movement toward their future but never made any moves, only empty air. So eventually she broke up with him, took all her clothes and moved in with me. It was very hard on her because she loved him, we stayed up crying and talking many nights, but it got better. He had the time to think about many things too. During the time they were not together he realized that it was time for him to grow up and actually started making the steps into the right direction. Then a few months later he contacted her and slowly they began to date again. This story has a great ending, they are a wonderful couple, already married 2 years with a 14 month baby girl. He is a great father, awesome provider and everything turned out great. The time apart gave him the opportunity to realize that she was very important to him, and that without her he didn't want to live. And so he grew up and they moved in together and eventually married.Let him go, with an explanation that even though you love him and would love for his promises of a future together to come true, you cannot trust him any more because he failed to prove to you that his promises mean anything and you don't want to even consider moving in with someone who is so unreliable.SOme people need a little push in order to leave the comfort of a nest and fly on their own.Good luck to you. Keep us posted
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 August 2013):
 I'm surprised to read that nobody's pointed out the obvious:
This isn't two people moving into a place, it's three. That can get awkward for even the closest of friends when two of the three are a romantic relationship, making the third person feel like an outsider having to make room for the relationship couple. I don't think that is a good idea even if your boyfriend were fully on board.
Your boyfriend may very well be trying to tell you something, even if it's just that he's not good with money. But I know I wouldn't want to leave my hometown to move to somewhere else to accommodate my girlfriend and her friend.
I think your LDR is going to come to an end, and truly, if your goal is moving out, then you and your friend don't need him and should be a roommate couple instead of a third-wheel situation.
The "moving in" part of a relationship should really consist of two people, not three. Three works with platonic friends, like three bachelors (or bachelorettes) or three co-eds without any romantic feelings between each other.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 August 2013):
 This paragraph is really the "answer" to your question:
"We've had countless conversations about it and every time he says he wants to have a bit of money saved before he moves down here which is fair enough but he NEVER SAVES."
What he's saying is: "If I do this (save), then that can happen (moving to live together).
HE controls the IF... and you get to feel the disdain when he really "tells you" that he has no intention of doing so.
I suggest that you forget this plan and see if you and your responsible friend can figure out a way to live together...
P.S. DUMP "Mr Irresponsible" (the guy who "spends accidentally")!!!
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (1 August 2013):
 In all, I think, if you want something bad enough, then you will try and move mountains. I think everything he has told you has been half hearted. Money does not get "accidentally" spent. It gets spent on essentials, or on what is his priority at that moment.
I think you are far more serious about it than he is.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 August 2013):
 Consider this a wake up call ..... he isn't serious about moving. He isn't mature enough to give up the frivolous stuff for his car, he isn't mature enough to limit going out, he isn't mature enough to set up a simple saving plan, and because of all that he has quite clearly shown he isn't mature enough for you to share accommodation with.
You and your friend should now move the goal posts, have a good think about what goals you both have and then continue saving to realise your goals for your futures. Leave the boyfriend where he is, accidentally spending money on stuff he doesn't need and going out. He might grow up one day but in the meantime don't wait for him to catch up with you, he will only hold you back!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): Honey, Follow the rule.
Its simple, No Money, No Honey.
You can't live with someone who doesn't share the same views you have. You will just grow apart.
His not saving money because his not serious moving in with you and he doesn't really thought much about you and him the way you do.
If he did, you will never find yourself asking here.
On the other hand, his giving you a favor to think about your future. Your future is way better with someone who knows how to sacrifice the same things you sacrifice for them. Its definitely NOT HIM.
Or maybe I am being harsh. at the end of the day, its only you who will be able to weigh things better. i maybe not seeing the other side of the story. But hopefully you could make a wise thought and decision about your situation.
Good luck.
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