A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello So my ex and I were together on and off since 2012 until 2017. I say on and off because we had HUGE issues alot of the time. He didn't trust me whatsoever so that was the main reason we were off and on. Not to mention he was emotionally abusive. Also would call up my exes, ask them questions. Needed my fb password. Would get caught cheating and deny it . Needless to say he was a huge trouble maker for me. I finally ended up ending things for good in 2017. I'm wondering why on earth I still think about him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2021): His description is awful! Why do you still think of him??? Maybe it's flashbacks from PTSD? Do you think it might require some counseling? Are you a glutton for punishment?
You know, I guess sometimes it's hard to deal with what we consider a failure. Wishing it could have been different. Well, that's a waste of time. You must not be dating presently. You're sorting through your old reject pile!!! Maybe you have difficulty in letting-go, because things didn't end on the best note.
Make sure you're not holding onto too many mementos or reminders he left behind. Sometimes you've got to clean house to get rid of the old memories. Anything that isn't of significant value should go, or be replaced. Paint or redecorate. You should get rid of all his pictures, take him out of your picture albums; and you shouldn't keep reminding yourself by following him online. Biggest no-no of them all!
Sometimes you can't help yourself, but you'll wonder what he's doing? Or if he ever thinks about you? Chances are, you've been long forgotten; and he's somebody else's pain in the @ss! His memories can't be too fond of you, if he didn't trust you. My guess is, he's relieved he doesn't have to worry anymore.
I've known some people who followed their exes online for years. They trip, or go into depression, when they see them dating; or appear to be in new relationships with other people. That nasty old jealousy kicks-in; and you'll delude yourself, by telling yourself maybe he wasn't so bad. Yes he was! It hurts to see him okay with somebody else. What you wrote about him in your post doesn't indicate there's much to be missing about the guy. He seems like a total douche and a nutcase. Jealousy out of "possessiveness" is more akin to hate than love, my dear. You don't own other people like property. He had a serious problem! You may have an issue comprehending what love is.
You must have lowered your standards back in those days; and desperately attached your feelings to someone bad for you. You continued to hold-on even when he was stacking-up all sorts of red-flags against himself! If you have a low sense of self-esteem, have depreciated your self-worth, or you don't date much; you may become a victim of "Recycled-Exes Syndrome," or RES!!! You may never actually contact him, but you'll keep ruminating and reminiscing over the old-memories. Stuck in the past. Unable to move forward, or connect romantically with other men. That thought just gave me ~~shivers~~!!! He was a poop-head!
Do you suffer the following symptoms? (1) You'll find yourself tempted to make contact. (2) You send him messages through social media on his birthday and holidays. (3) You keep track of his mother's, or kid's (with other women) birthdays. (4) You hold-on to the anniversary-date of your deceased-relationship. (5) His pictures are still on your social media accounts. (6) You keep all his old contacts as your contacts. (7) You still hangout with his friends or relatives. (8) Worst of the worst, you feel tempted to stalk him!
If you are...that is soooooo pathetic and unhealthy! Please stop, if you're doing any of this!
I just want to choke people I know who insist on lamenting over those hot-messes for exes they've finally purged from their lives. Ugh!!!
I don't want to know anything about anybody I have to label an "ex." What's over is over.
Time to kickstart your own love-life. You wouldn't have time to be thinking about his, if you had a life of your own. If you've got somebody now, and you're still thinking of him. That's an awful thing to do to someone who cares for you. They don't deserve that. Especially, over somebody terrible!!!
My dear, it's time to move on. You can if you want to. It won't take amnesia. Just your will to let-go.
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (23 September 2021):
 We all have a past, and we all have had relationships that we look back on, some with good memories, some with not so good memories.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet there, and your lucky to be out of this relationship, keep telling yourself how lucky you are not to be with him anymore.
Next time thoughts of him come into your head, just tell yourself he's a loser and how fortunate you are to be out of it.
Find yourself distractions, a walk in nature, some excersise pehaps, or a new hobby, or even a new relationship.
We all have control of the thoughts that we think, just chose a better feeling thought when he comes into your mind.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 September 2021):
 It's hard for us to say, OP
That is something YOU perhaps need to take a ponder on.
I can give you some guesses though. To get you started.
1. It can be that you are in a way punishing yourself for having PICKED and DATED this guy. So you ruminate over all the shit that he did and you went through because of him. You know (now) and (perhaps then) that you were ignoring a lot of red flags. It was traumatic for you.
2. You haven't let go. Some people like to hold on to a past negative relationship to AVOID getting into a new one. Out of worry or fear that they will end up with someone as bad as the last or worse.
3. You don't think you deserve better.
4. That relationship is PART of your life. 5 years of your life. IT might always rattle around in your brain because you lived it.
5. You keep thinking about him because you never really worked through what in the World happened.
There are probably many other reasons as to why. At some point though, you might realize that the longer you spend thinking about this guy, the longer he lives rent-free in your head.
Does it help you in your day-to-day to think about it?
My advice?
Take a couple of weeks to journal everything that pops into your head when you think of him. Just write it down.
Then later read it back to yourself. Take responsibility for your actions or participation and then actively SHUT thoughts of him down when they pop up. You know like a memory of something cringe you did 25 years ago. Just go, nope, and yeet those thoughts out. No need to let him stick around in the attic.
You aren't going to be able to erase or forget trauma. And this relationship WAS probably traumatic for you. You CAN, however, take control of WHETHER you want to go over and over things you can't change. Like, dating him in the past and all the crap that came with that.
Why not think of future endeavors? Travels or goals and work on those in your head?
If all that doesn't work, perhaps talk to a therapist. It could be that you are making a pattern of ruminating and can't let go without some help.
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