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anonymous
writes: I'm not sure that I can cope any more. I was attacked 3 weeks ago by my partner and substained some serious injuries. I had six stitches to my eye and lost my front tooth which I've had to have replaced by a false one. I thought that it was going to go to domestic violence court which was bad enough, now because of my injuries it's moved up to the Crown Court because he can get a longer sentence, and now I feel scared. I've never been to court before and to go straight to Judge and Jury is so hard. I'm going to have to tell 12 strangers what happened in my life on the night of the attack, live through it all again, as if living with the memories wasn't bad enough I have to look at my scars in the mirror every day and have to put my tooth in every day.I'm really scared. I was scared enough when they said that he might get a fine for Actual Bodily Harm, now it looks like he will get a prison sentence and in one way I will be glad and relieved that he has got that so that me and my kids (13+12) can move away and move on from this, but I'm also scared that no one in the court will believe me (he has told everyone that I attacked him and he pulled out my hair in self defense and then i fell into a wall resulting in the injuries). Because he is such a good liar I feel that although all the evidence is there (the police took photos at the scene and my hair is on the floor, there are photos of the blood and then the photos of my face with all the medical proof like my eye, tooth and head looking like a baseball) I'm just so scared he will get off and come looking for me, and that if he is found guilty that he will get someone to hurt me or the kids.I know that I have to be strong and do this, not just for justice for me but all women that may come into contact with him. I know he is a coward for hitting me from behind but I want him to suffer how I have suffered over the last 3 weeks. I feel so ugly with my scar and my tooth and the way I've lost so much weight (15 lbs in a week - I'm now down to a UK size 6 UK).Can anyone help me and tell me what its like to go through a court case? I'm starting to feel so angry at him now but it's all coming out at the wrong people. I'm fighting with my mom, I'm starting to flare up at people that have only been supportive to me but I cant help myself. I need someone to help me! I can't cope with these feelings. I wanted to hang myself the other day cause it got too much, this is how intense the feelings have got. I can't live like this. If you think you can help please answer.
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female
reader, chrissies  +, writes (10 October 2007):
 oh my dear dear friend as you speak i am crying so much for you,i have been in a very extremely violent relationship that lasted 7 years,all of which i was trying to run from place to place to escape,near the end he put a pint glass in my face and nearly killed me,i am lucky to be ALIVE scar or not,he was charged with wounding with intent to kill and served 4 years of which i am now FREE off,i can tell you what it is like,it is good it is going to crown court that means you ARE being taken seriosly,i also was very very frightened,but what's more frigthning the court or your DEATH,be brave you have a friend in me if you need or want that i will be as helpfull as i can.i did nt also want to face him in court or all the over people.Go to the doctor and ask him to write a letter stating that you are to frightened to see him in court and that you wish it to be done via VIDEO LINK,he should give you this at no cost, if he doesn't go to another doctor and get one.There really should be no problem for them to give you this, at no cost. Tell the police officer who is dealing with the case that you want it to be via VIDEO LINK and why,give the dealing officer your doctors letter(do get photo copy for your self)and tell him to pass it a s a p to the crown prosecution,there are the ones who need it.the crown prosecution should 'nt really have any problem doing this for you as it is a serious case, they do take your feelings into consideration PLUS you have a doctors letter.if all else fails, which it really should'nt, talk to a solicitor and tell them to get this done for you.i did this and what happens is, you do go to court,but you will not see him and will enter throught the back enterance of the buliding,when its time for you to stand in court,what will happens is.you are taken into a small room with a small tele on your owm and all you can see is the judges who ask you questions and you reply via i vidoe link with vioce control.it will make you feel so very less frightened and stand your ground be as straight as they are when questioning you.this way you WILL NOT SEE HIM OR ANY ONE ELSE IN THE COURT ,ONLY THE JUDGE AND THE PROSECUTION,THATS ALL AND IT ISN'T USUALLY THAT LONG,my ex lied to and said it was me,but i told the true and thats all that matters,and i still was'nt in the vidoe room long,justice wiil be done,please please this is your LIFE OR DEATH you may be looking at here,you also have teenager like my self,live for them,you have to fight,you have to find strenght for YOU AND FOR YOUR LOVELY CHILDREN,YOU CAN DO IT ,I KNOW YOU CAN, YOU HAVE GOT HIM REPORTED NOW DON'T LET HIM THINK HE CAN DO THIS TO YOU,IF YOU NEED ANYMORE HELP, ADVICE ON PLACES AND PEOLPLE FOR HELP I HAVE QUITE A FEW REALYY GOOD PLACES OF HELP,ALSO PLACES OF REFUGE IF NEEDED,IF YOU CAN TALK TO ALL THESE STRANGES ON HERE AND TELL THEM YOUR STORY, THEN I KNOW YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH TO GO THROUGH THIS.ALSO GO TO YOUR LOCAL VICTIM SUPPORT THEY CAN HELP YOU IN COURT THEY HAVE VERY FRIENDLY PEOPLE WHO WILL GO WITH YOU AND SUPPORT YOU ALL THE WAY.PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT HESISTATE TO CONTACT ME IF YOU EVERY NEED A FRIEND.ALL MY LOVE AND MORE TO YOU MY DEAR DEAR FRIEND XXXX
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2007): I have also been injured by my partner although it never went as far as your injuries he broke three of my teeth and until it is done to you nobody can imagine what it does to you on the inside - your esteem and feelings of self worth. You are going through a terrible terrible time in your life but please realise if for no other reason do this for the other women out there that don't have your courage and for your children who will learn a great lesson from you - that you do NOT accept violence and abuse in a relationship. I admire you and have the greatest respect for what you have done so far. I lied to my dentist and said I'd injured myself windsurfing of all things. I'm not sure he believed me as there was a long silence when I told him. You are absolutely right to be angry and this is normal and I hope you can find someone, possibly from Womens Aid? who could help you and support you through this. We have some great charities in the UK and you deserve every inch of support and follow up counselling you can get - take it with open arms. See this as the start of your future - a different one.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2007): There is NO way that anyone is going to believe that you "fell into a wall" no matter how good of a liar he is. With your injuries, he will get severly punished. All I can say is tell the truth, be brave. I know you're going through hell right now and you don't see this getting better but it will in time. And about you wanting to hang yourself..if you do that who will your children have? You have to be strong for them. What I would suggest to keep yourself safe is to move if possible, and get some protection. I have a rifle and a pit bull because I am afraid of my ex boyfriend. If you can get a dog to alert you of any intruder in the house & a gun, that in my opinion would be a relief to you. If you can swing it, get an alarm system installed as well. The law should have some kind of restraining order against him so that he is unable to come near you & if he does, he will get put back into prison. If not, look into that. It is going to be a lot on your mind for quite a while but as the wounds heal, and time passes & he is locked up, I believe you will grow stronger from this experience. Good luck & keep your head up. It will be alright in the end.
