A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I thought maybe it could have been just a one time incident, but now we have had sex three times sneaking away about once ever three weeks. I have been married for 15 years and never thought I would do this. I have always had men find me attractive but would have never dreamed of acting on anything. Then this guy who is single and has been one of my child's coaches became a friend. I knew we were attracted to each other, but I never dreamed it would turn into an affair. Now I can't stop because I love being with him. We not only have great sex, but enjoy each other's company. I feel bad only because he could be pursuing something real with someone available, but he doesn't want to he wants me and I can't leave my husband because of finances and the children, but at the same time I do want to be with this other man. This is so unlike me really because I would have never done this with anyone before... I don't know what makes this guy different and why I would risk everything just to be with him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): No no no. The OP has not bothered to follow the conventions.In order to garner some sympathy she is supposed to talk about her difficulties in the marriage - her husbands fault of course. She has also supposed to express guilt for her children and her (presumably) dull or whatever husband, therefore establishing that she has empathy and therefore is not all bad.But infact she could not manage one word about her husband other him being a source of finance. I am not sure what she is worried about as the bottom line is her husband is screwed no matter what. If she is living in a "no fault" state, she can have the children and his money anyway. And as for being a father no worries on that score either as some posters seem to imply that the he is disposable, because in the case of young children "a separation doesn't bother them because they don't understand and they don't ask questions." Great. Thanks. I really wonder why us fathers bother.I am married myself and I believe in it, but my god its increasingly clear that a husbands/fathers life is completely in the hands of his wife/mother of their children. If he slips, he's screwed. If its her that's playing around he's still screwed.Advice? You've decided, you just want support and courage. If its the lover you want, then put your husband out of his misery. I would add some words about trying to do it in a respectful and constructive manner, trying to come to a sensible arrangement on childcare etc, but frankly your "me me me" post suggests that this would be wasted.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): JSBach, you are not harsh. just a normal person seeing this situation for what it is. why is it that when women mess up and they destroy the very people they claim to love, some posters jump to their defenses. if it was a man doing just what our original poster is doing, he would be taken to task. yet we are soooo supportive, so forgiving , so underatnding of our own . we roast the poor men over the coals yet we pardon the women. double standards i say.
to the A female reader "Wow! Thought this site was supposed ..........how it turns out" everyone is entitled to opinions. what i cannot tolerate is giving false support and condoning this posters actions. she has not even attempted to show remorse, she knows she will continue her affair. so what must we do. encourage her to sleep around and destroy her kids lives in the process? it is very evident from her post that she has no regard for the well fare of her kids. she is enjoying the forbidden fruit and will continue to do so inspite of hurting her kids. so much for parental love. we have told the OP what she needs to hear, not some flattering sympathetic story, of been there, understand and it will work itself out. i think this is just sending out mixed signals to the OP who feels justified in her ways. she is only staying so that she can continue to use her husband. she has admitted it, hasn't she. i note that you have chosen not to comment on that. you have selectively berated us for telling her what she needs to hear and not what she wants to hear. that is the difference. it is like giving a child a loaded gun and telling him not to use it. lets get real now.
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A
male
reader, JSBach  +, writes (28 July 2009):
I have known good, kind, loving people, men and women, who cheated because they just couldn't help themselves. For some people the urge really is too strong, and I don't judge people for that, but the thing that distinguished them from the poster here is that they displayed some kind of regard for their partner. There is not one line, not one word, indicating any regard whatsoever for his feelings. Maybe I am a bit harsh: maybe she just forgot to write "and I don't want to hurt my husband".And I don't think registering for a council house is much of an option - she's from America.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (27 July 2009):
 Thank you anon I completely agree with you.
Of course this is a difficult situation for you. And believe it or not a lot of people find themselves in the same boat.
What is the financial problem? It was shallow and naive of JSBach to just assume it was because you were after your partner's money. I hope this isn't the case.
The thing with children is that when they are very young, a separation doesn't bother them because they don't understand and they don't ask questions. Older teenagers a lot of the time do understand you. But older children/young teenagers don't understand but they do ask questions. They get confused and can get depressed. How old are your children?
