A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been celibate for 5 years and I have been trying like mad to figure out why I can no longer attract men! I never used to have this problem - I had plenty of boyfriends and relationships throughout my 20's. I broke up with a long term partner in 2001 and tried to get back into dating again but after a couple of unsatisfactory years I decided to take a break from men and concentrate on myself. I had a brilliant time, widened my circle of friends, took up more leisure activities and generally became more confident and independent. About 3 years ago I felt ready to start dating again but have not been able to meet anyone. I don't get bored or lonely but I do miss the physical side of relationships and they're fun.I have tried speed dating (which was excellent fun and I would highly recommend) but every time came away with no matches or matches who never got back in touch with me. I have also tried internet dating which has been not quite as fun as there appear to be quite a few fakes out there and it costs quite a bit of money to keep up regularly. Most of the time I exchange messages with a guy which just fizzle away after a couple of weeks. There is little chance of meeting anyone through work as almost all my colleagues are women and the workforce is quite static. I have met plenty of men through my social activities but whenever I think that things are going very well they usually suddenly admit how much they fancy a mutual acquaintance of ours and ask my advice! I simply become their good friend...... This has happened 5 times in the last year and it's really beginning to get me down.I can't work out what the problem is. I am quite attractive. I don't smell or have bad breath according to close friends. I am not needy or dependent. I am intelligent and a good conversationalist. I am financially secure. The only thing I can think of is that I give out the wrong vibe but that's very hard to change if I don't know what the vibe is! One friend tells me I'm not flirtatious enough but I do my best short of acting like a complete hussy. Other friends tell me it's because I'm too independent and guys like to feel that they can take care of a woman.Maybe I can't analyse myself out of this one and it's just bad luck - but that's even worse cos there's absolutely nothing I can do about luck!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2009): keep enjoying yourself and spicing up life.
its a possibility the guys you meet might feel like they cannot keep up.
its like some women have no problem dating men who have a wider array of experiences than they.
but quite a few men like to be more well traveled, more socially active, more educated, etc than the women they date.
so the guys, after getting to know you could be intimidated.
happens to a lot of women I know.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): Sometimes, inadvertantly, and even though we appear confident, it is also possible to be masking low self esteem and that can affect how we attract people to us. Low self esteem can manifest in many different ways and if we ,deep down, feel unworthy it makes us indirectly repel potential suitors.You seem like you have a very active and full life, you are involved in lots of interests and seem very independant. Your friends are right when they say men are not attracted to very independant women, this can be true but also for a lot of men out there, this wouldnt be a problem. Sometimes being too independant gives the impression we don't need anyone else, so try not to give the 'vibe' that you are completely in control of everything. Men are fixers, it makes them happy if they think we need their help with problems, so try being a damsel in distress sometimes.You say in the last year you were attracted to people you had met but they ended up with other people? At some point you obviously felt some attraction towards these men and you felt that things up to a certain point were going well. You must have been having designs on them at some level but then they suddenly diverted their attentions to other women? Some people, whether they know it or not inadvertently, and with the intention of getting closer to a potential mate, push them away in the hope they will come rushing back in and start making all the moves. This approach may work with some men who are very confident about themselves and are really extremely attracted to you, but other men can be a little shy about making the first move, perhaps for fear of rejection.I think that you yourself fear rejection so perhaps, by pushing these men away, you are using a reverse psychology approach in the hopes that if and when the guy does make his move on you, then you will know he is really serious. Unfortunately in your case, this hasnt paid off (and 5 times in your case sadly). Sometimes at the start of any potential relationship, and once it has passed a certain ' more than friends' point you HAVE to state your needs. If your attracted to someone, you need to indicate to them that that is the case...and your friends are right YOU DO HAVE TO FLIRT, even if it is just subtle. The real art of dating or attracting men is to give them a clear signal that your interested, thus negating their fear of rejection, then allow them to make their move on you, whilst maintaining that you are very interested in their subsequent advances. That said, a man will ONLY take up your lead if he TRULY finds you attractive. Its kind of lame but you have to stroke their ego and make them feel good about themselves in order for them to take your initial advances seriously. When you reach this early point, do not withdraw, thinking he will come chasing after you, he won't, he will just think you changed your mind or went off him. This will reignite his fear of rejection and he will turn his attentions to other women. You have to give a clear signal that you are ' interested in more than friendship' without, of course being a total stalker.I think you need to perfect your flirtation techniques, maybe study a little body language and use what you learn, the next time you meet someone you would like to have a relationship with. Be complimentary and flirty and get that message across, maintain your interest in that person and if they do appear to drift towards someone else, let them know that you are dissapointed that you didn't get the chance to take things further...that way they might give you a second chance. You had success with men in your 20's but maybe you just lack a little confidence in yourself now, but that is easily regained. Just be the best you can, open your heart and take a few risks. To love is to risk rejection, but without facing the fear of rejection...we cant have love.Also, there are many dating sites online now that are free for women. Girls date for free and plenty of fish are two that come to mind and are UK based, so perhaps try those...and work on that flirting!!!with love xxx
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (29 August 2008):
 Hey I reakon you just haven't met the right person yet!
I'm the opposite where I meet shed loads of guys, yet dont want anything physical til I am in a relationship, and because they dont float my boat in other ways, i dont persue the 'relationship'
Sounds like you're doing the right things, just not met anyone suitable yet.
Just go with the flow and keep doing what you're doing, and fate will deal you a good hand before you know it I bet!
C xxxx
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