A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’m in a 3 and a half years relationship with my now fiancé, who I met when he was stationed in the same country where I was working. We have been through many ups and downs in our relationship but we seem to be more stable now than we used to. His family is wonderful and we get along really well.I’m in my early 30s, never been married, no kids; and he is in his 40s, previously married with kids. Currently, I’m in between jobs while waiting for my immigration to complete for medical/healthcare related job in the US, I have a college degree and my profession pays well in the states. Fiancé is retired from the military, but since he is just a high school graduate he had to start at a low pay grade in the government. For now he supports me while I’m here in the states, on top of child support and other bills and utilities. Financially we are comfortable, but don’t have a lot of disposable income. However, when I start working I can bring in twice his current salary, based on the pay written on my contract with my hospital here in the states.We talked about getting married before, but for some reason this hasn’t been brought up anymore. I am ready and want to before I’m too old to have children of my own.I always wonder how other couples tie the knot even just after a few months of dating. We have been through a long distance relationship for almost 2 years and he doesn’t seem too keen on closing the distance.Many people always ask us why we don’t just get married (go to a court house and worry about a big wedding later) so we don’t have to be far from each other anymore, that way I won’t have to wait for the long immigration process for a work-based immigrant visa, so I can legally start working. And what they say makes sense. I always don’t know what to say to these people because it’s not up to me.I feel like I’m in a limbo not knowing what his plan is, I tried to talk to him but all he says is he’s saving for a wedding. I don’t know how long that will take, but I am more than willing to pay for most of the wedding expenses once I have enough money. I get upset over the fact that he doesn’t seem to have a plan about us. I feel like he doesn’t even consider my current situation.Right now I have been looking at jobs in other country, while waiting on my immigration process to complete, as it takes longer for the type of visa my hospital is petitioning me for. He knows about this but doesn’t seem to care either. He seems fine to have another year or two of long distance relationship again. I am upset and told him I’m tired of the situation, but he doesn’t even approach me. He never does, I am always the one to approach him when he’s upset or when I’m upset.I don’t know if I made the right decision to be with this man. Some friends would always tell me how I can find someone better, and I somehow believe them. I’ve been told I’m attractive; I have a degree, no crazy ex, no kids, and I can cook well. He drinks, has a beer belly, not too fit, and has to pay child support. I see past all his short comings because I honestly love him. Sometimes I tell myself if he lets me slip through his fingers then someone else will find me.What could be the problem? I’m engaged forever but not married.Some days I wonder, how other men spend thousands on a ‘fiance visa’ or a ‘spouse visa’ just to get their lady to the states. Some of these women they petition don’t even have jobs, no degree, they come to the US to be housewives. That alone makes me insecure, that despite what I have to offer, I don’t seem worthy enough in his eyes. I don’t know what he wants or what is reservations are. I don’t know how long I have to wait since Im not getting any younger. I don’t know if I should stay in this relationship or go.
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engaged, insecure, long distance, military, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (28 August 2017):
Dear OP,
Like you mention, he has all the time of the world to get married, but you don't have that much time if you want kids.
Tell him that you want a courthouse marriage, NOW, and that you can't wait 1 more year in the limbo, or wait 2 more years working in your country.
Set a date in the near future, 2 or 4 months.
You should not care if he wants the big and perfect wedding he never had. You guys need to get married soon. 4 years is a lot of time for waiting, and waiting 2 more years is a lot.
IMHO, he is not that into you.
You sound like a hard working woman, and a worthy human being, that is doing everything she can to be with the man she loves, yet your fiance is not seeing all the amount of sacrifice and effort you have put this far.
At the age you are, people shouldn't hesitate for 2 years just to get married.
When a man really loves a woman, he moves earth, wind, fire, and sea to be with the woman of his life.
The man in the relationship making the sacrifices too, not just the woman.
Honestly, in your case, I don't see nor sense that deep desire from him to be close to you. I could be completely wrong with such short amount of information here, but, you only have the whole facts.
A man that really loves his woman would not allow 2 years go by without being with her woman.
On my case, I have a LDR, and 1 month it's a lot, and 3 months is like an eternity.
Please, you need to take off your pink stained glasses, and see the facts in a cold way, and see the red flags and the signs if this man is really into you.
If you don't see or feel the love and interest from him, then you are in a one sided relationship, and you should move on.
Best luck!
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 August 2017):
 Right, I completely get where you're coming from and your frustrations are understandable but what's his side of the story? Say for instance why did he get divorced? How old are the kids?
I don't think that he wants to get married again and I think he's just drifting along. You obviously are more eager to start a new life whereas for him it's been a more of a been there, done that situation.
You also (and maybe rightly so because you're a high achiever) sound bitter about the fact that you're better than him and that he should be grateful to have you in his life. I hope you realize that this is just how you think and it probably hasn't even crossed his mind. Like most people, he lives in his own island and gives himself a lot of importance. You might think you're a catch for him but maybe he thinks that he's a great catch for you and that's why you, a much younger girl who's never been married, has a great career in front of her, manages a home and work, brings in good money... If you are still chasing him then my God he must be something!
As regards your frustrations regarding the housewives who are kept on a pedestal by their husbands, I think that women who play the victim and the damsel in distress really get a lot of sympathy from men. I find it very strange really but somehow men- husbands, partners- seem to love it when a woman is dependent on them. They will pamper such women no end and attend to their every need because she makes him feel needed and like a "man" who provides for her.
You on the other hand are the stronger, better person in the relationship. You're proactive, you're ambitious, you're young, you have a promising career ahead of you, you're gifted, talented, and basically the complete package. I'm sure he thinks, what do you need him for?