Are you really sure that if you could you would leave your husband for this man? If you are, I'm assuming you couldn't move in with him. You could register for a council house until things get sorted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): Wow! Thought this site was supposed to help someone not berate,judge and make someone feel worse!! Of course nobody wants to hurt anyone intentionally. When she is saying she "can't" I realize that of course physically she can however her heart is telling her she "can't". Clearly the former answers are coming from people who have never been in this situation. That doesn't give you the right to make someone else feel worse about their situation. She is obviously hurting and maybe by posting her situation she is trying to get clarity. You guys should be ashamed of yourselves for belittling her and comparing her situation to something that is not the same thing. Now, regarding advice,you know what you should do it's just a matter of getting your mind set on doing it. I have never had an affair but I have had an attraction incredibly strong to someone other than my spouse. I know how you feel to a certain point, it is soooo hard to fight those urges. I never thought I would have those feelings either but it happened, not intentionally but nonetheless it happened. Hopefully you will get some good advice from others. Stay strong and try and concentrate on your kids, for us moms that really helps. Take care and let us know how it turns out!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): you do not have a question so what is it really...to gloat that you have been f*cking someone who is not your husband. you should be ashamed of yourself - you do not want to leave your husband because of finances- well, how big of you, admiting in a roundabout way that you are actually stealing your husbands resources.
your coach lover is used to messing with bored married woman, you are not his first and babes, you will not be the last. there is no hope for you, so enjoy until you get caught.......then be full of remorse and write back and tell us how guilty you are feeling and then expect a miracle. i really cannot tell you anything other than this - the few stolen moments with your lover is just not worth it. can you imagine what you will do to your kids, lets forget your husband for your moment. how do you actually face your kids or don't you even care. this stink will come out, you can be sure of it, then what. time to stop thinking with that little something between your legs and time to start thinking and acting like a decent responsible MOTHER, that is if you can. and please stop the gloating, just makes you sound desperate and a tad bit pathetic!
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A
female
reader, Ravenxx91 +, writes (27 July 2009):
 End it. you may seem to love him but its most likely lust right now. If you got with this guy through cheating how do you know you wont do this again in another 15 years and go through pain and regret again? It all seems good now and you say you wont but whats to stop it? Theres a film called unfaithful. starring richard gere, diane lane and olivier martinez. watch it, the emotions she feels is the emotions of a loving wife and yes her affair is great at first but watch it and see how she is, if your the same or have the same feelings then leave before it gets too serious. if you think "hey what the heck this guy is amazing compared to my husband and father of my children" then your selfish. Im sorry but thats my opinion. I never present bias on here but affairs always result in disaster to the innocent ones, your husband and children.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 July 2009):
 Exactly right Sincerely Yours, to the poster, what do you want from the aunts? Affirmation or castigation? And by the way, this scenario is very familiar...perhaps it's a re-posting?
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A
male
reader, JSBach +, writes (27 July 2009):
"I can't leave my husband because of finances and the children"
So your husband has now just become a source of cash and child minder for you? That's a very disappointing attitude.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): There's no question here so i can only imagine that you are feelings ashamed yet "can't" stop yourself and are looking for a wake up call? Well, I believe you have come to the right place.
Now let me tell you something about the word "can't:"
Definition: lacking the necessary power, competence, etc., to accomplish some specified act:
Well, you claim that you can't stop yourself with this man. Lets take this into literal terms, shall we? Do you lack the necessary power to NOT meet with this man? Are you lack not just any, but a majority of your limbs to the point where you can do nothing? And so this man is tieing you to his car and forcing you with him? Do you lack a properly functioning brain? To the point which your vegetative state disables you from controlling who your company is and what they decide to do to you? I'm thinking not, as you are here writing this.
How about compentence? Are you incompentent? Now this one, prehaps you will find it easy to convince yourself that you are incompetent in this matter and that's why you can't stop. But should you stop to call yourself incompetent, you will stop to call yourself a fool. I don't believe that you are incompetent. Incompetence is seen in such situations like my close family member, who had an imcompentent cervix and gave birth at five months, losing her child hours after she was born. THAt is incompetence. completely unmanageable. Nothing she could have done.
But YOU.. you cannot use the word "can't" as an excuse for what you're doing. Take responsibilty, fully and completely. If you set your alarm clock for 1900 instead of 0700, then you don't get to say the next morning that "my alarm clock didn't go off." Take responsibilty. "I didn't set my alarm clock correctly. I'm sorry."
You should feel lucky. You're an attractive, sensual young woman with a husband and kids, so don't play yourself off as unable to do a sm=imple task such as NOT go somewhere. It's not evena matter of partaking an activity; it's a matter of not partaking; doing nothing. How m uch easier can that be?
You alone control your body so if I were you, I would start being wise with it. I won't even tell you about what to do with your family and this other man. I'll let the other aunts jump in there.
G'day.
~Sy.
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