A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I could do with some advice please. I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years but we recently broke up and got back together. The reason for this break was because he has 2 kids from a previous relationship who I love to bits, we moved in together, but I was saving all my money for a mortgage and he saved nothing. There were a lot of other things, but in his part, there was no lying or cheating. He really is a lovely man. Since we have got back together, he has done almost everything I asked to get our relationship back on track (ie, sort his ex out who was being awful to me, get a pension and not rely on me too much). I have always wanted my own home, and we decided that if he saved a little but of money along with me, we could get a mortgage. However, this has not happened. I have offered to him to come live with me in my rented house, but this hasn't happened because he is currently going through court with his ex on contact with the children. Anyway, my problem is is that I have been gifted a huge amount of money and my parents have advised that for the first few years, I get a mortgage on my own and if things are ok in a few years, then for me to add him. I would also like to add that he was made bankrupt a long time ago but has sorted himself since that. I am in favour of this due to the break up, but I feel bad because in essence I have changed my mind about putting him on the mortgage. He has been understanding, but I feel very guilty. He asked me last night what would happen to him if I got a house and we then broke up, he would not be protected. But, my way if thinking is that it shouldn't matter who owns the home, it will still be ours. I just feel very guilty, but due to past concerns, I feel this is the right thing to do. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Thanks x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2014): I can't believe that he asked you what will happen to him if you break up. What is he a little girl? He is a man for heavens sake. What will happen is that he will dissapear from your life not taking half of your house with him.
For me he is too much baggage. Crazy ex, fight over kids, no money. I think he needs to sort it out and then starts dating.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 January 2014):
 ...Just to reiterate what YOUWISH said...
Keep your bank accounts separate, especially if you have a mortgage because having a joint bank account will allow him to borrow money against the house without your permission and if he gets in 'schtuck' with money in the future, this will be an easy way to get a loan behind your back.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 January 2014):
Three things to comment on this:
Your money = Your house
If he wanted to be on the mortgage, he'd come up with the cash...he hasn't.
There is no 'common law partner' status in the UK and unless you leave him the house (that is in your name alone) in a will, he will never be able to claim anything from it.
The guy is a previous bankrupt, this will most likely affect who will lend you money, how much and at what rate.
If you do put him on the mortgage and he gets into trouble with money and cannot pay his half, you will be liable and he can still claim half the house, even if he doesn't make any payments.
Seeing as your relationship has been rocky, and he most likely won't have much spare cash as he will be paying child support, why don't you buy your own house, have him come live with you and if he proves he capable of meeting bills and budgetting, then perhaps buy a home together in the future...that way, you protect your money as well as the relationship. If he makes a fuss but still won't meet you halfway with the cash then that makes him an opportunist.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (15 January 2014):
 That guy's got more baggage than the cargo hold of a passenger jet!
But there's more than just baggage - there are habits I doubt you consider compatible with your life's direction.
Let's list such baggage:
1. An ex who causes trouble (she may not now, but...)
2. Two kids he's still in a protracted court battle for.
3. His credit history and CURRENT spending habits.
4. The fact that you're planning all of this without marriage.
The house should be a completely solo venture for you. If he lives with you in it, establish how much he pays to rent from you. Keep everything separate right down to the bank accounts. His credit is in the tank partially due to the divorce (is that even finalized??), and mostly due to his spending habits.
Let me tell you this straight - if he has a strong personality, then your credit good name and the state of your finances will drop to the lowest common denominator, meaning you will fail to have the options you do now in regard to buying a house, car, business, etc.
What, exactly, do you get out of this relationship? His money is hamstrung with child support and possibly alimony. His ex is a terror. He "relies on you" as you have said, making me wonder if he's using you to prop himself up. I say that because who the hell asks about self-protection without marriage? His thoughts were about his own protection which makes me wonder if that's his angle on your relationship.
Protect YOURSELF. Do not combine a penny. He's a grown man who should support himself. Unless you're married, there's nothing to stop him from getting all of these financial goodies from you, then breaking up with you, taking you to court, and grabbing that equity. I think you're wasting your time with him to be honest.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (15 January 2014):
 I know you care about him, but his finances are a wreck from the way you describe him. A total mess. Do not tangle yourself with that! You have only been dating two years and have broken up already. For now, getting involved financially with each seems like an absolute disaster for you.
There is nothing wrong with allowing him to live in your house while you are dating but there is NO reason whatsoever he should be on the mortgage. If you do that, you are essentially giving him half of a house as a present. If you add him to the mortgage and you two break up, he has legal claim over it.
Share the space with him if you like, but it's not a good idea to get him on the mortgage. Also since he has declared bankruptcy, he will make your mortgage payments skyrocket. You are doing the right thing, don't let him guilt trip you into giving him half your assets for no good reason.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 January 2014):
 if you buy your house with your money it's YOUR house.
he is NOT your spouse and you don't owe HIM protection as he's not putting anything in.
DO NOT put him on the mortgage and/or deed until you are married...
I have owned the house I live in now for 24 years... I have over the years had husbands live in this house with me. I never added them to the mortgage or the deed. (the mortgage being what you owe but the deed being who owns the house) and I am very glad of that since I have divorced those men.
My current husband EARNED the right to be on the deed when he put over 50k into the renovations of our home. We refied the house and i added him to the deed and the mortgage. I never wanted to add the other husbands to the deed or the mortgage..they didn't deserve it or earn it. THIS one has earned it... he deserves the rights and responsibilities of home ownership due to his emotional and fiscal investment in the building of our lives.
DO not be bullied into doing something you don't want to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2014): He asked what would happen to your house if you two broke up?
The house that you've paid for?
You break up he goes his own separate way. That's what happens.
You parents are right. Do not put him on the mortgage since you're paying for it. You are not married, your assets are yours and his are his. Especially after the recent breakup. You've only been together for two years and you've already broken up once. Nope, do not put his name on the title deed. He has not saved anything.
Why would he expect anything from a house you've paid for?
You can love him without acting irrationally. If and when he has saved up a little, he can contribute and get his name on it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 January 2014):
 Why should he be protected if you happen to break up ?
He is dating you because he likes you, I suppose, not to have a roof on his head.
Yes, if you break up he would have to pack his bags and leave. Same as YOU should do if you had gone to live with him in HIS house. That's a normal risk for unmarried people who choose cohabitation, and they accept to run it. Or, if they don't , they stay each one in their own home where nobody can kick them out from.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 January 2014):
 Never share finances with someone to whom you are not legally married. Period.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 January 2014):
 Don't add him unless you two marry. It's YOUR money that PAYS for the house.
WHY should he needs "protection" if you break up? If the roles were reversed you would have to move out and not get a penny.
YOUR parents are right. Don't feel bad or guilty. It's YOUR house and you SHARE it with him. If he doesn't LIKE that he can BUY his own.
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