A
female
age
51-59,
*atientMiss
writes:I have been dating a man for over 6 years. I am divorced - he is not although he has been separated for 7 years. My issue is that every Xmas I am by myself for most of the day, while he flys with his ex and their 3 kids to spend Xmas with both her family and his. I also have 3 kids, and my ex and I split the Xmas day, alternating each year. He has a new fiancé so they enjoy Xmas with her family, and also spend time with me. Last year they were with me for the morning, before their dad collected them at 11am. Was lovely to have them for pressie opening! My boyfriend flew out Xmas eve .. so I spent from 11am on Xmas day alone - which was just so sad. My kids are 12,14 and 15. His are 16,18 and 21. He says he spends Xmas with the ex for the kids, I understand that, I just think that I could be invited too. It hurts to be excluded. When we started dating he didn't want to tell his kids, my oldest and his youngest are good friends do it meant I couldn't tell mine either. This went on for 4 years! They now all know and are happy for us. last week however was the first nIght I have slept at his while his kids were there. He stays with me and my kids all the time. He just hasn't been comfortable with me staying at his in case his kids don't like it!!!He has come with me to spend a week in my HOhometown staying with my parents - they welcome him with open arms. But he hasn't taken me to his hometown. His parents are visiting now ... so he is going out for dinner with them, his kids and his ex - I am not invited! He has offered we could do a lunch with the two of us and his parents though!I feel like I have been the most patient girl on the planet. He says he loves me, but I feel like a mistress. He was married for 20 years so I get there is a close family tie, but I am his partner now. It's time he got the divorce, sold the house, and sent the message that I am in his life too! Am I right or am I just being insecure?I am not worried that he will go back to his ex - I just want him to move on, I want to be included in all parts of his life.
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divorce, his ex, insecure, mistress, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): I'm afraid I think 7 years is absolutely long enough for you to be included in family (extended or otherwise) occasions. To leave you out of family meals but to go with his ex is quite honestly ridiculous at this stage. You must feel very isolated and let down - not to mention rejected. My advice is simple. If you have asked to be included and explained your hurt and that it is making you unhappy to your partner then why does he continue to hurt you and make you upset? Stop involving him in your family occasions and go on your own. When he asks why he is not invited you can tell him, calmly, that as a result of you being excluded from everything he does then it does not make sense for you to include him. Otherwise he is having his cake and eating it... and you are missing out. Your family sound very supportive so I would explain what you are doing and why to them. Perhaps when he actually physically and mentally feels what it is like to be excluded then he will finally 'get it'. If not then I think you have some serious thinking to do about your relationship. I would not put up with that.
A
female
reader, PatientMiss +, writes (12 April 2013):
PatientMiss is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks cindycares .. you are right .. blending families is complicated. I have invited my ex and his GF, not to Christmas as she has a large family and it's just me at my end - but included her in birthday celebrations for my daughter. I guess the hard thing for me at Christmas is I get so lonely, and really want to share the day with him.We have not talked about marriage .. I'm not sure that's even what I want, except I'd like him to divorce which sends a message to his ex and his family that their relationship is over. I think I am his chosen one, it just doesn't feel like it sometimes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): He is a coward. He is too afraid to show his extended family he truth which is that he and his wife are really not together anymore and he has a new love interest. By doing Christmas with his wife for the sake of his kids and their extended families he is LYING to them all. There is no honor in this. Doing it for the kids is a load of bull. He is simply too scared to man up and represent the truth. I question if you should continue this so called relationship because after 6 years and still like this will it ever end or will he always want to keep up the facade of his marriage and keep you his dirty secret? He is stringing you along. If his actions don't match his words its time to find a different man who will have more integrity. Don't continue to accept this treatment. Give him a heads up that unless he makes some changes you are walking out of this non -relationship.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 April 2013):
 In part I tend to agree with sugarplum786, but I am perhaps less sanguine, I mean, there ARE difficulties and awkward moments in dealing with extended families. In an ideal world of civility and mutual good will, yes, you would be included in celebrating Xmas with him, his kids, his ex wife and ex in-laws, but maybe she feels uncomfortable, even if there are absolutely no lingering feelings. By the same token, you should also complain that you have not been invited to share Xmas from 11 a.m. on with YOUR ex husband and his new partner, no ? What's the difference ? In fact, maybe you should have invited YOUR ex and his new gf to join you and celebrate Xmas all together. But that does not happen either and you find it normal. ... The fact is that blending families is always a bit tricky and some people are best at it than others.
Said that, though, 6 years is a long time for just dating , particularly since you are way past your 20s, you don't have to figure out your future, careers, what you want in life, etc. He's been separated 7 years, everybody knows about you, everybody's happy... so what's the problem, why aren't you planning of getting married, or at least of living together ? Why after 6 years you are still stuck with " sleepovers " as if you still were students ?
Does he see you in his future, is he committed to you, has he CHOSEN you from now on,... or are you just good enough until something better shows up ? Are you Miss Right or Miss Right Now ?
THAT you should worry about, and should make absolutely clarity about, not the technicalities of who spends Xmas where.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (12 April 2013):
 Hi, you remain the other woman and although they are seperated , where it counts they remain family.
His kids are old enough and its an excuse that he does not want to hurt them. You need to learn that you are worth more than the crumbs that he throws your way. SO are you prepared to go through the rest of your life spending Christmas alone while he plays house with his wife and kids.
Does he plan to get a divorce and marry you. You are just sex and time spent, nothing more. Sorry to be harsh, but actions speak louder than words.
You are wasting your time and being treated as the mistress. Remember you deserve better and you are no body doormat. Walking away from any relationship is hard, but we survive and get over it, its a question of when you want to accept reality you are his mistress and will remain so until you make the decision.
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