I don't think you should invest too much in this guy. You can do better. Much much better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Riot, thank you for your input. I have tried talking to him. I did ask when we were getting married and he said MAYBE next year when he has enough saved, and this is contrary to what he originally suggested that we do a courthouse wedding first. Every time he senses that I am about to ask him something, he heaves a sigh as if irritated that I am about to ask the same thing again. So I stop myself to avoid fights.
It is indeed weird how everyone sees that getting married will solve most of the issues-- my residence status in the US which then mean I can start working which can greatly improve our finances, also we will no longer be apart. Everyone sees it that way but him.
I don't know if he is seeing someone. But I'm leaning towards he isn't 100% sure about me. We haven't been talking for days now, clearly I'm upset but all he does is try to have small talks as if everything is fine. I sent him a message tell him how I feel and that I want to go back home and once I walk out the door that will be it. But he completely ignored it. I know from the start that communication isn't his strongest suit and we have had problems about that, and it is getting exhausting that I always have to make the first move.
I don't know what to do anymore. His actions show he doesn't care.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017 +, writes (25 August 2017):
Hello OP.You need to seat down with your man, and talk this through, no excuses, no interruptions, no BUTs, no anything.You both need to talk about what the the near future is going to be for both of you. Yes, you are his fiance, but you can't be in the limbo forever. You want to start a family before it's too late, so you should make your move now before it's too late.Ask him when are you getting married, get a date from him in the near future. If he is not able to meet that deadline, you must move on for your own sake. I know this is very extreme, but you need to take hands on your own destiny now.Your long waiting for a visa could have easily be solved with him being married to you. Also, the net income of both would have improved the moment you started working on the US.It's very weird for me this situation, since he has the solutions for many of the problems you have at his hands, yet he does nothing.Could he be seeing someone else? Or cold he be not 100% sure about marrying with you? You need to ask and find out the TRUTH.Best luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Cindy. I suppose the main issue here is time and uncertainty. Yes i had been proposed to and have the engagement ring on my finger but that's just about it. The date is still unknown so perhaps maybe that ring was just to shut me up so he can string me along longer. Its very sad thinking about it. I keep telling myself if I was a man it would probably not bother me as much because I can still have children of my own past the age of 40 if I want to.I agree with the financial issue, he wanted that wedding he never had on his first marriage. Of course I want the same but shouldnt he want me enough to try and close the distance the soonest? Im more upset over the fact that he wont even talk to me about it despite seeing me clearly upset. Feels like I wasted the last 4 years of my life on the wrong person who has no plan whatsoever to be with me and I am stupid enough to still be here.I had no intention of migrating, but he gave me a lot cr*p for not trying to get a job here so I did. Once he found out I resigned from my last job, he asked to come here before I head back home, but on the day of my flight, he told me not to go so we can get married and just do my paperworks so we dont have to be apart. But few weeks ago after he found out I have been applying somewhere else (just incase/just something to do instead of staying home and just doing chores/while immigration papers arent done), he said maybe I can go back to work and save up too. Which will mean another 2 years of being away. Why the change of heart? I dont know and couldn't ask him out of self respect. I cant help not compare myself to other girls who seems worthy, my self worth is at its lowest now.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 August 2017):
 The post title is misleading- you are not engaged. Engaged is when you have a plan and a time set for getting married; I don't mean a specific date " June 12th, 2019 "- but at least, " as soon as I graduate " or " as soon as we have the down payment for a house ". So far you have just been vaguely talking about a possible future scenario, but nothing specific. Why ? well, for the basic reason why anybody in the world avoids doing a certain X thing : because they do noy want to. I am not saying he is stringing you along, I have no elements to say that- but obviously, as you have noticed, he is neither ready nor willing.
It could be just the financial part, though- he is a mature man, and by a certain point on, practical, financial considerations may take over vs. passion and impulses. Maybe he is just good at delaying gratification. If he's got a low paying job, and he must pay child support, AND support you while you visit, since you are not working yet- I can see how he would be prudent. Something may always go wrong ( hopefully not, of course ) with your visa or with your job or your plans- and he does not want to get stuck with the full responsibility for another adult. Probably, from his point of view, it makes more sense that you finish on yur own your immigration process, -not only, but that you get settled in your new job and save up some money, so that you can contribute to the costs of the wedding, or for relocating, or any unplanned evenience, like a job termination. It's true that some men spend thousands on a fiancee' visa, but I doubt that they would be entry-level workers with a family to raise; ( and if they are - they are also damn fools : love does not necessarily mean making reckless choices ).
These may sound like depressing considerations, but they do not have to be necessarly be, in your case. Put yourself at the center of your life. You 'd want to emigrate to USA anyway, right ? You still do want to work in the healthcare sector, make very good money, and maybe advance in your career as much as you can. In other words, your are doing ( or should be doing ) this for yourself. The fact that you have an American bf is just an added bonus. I'd say, go ahead with your plan, ( so, btw, you'll owe your visa, and your financial wellbeing, to nobody else but yourself, and that's a bonus too ). See how things go, see if you really get along with this guy ( from long distance everybody is wonderful and every love is everlasting. Then some times, reality does not live up to expectations ). See if he means business, marriagewise, once that you are more solid financially and professionaly. If at any point of this process of assessment he falls short and you change your mind- it is true that there are plenty of guys who could snatch you from him. But I don't see why they could not be other American guys ( or , anyway guys who live in America )- and since YOUR plan was to come and work in USA ,
I don't see how you would have much to lose.
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