A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey Dearcupid's :)Over the past 3 years, I've been through a lot of pain and heartache. I just consider myself unlucky when it comes to men lol. I've experienced it all - having feelings for someone who I could never have, infatuated with a man who didn't feel the same way, an unsatisfying and controlling relationship (which I escaped from), being broken up with by the man I was really falling for, a one-date wonder which never turned into anything, falling in love with someone who emotionally used me (for almost a year) and then being charmed by a very sweet man... who ended up using me for sex! Right now, I feel as though I need to concentrate on myself for a while rather than investing precious time into people who are not worthy and end up hurting me anyway. But I know the moment someone new pops into my life, I'll be tempted yet again. The issue with me, is that I've always been somewhat reliant on a guy to make me happy, I've never felt as though I can be truly happy being on my own. Ridiculous maybe? but it's the truth. How can I get out of this frame of thinking?Thanks in advance for any responses :) Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (19 October 2011):
 Learning how to make yourself happy is a very tough thing to do so dont be so hard on yourself, it is a learning curve and you will get there, but you just have to give yourself time. And I must say, well done for realising you need some time alone and wanting to work on yourself, this is a major achievement! So many girls bounce from man to man never really spending any time alone, and the reality is that if you cant make yourself happy how can you expect a man to make you happy? So what you are doing is very important on the road to a successful relationship (one day!).
You cant force yourself out of this thinking, it will gradually fade in time. What you need to do is figure out what makes YOU happy. What puts a smile on your face? These have to be things that dont involve men mind you! It can be little things or big things, all are important.
I'll give you some of mine for example:
- Singing along at the top of my voice in the car to a song I really like and not caring who is watching
- Getting into bed with freshly washed bedding
- A night in on my own on a Friday after a long week at work with a glass of wine and trash tv
- Waking up on a Saturday and realising you dont have to get out of bed
- Horse riding
- Having a long bath with Vogue magazine to read
- Having a night in with my mum and sharing a bottle of wine
- Shopping!
- A new mascara
There are loads more things that make me happy, a lot of them are just little things but even with the little things you can fill your life with them and then you will find happiness on your own comes quite easily.
Generally as long as you surround yourself with friends and family, see them often, and spend the occasional night alone (try not to text guys either on these nights) then you will learn to enjoy your own company and not 'need' a man. Have lots of hobbies too, if you dont really have any at the moment then try new ones. Try and learn new things too - maybe learn a new language, study something you have always wanted to....broaden your mind and improve yourself.
And if someone new does pop into your life - turn them down and dont think 'oh it will be ok if we start texting, we can just be friends' etc as this is just another distraction away from working on your own happiness. Often if you rely on a man for happiness it means you need the validation that you are attractive/loveable, so as soon as a man shows an interest it is incredibly hard to turn them down. I know that feeling well, that used to be me! But now I am single and have been since the beginning of July, I am enjoying the time to myself and I dont need a man at all. Even if a guy shows an interest I can turn it down because I know now is not the right time.
Timing is everything in a relationship - yes it is tough to say no to a guy because if he is nice and cute then you think 'will I meet another one like him, should I give it a try in case he is the one etc..' but the reality is there are plenty of great guys out there, you just have to be emotionally ready to meet them. If you are not ready then the relationship will never work, simple as that. So to save yourself the heartache turn them all down, no matter how nice they may seem at first.
Try and remain single for at least 3 months, ideally 6 months. I would say the first 3 you shouldnt be dating or texting at all, and then after that if you meet someone really great (note great - not average!) then maybe ease yourself slowly back into dating. But if you can be strong and wait 6 months before you date again that will do you the world of good, after those 6 months I am certain you will be happy being on your own and you will have learnt so much about yourself as a person.
It is a very tough task and a lot of the time you will be lonely and bored, and the temptation to meet new guys will be very strong, but those are the moments where you are testing yourself the most - and if you can succeed you will be a much stronger person. If you ever have a moment where you are really tempted, stop and ask yourself why you are tempted and what you are feeling at that moment. Often if you stop and ask 'why' you will learn some valuable insight, and it is a good idea to write things down that you feel are particularly useful or revelationary. When you have figured out why you feel that way then you can work out a way to stop feeling like that and resolve that emotion. Often just by figuring out why you feel that way is enough to solve it anyway. You will have used men in the past to mask any negative feelings and distract you from your emotions, so now is the time to allow yourself to really 'feel' and understand your feelings without distracting yourself with men.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, Doe Eyed Beauty  +, writes (19 October 2011):
Dear 'I've always been somewhat reliant on a guy to make me happy': THis statement is your problem all in itself. No one can make you happy but you! Most happy women exercise, are involved in their life, Have spirituality and have good friends as a support system. Okay, also it would do well for you to read up on boundaries and self-esteem . DO some self work on things that you need to change. Then as you engage in new relationships(Platonic first) you can see how you are using you new found boundaries.Also, The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date, and Mate--and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top by Steve Santagati. This book is excellent and will help you recognize and move into relationships that have the best outcome. Please post and let us know how things are turning out for you. D.E.B.
...............................
|
