A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My ex boyfriend and I, we were childhood friends. We grew up together, my ma used to babysit him and we went to church and school together. When we were kids we'd have movie nights and we would stay up watching until 4 am. We were really close. Let's call him Aaron. When he was 12, he lost his mom to cancer and that made my parents really think about adopting him but his dad took him in last minute and decided to bring him up. (He and his dad have never met before and there are language barriers as his dad don't speak much English - he's a new immigrant) anyway, he started getting depressed, falling behind in school, drinking, partying and even smoking weed. He even had his first girlfriend and they had sex at a very young age. He was 14 and I remember he came to me, freaking out about her being pregnant, but it ended up being a false alarm. They broke up, as it became a harmful relationship. When he turned 15, he turned to me and wanted to get into the right track. So we hung out a lot and I taught him how to do well in school and to cut down on all his bad habits. I was older than him by two years but I hadn't done any of the drinking and partying and all that. I was a straight A student who got all the achievement awards in high school. But it didn't mean I was perfect. I had body image issues and blamed myself every time I failed. I used to weigh 90lbs and would throw up my food and skip meals and cut my skin to distract myself from the hunger. He found this out and together we made each other better. We helped each other get through our challenges and eventually we fell in love. One day we decided to sneak out, and since his dad went back to his country for a month he was home alone. We spent the night at his house and we kissed and then the tension was too much and I lost my virginity.Long story short, we began a relationship but myParents didn't approve of it due to his history with drinking and drugs.So it was very secretive and my parents became strict and just generally refused to let me out at all.At this point I was 18, and he was 16. We continued a happy relationship until a few weeks ago he decided to call it off, telling our relationship was being too difficult to maintain. We both started to fall back in school, and we started fighting about the simplest thing - not calling each other or replying late or sometimes I'd get mad at him for staying out late without telling anyone because I care about him and I think it's dangerous out at night. Anyway, we both knew it was for the best but it really hurts and it's very confusing because yesterday we saw each other and couldn't contain ourselves and we ended up crying and making love but he says that it should really end and that were better off as friends. But then he also gave me his mom's ring and told me one day he's going to marry me. I'm 20 now and it's the most real thing I've ever felt. I've never love anyone like this before and it hurts a bunch. I feel like we are meant together but also not at the right time. My friend who I seeked counsel for told me that it's the right person, just the wrong time. However I'm still afraid that we'll end up moving on and having all of these precious memories forgotten. I learned a lotFrom this relationship and I'm not ready to let go. I don't want to lose him or any of the habits of being with him. Please tell me how I can make the pain go away but still be able to love him. I don't want to forget. I'm really really really depressed and I can't focus on school. Please help...
View related questions:
broke up, depressed, drugs, fell in love, lost my virginity Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys! Thank you for the advice. I have decided to let him go, and haven't talked to him for about a week now. We did talk before that and decided we still want to stay friends. Is that wise? I don't want to lose his friendship, but I think it will not help with moving on..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2014): Hi,
I've been in your position and I understand completely. This is not what i wanted to hear, and it's not what you want, but you have to let him go. I think the reason i didn't want to hear it was because i knew it was true.
You may be ready and love him, but he's still a child. He is not stable; he is not ready yet. They say boys mature slower than girls, and it seems to be true in this case.
You will find love, you will. Give back the ring, don't listen to pleas for one last kiss or anything. He is destructive, and his behaviour is of that of someone who is lost, who needs caring for: that is not your job.
Perhaps before you talk to him (which you must) talk to his dad, to his best friends so they can cushion him. You are not in the wrong.
You can't hold onto promises like him marrying you one day. That is emotional manipulation: he has got very used to you caring for him. If it happens, it happens, but you shouldn't wait around because you will never grow and become who you should have been - you will be in his shadow, even if he doesn't want you to be.
I care very much about your story and I want this to work out for you in the best way. Let him go. He isn't ready and this can only get worse from here if you stay having heard the confusing messages he's given. xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2014): This all is affecting school; and the memories don't seem to have any positive benefit. The only way to deal with you is by taking a tough and direct approach. You're in la-la land, and losing grip.
Oh, you do need to forget! You need to forget him big time!!!
You need to allow him to grow up, and you need to move on.
I'm with your parents; because you are regressing, and you've devoted yourself to being his care-giver. Letting everything else go in the process. I think he is a bad-habit you need to break; and your future is what you should be concentrating on. Not the past.
It's leading to nowhere. He is two years behind and falling farther. He's dragging you with him. Sorry about his sad life's story; but that isn't your problem.
Mothering him and protecting him from himself is not your purpose. You're too caught up in his tragic story, and now your life is becoming a tragedy as well. You're becoming a handful for your parents, and that's not fair. They gave you both the best they could. You resist their advice to listen to an inexperienced friend, who hasn't a clue what she's talking about.
Now you're failing in school and centering your universe around a boy who's outlook isn't good. Your influence hasn't made that much of an impact. I don't like your friend's advice at all. It's childish and meaningless.
He's the wrong person, and the time will never be right.
Grow-up and comeback to reality. The tragic love-story is
touching; but it's detrimental to your progress. Give it up and move on. He's a wayward boy, and you'll spend the rest of your life trying to be his mother. He tells you what you want to hear, and you mindlessly lap it up. The ring was a sweet sentiment; but you are taking it far too seriously.
Love out of pity grows in distorted ways. He'll become stunted in his maturity, continue to spiral downward, and you'll let life pass you by trying to take care of him. I see the same thing as your parents see in your future.
You're too dramatic and putting him before everything you deserve for yourself. He'll end up using you up, and moving on anyway.
Enough is enough.
...............................
|