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female
reader, flower girl +, writes (6 October 2007):
 I'm afraid i can not offer you any advice because as i don't know what country you are from i have no idea on the legal proceedings, but you should discuss any worries you have with the officer leading this.
What i would like to say though is Well Done You, for standing up to this arsehole and not letting him get away with it you should be very proud of yourself.
Take care of you and your children and i wish you all the best.xx.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2007): I very nearly wept myself when I read this.
Just remember that you are the victim, not the aggressor. Any man who does this to a woman has no right to call himself a man. He's a spineless bastard, pure and simple.
There is no jury on Earth that could possibly believe that your injuries were caused by him acting in self-defence.
All you have to do when giving evidence is to tell the truth. It's a nerve-wracking experience, but you'll get through it. You will be talked through the procedure before you actually go into the witness box. Arrange a visit to the courtroom beforehand so that you know what the layout of the place is, so that it won't be a frightening start to the proceedings. The police should be able to arrange this for you. If you have a police liaison officer get in touch with him or her.
Stay angry and the truth will show through his lies and his contention that this was self-defence.
It's not unusual to take out your anger on those close to you, but I'm sure they have some idea of what you must be going through at the moment and they will stand by you through thick and thin.
This animal needs locking up for a very long time, and I sincerely hope that he gets what is coming to him. Other prisoners do not take kindly to this sort of behaviour. Whatever you do, press charges. Do not under any circumstances back out and withdraw charges.
If you don't have a solicitor, go and find one and have an injunction taken out against him so that if he comes anywhere near you he'll be immediately taken off to prison for breaking the injunction. The Citizens' Advice Bureau will put you in touch with a solicitor who has this kind of experience. Do it as soon as you can.
If possible take the kids to another address until this gets to court so that he can't find you, which should ease your anxiety. There are refuges where you can go and hide with your kids if necessary. Again, the police or the CAB will point you in the right direction.
Feel free to send me a private message if you feel the need.
This has made me SO angry.
Phil
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female
reader, bemused  +, writes (6 October 2007):
 This is one of the more serious problems I have seen on this site. I read your post a couple of times. There is no evidence of your age here or the country you are from. Three things jumped out at me as I read your post. You need validation and encouragement that you are doing the right thing by taking this through the channels you are....a hundred times yes. It will not be pleasant and it will take guts. Have you not been assigned a case worker or a social worker who will be with you for this. Your level of anxiety might prevent you from giving the full monty on this one...but you must hun and I think you know this.Ensure you have support with you on the court dates
You are concerned for your safety. This is a very real concern. One would hope that the jury will see the situation and get this guy where he belongs...behind bars. Again there should have been someone assigned to help you with this. You need to have a contingency plan in place in case this does not happen. In this country there would be many to whom you could turn who can assist you in doing what you need to do to ensure that this guy does not know your whereabouts and where to find you. He should not have contact info on you under any circumstances which is why it would be difficult to stay with relatives. There are shelters where you could stay. I believe the maximum time you can stay is three months...but it is an option,
The deeper issue you need to face is the frame of your life right now that made this situation possible. You do not give info in your post about the history of this relationship but without a doubt it is a painful and troubled one. You say your children are twelve and thirteen. Did they see what happened a couple of weeks ago? Have they seen this violence on past occasions. Post traumatic stress is a fact of life for kids who witness this and you must make a proactive and determined effort to get counselling immediately so that you do not get entangled in a situation like this again. I hope things go ok for you hun...please keep us posted on how things progress here. xxx
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female
reader, Agony-Hannah +, writes (6 October 2007):
OMG!
Hunny, you are brave.
Just hang in there. Ok ?
Promise me. Promise me that you will hang in there.
You NEED to.
Your children need you.
And your family and friends will forgive you hunny.
They know what you're going through at the mo.
Just Hang In There Babe.
It'll Work Out In The End.
Promise. x
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