A
female
age
41-50,
*onfusedstate74
writes:Hello, A while ago I put a couple of posts on here one about my relationship and one aboutloving my friend.I'm still struggling and just needed to tell someone.I've been in a relationship for 15 years, engaged for 13!? For a long time I've been feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. Ive tried over the years to sort this out but every time he says he'll help me more etc it never happens. I've let him walk all over me basically, he's not a bad person but I guess I did it for an easier life (that worked!?)I spoke to him in November again and he said he'd try, again that didn't happen so I spoke again a few weeks ago. He got very upset as I said it's making me miserable and sometimes I feel like I want to die....I actually don't but I think sometimes you can feel like that. He said he wanted to make it work and was so upset that i didn't pursue it any further. Again he's acting like nothing ever happened! I know I need the strength to tell him this isn't good enough. He said were more like brother and sister which I's true.My other problem is that I've had feelings for one of my friends for two years now...been in love with him for about 9 months. I feel terribble about it, he knows my feelings and he feels the same but won't be involved with someone in a relationship. Plus I wouldn't do this either. He says he only wants me to be happy, we chatted last night and he was trying to put me off him but I can't change how I feel. He said the grass isn't greener etc but I replied yes but sometimes it could be surely, maybe it's what I need. He doesn't think he's worth the hassle, he definitely is. The more things carry on the same with my fiance the more I think about him and what could be! People say lifes too short and I see it all the time...I don't want to hurt my fiance but I'm feeling pretty hurt myself.
View related questions:
engaged, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Confusedstate74 +, writes (6 July 2012):
Confusedstate74 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much! Youre all right, it can't go on like this. Can't be fed up for the rest of my life. One of my friends said that I had two options, put up with forever or do something about it! It's hard to know when to say enough is enough, I need to be a stronger person! My fiance is a good person, it's just resentment has built up over time and I can't see it changing. I'm 38 next week and am scared that I'll be in this situation forever and am wasting my life.
Another friend tried to stage an intervention between me and my male friend a few nights ago, we didn't sort anything out. They wanted us to try and work it out because were both unhappy. He does want to be with me but not whilst I'm in a relationship and it's really getting him down. I don't want to make him unhappy so need to leave it alone. Then I guess one day if its meant to be and things dont go well with my fiance, we could try....dont want him to wait for me, that's not fair on him.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 You have been way too patient.
Here is my take on committment
1. If guys are serious they often know in the first three months if they perceive that this girl is the one.
2. Guys who are really serious will want you to meet their folks. I even know one guy whose first date with his (now) wife was to take her to meet the folks at a family (cousin) wedding where he also wanted to introduce her to HIS family.
3. When guys are serious they will become more and more committed not less and less committed over the first twelve months
4. Often a guy will propose marriage in the first year.
5. And a proposed date for the marriage WILL be SET at the same time he proposes to become engaged.
6. If you are still engaged after TWO years then his interest is waning.
7. After two years engagement and NO MARRIAGE date set and NO BOOKINGS made for the marriage venue etc then his interest his waning
8. When he reneges on plans his interests is going DOWNHILL FAST
Please drop this guy. He has already wasted far too much of your time.
And you deserve long term committed happiness.
He is too wishy washy to be genuine.
You DO deserve a Genuine guy who is not commitment phobic.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 June 2012):
 I agree with some of the other answerers here. 13 years of engagement? You've got to be kidding. Sadly, it sounds like you've been strung along for 13 years.
I think at this point it is time to take stock of your relationship. I sense, reading between the lines, that you want out of this relationship, you want to explore a new relationship and that you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or risk losing your so-called fiancee. Unfortunately, you can't have your cake and eat it too.
No one can make the decision for you. If I were you, I'd take some personal time and really think about how you feel about the man you are with and whether you are truly meant to be. I know you've invested a good amount of time in this relationship and it is hard to let go of that investment. But also consider your feelings for him. Staying with him solely because you don't want to hurt him, ultimately cheats YOU and HIM.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Confusedstate74 +, writes (16 June 2012):
Confusedstate74 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. I know you're right about my fiance. I guess I've been too scared to do anything about it and kidding myself! He's not a bad guy but the more I put up with it the more I resent him.
It's scary because we live together and I don't think he could manage on his own with the mortgage etc whilst I believe I could! In our recent conversation whilst being upset he was understanding and said he could leave....but if it came down to it I'm not so sure he'd be so reasonable about it.
My friend does love me, he actually wants me to live with him which sounds great but I think maybe iwe should take things a bit slower than that!
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 June 2012):
 You win the "Rip Van Winkle" award for someone who has been asleep the longest......
13 years???? .... and you still holding out hope that something - ANYTHING - is going to change?????
C'mon... now that you're awake, act like it.... and GET AWAY FROM THIS GUY!!!!!
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 June 2012):
 13 years engaged and feeling unappreciated.
Time to decide if you are prepared to be engaged for a further 13 years to to take control of your own life.
End the engagement, but to be honest I feel your friend may not step up to the mark once you are single. It may be time to stand on your own two feet as an independant person, and rely only on yourself for a time while you sort yourself out.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 June 2012):
Engaged for 13 years!
I'm afraid you're right, this relationship isn't going anywhere. Definitely time to move him on.
As for the friend, he's making it clear that he's not interested in you whilst your with your fiance, and to be honest you can't count that he'd be interested even if you were single.
Time to take control. Your current relationship has well and truly run its course, and I think you would really benefit from being single so you can get your life back on track.
Good luck!
...............................
|
